Being Yourself On Purpose! "MY making" of "I AM Sam Kinison!"
(Stand-up Tips for Newbies & reminders For Newbies at heart!)
I know of nothing in the entire world (vocation-wise) that is any more difficult than being a nuclear physicist, or a stand-up comic. If you are compelled to take on either, you are out of your freaking mind. Welcome to the club!
For every 2000 hopeful... continue reading
(One comic's use of 5 min of his fame!)
A much anticipated, but hardly heralded stand-up biography has finally arrived! Vancouver's Network Entertainment biggie Derik Murray and writer/producer/director Adrian Buitenhuis have patiently and meticulously midwifed their latest arrival, and then finally birthed it at th... continue reading
How to GET Happy!!
In the front grocery store aisle, looking for Glad bags with an empty 12 gauge shotgun crooked casually over my elbow, I noticed something felt very different. A policeman was staring at me!
Since Dad left home about a year ago, I achingly missed him. I had been recreating some of the fun times we had together until... continue reading
The Biggest star that never was!
HI, I'm Endorphin Man! (tant-da-tadaa) I've invited you here to make you happy! Thanks for coming. Today's lesson is: " How to make yourself happy, in four easy Steps ." If you buy the premise, you buy the bit. Don't you want to be happy?
You remember what happy is, don'tcha? Happy is that feeling you get when you f... continue reading
Wanna' Trade Your Citizenship For Mine?
(Ollie Joe Prater, a saga with No Regrets)
There never was a stand up that didn't fail. There never was a comic with such ardent and loyal fans. Never, there was a comedy act that ransacked his audiences with such laughs, woops, snorts, and guffaws like him. And, if there had been, no one would believe it. But, ... continue reading
Take my president…Please!
Editor's note: This article has been brought back through the time machine, but due to certain events it might be more timely than ever.
Wanna' Trade Your Citizenship For Mine?
(Walk A Mile in My Red Shoes!)
If you are a citizen of a country that's not America, I wish you well! I really do! It's too bad that I... continue reading
(Perhaps, it should be: Madame President!)
If legendary one-liner comic Henny Youngman were alive, he’d have a lot of jokes about this landmark election! It’s a unique point in social evolution. Can some jokes change the world? No! But, certain jokes can help some people find our world more palatable.
For ... continue reading
Suicide by Laughter?
A deep bell rang in my heart. Then, taps, played on a solo bugle in my mind. I started to cry…and fell quickly to my knees. I found him!
In 10 seconds, I went from being a stand-up comic, on a Department of Defense overseas tour, (kinda Bob Hope-ish doing military shows) to a throbbing, sobbing grandson at his gra... continue reading
The Queen of Comedy!
(Making folks laugh is habit-forming!)
For three years, I’ve been trying to die as quietly as possible, and trying to not bother anyone or anybody. Now, for some unimaginable reason, I haven’t died and I can’t be quiet and I seem to be bothering almost everybody! Those damn doctors lied to me. This is all very... continue reading
Women Are BIGGER than Politics!
(Inventor of the Funniest Place on Earth!)
When any of three, four, or five generations of stand-up comics sit on the ground telling tall tales of the sad death of comedy clubs, Mitzi Shore’s name inevitably comes up. How could it not?
[pic1]The David Lettermans, Robin Williamses, the Richard Pryors, the Gary Sh... continue reading
A Star for Mitzi!
(Remember: America traditionally likes Bigger!)
This will be a hard sell, but believe it or not, there are a few things that are actually bigger than politics. And specifically in America. Particularly now! The biggest circus freak show in our whole government, indeed, our entire culture, is happe... continue reading
Stealing Jokes is not a crime!
(And she’ll never know!)
"To dream the impossible dream…" That’s the lyric from "Man of La Mancha". Well, this is my impossible dream, my final quest. Someone tell that Don Quixote dude to stand aside! …Me, I’ve got some tall tilling at windmills to do. Hey Pauly! Come Sancho …Onward Rocinante!
I hereby nominate M... continue reading
"Lynch Party" led by GOP Wannabes!
(But, it ought to be!)
If you're an amateur clown, then you're allowed to say anything that comes into your mind. But, if you have a microphone in front of you, and think you want to go pro; proper form dictates that in stand-up, use your original thoughts only. But, like a rock and roll garage band, practice and re... continue reading
I Love The Marines!
(Who will be the first to yell: “I’ve got a rope!)
As Potomac fever turns pandemic, one should calmly assess the Republican Party and its social implications, vis a vis certain policies proposed by posing, rich, white sociopaths. Take a closer look at these alpha males rutting…uh …running for president. Honestly, th... continue reading
Obama blockers look like Racists!
Since I was in the Navy, I heard the taunts directed at our Marine Corps. I’ve always thought our leathernecks were tough enough to take these minor insults, but recently I had to make a point of taking their side. Not because Marines don’t handle abuse well, but because so much of what they do every day is never seen ... continue reading
Politicians GONE WILD!
(These guys would've spit on Jackie Robinson!)
At what point does a foregone conclusion become obvious to all? Whenever that is, I think The U.S has already gotten there. The mob in America who are doing their best to prevent, stall, and block our President from achieving anything are branding themselves as short-si... continue reading
Rent My Body?
(Whatsup wid dat?)
Politicians are not committing more crimes right now than ever in history, it just seems that way! It seems that way, mostly because the ever-devouring 24/7 TV news monster always needs more salacious coal to stoke its hungry fires.
As we peruse the list of government officials who were caught w... continue reading
I Told Me Not to do It!
(Shut up, Monkey Brain!)
As he put his red van in park and turned off the engine, Willy realized that someone had just rented his body...again! Damn, he always felt so cheap afterwards. He had accepted all the loony baggage that came with it when he finally signed the trust papers, but even after dozens of rentals, ... continue reading
Uncle Sam IS His Brother's Keeper!
(Would you change you?)
Old Lue sat by the desk, pondering the note. What should he say to himself? The last note didn't work as well as he'd hoped. He put his time travel gadget down on the bed for the umpteenth time and stared at it. He could only use it twice more to go back in time to help his younger self. An... continue reading
Drone Golf Ball
(And maybe your brother, too!)
Only an "R" makes the difference between a brother and a bother. Being your brother's keeper can be a real bother. Sometimes, in fact, most of the time, being your brother's keeper is lots, lots more than a bother. But, most of mankind has finally learned. One really should do the rig... continue reading
Bud's Last Mission
(A grudge match!)
To say a stand up comic's world is competitive is like saying a Lady Gaga concert is kinda noisy! On tour across our USA, a good stand up act is either the funniest guy in town this week, or the second funniest. Nobody cares who's third. Got it? Nobody cares! To exist and thrive on comedy tour,... continue reading
It was Bud's last mission. And even though he had passed away some time ago, this was one World War Two operation that would be completed, come Hell or high water. Because that's what Bud faced. Hell and high water! Bud had one task left to complete, and it was as if his old ship was waiting patiently for him to come ... continue reading
Theres NO business, like dough business!
In the course of human events, it has become necessary for one people to dissolve the bonds that restrain each from saying, "Stop that!" I may have a lot of gall, but I hereby do accuse those addressed within this list and declare, "STOP THAT!"
All pecker-picker-upper ads on TV (yeah we know)…STOP THAT!
Any and a... continue reading
Star signs (Astrology for unbelievers)
OK, we've all heard it before: Capitalism begets freedom, freedom brings choices, choices help make happiness. Following that logic, business is the engine of that warm, happy feeling you get when you finally buy that thing that you don't really need. Some people need to buy stuff. Some people need to sell stuff. Could... continue reading
How to Stay Hip! (Age 35 and over)
Who could possibly believe in astrology? Lue is my name and SATIRE is my game!
Aries: Fire Child, prepare to be FIRED!
Ever since you modulated your emphatic manner, it's working against you. When Mercury comes into play, your breath will improve! Mars is not happy with you; stop it with those Rovers already! A Leo... continue reading
Glen Beck Is NOT the Anti-Christ!
Hip is like being tall. You either are, or aren't! You don't have to take counter measures to stay tall, but staying hip, well, hey, that's another story. Here are ten tried and true tips that everybody over 35 can use to always stay hip.
If you know about Woodstock, then you've already become your parents. Learn to... continue reading
Recipe for A REVOLUTION! (10 easy steps - try not to get burned!)
(But, he might be the Anti-Christ’s annoying little brother!)
Hurtful and fiery rhetoric is now media’s default setting! This slippery and malicious fad came to the forefront with Bill Clinton and Monica. After the Gore Vs Bush Supreme Court ruling, it grew white hot during W’s eight years as our most criticized he... continue reading
I’m STILL Standing! (Standup comedy is a harsh mistress)
“ Ya say ya want a revolution…”
John Lennon felt the pulse of the common folks when he penned the opening line to one of my favorite songs. He felt that throbbing pulse in England, Europe, America, and probably globally! It may have been John’s keen sensitivity, or just a clue to the unrest rampant among the world... continue reading
SEARCHING FOR SOME LAUGHS!
When last I left my intrepid readers, I was holding a handful of miracles. In the ensuing week, I realized it just couldn’t last. I was right. To quickly review, here are some of the crazy miracles to give you some perspective:
I was hurt real bad, but now, I’m getting better and stronger!
My job was traveling ... continue reading
Dear Santa (Redoux)
(A biased book review)
Title: “ I’m Dying Up Here! ”
Author: William Knodelseder
Published by: Pereus Book Group
Public Affairs Books.com
Jacket Design by Pete Garceau
Available online, and as an E-book.
In 1979, a handful of L.A. standup comics, who I still refer to as the Fabulous Fourteen, tried to blac... continue reading
Lue's Little Joke Store!
(I've been good this year.....I promise!)
Hi Saint Nick!
Please give my best to the Mrs. and all your cool elvy guys and gals! I hope the past year has left you well and happy. May you be blessed! I send this note in hopes of convincing you that it wasn't I that hacked into your "Naughty or Nice" fi... continue reading
You Might be a Yankee If...
( The only choice that made any sense to me.)
Life for me before 1968 was anything but a lot of laughs. It was Georgia, what can I say? That's why since then, I've bypassed realities and dedicated my existence to funny! The retail outlet mentioned here is wholly illusionary, and an overdue answer to my e... continue reading
26 Ways To Repair America's Image!
(Separating Yankees from their cash is all we need 'em for.)
There've been hard feelings between Northerners and Southerners since 1861. Much of these sentiments have faded, but let's get real, not all of them. I know the other side of this issue has been covered by Master Foxworthy, but there's a lot more to ... continue reading
Why Jimmie Johnson Is My Hero!
(Hey, The USA used to excel at this kinda stuff!)
Let's face it, as far as America's popularity around the globe goes, we're not doing so well right now. We should be brainstorming to come up with some jazzy ideas to get us back to being everyone's best bud! Here's a starter list that might possibly imbu... continue reading
An Open Letter To The Dalai Lama
(And it has very little to do with NASCAR)
NASCAR’s famed Nextel Cup Championship goes to Jimmie Johnson of El Cajon, California! Homestead Raceway hosted the last contest of the year. It was a season that seemed charmed by an unearthly power! Tens of thousands of loyal fans were joined by &n... continue reading
The BRA-SNAP Heard 'Round the World!
(Congratulations to Tibet's Pope!)
(Born Lhamo Dhondup, July 6,1935 in the Taskar region of Northeast Tibet. At the age of two, was recognized as the re-incarnated 14th Dalai Lama, now Tenzin Ygatzo. Fled Communist China imprisonment in 1959. Awarded Nobel Peace Prize in 1989. Received USA's Congressional Gold... continue reading
Republicans DROPPING Like FLYS!
(Women have waited long enough!)
I don't want your vote. I don't want your money. I want your attention for about four minutes. Four minutes of your time, and then you can change the world. How about it? Is it a deal? Only brave souls should read on from here. If this ... continue reading
Should The US Evict The UN?
(More than twenty now sitting in Congress have had enough!)
With all its gadflies (and their cash) The Grand Old Party must feel like they've flown into a colossal "Time for a Change!" bug-zapper!
After painful losses in 2007, a veritable tentload of incumbent Representatives and Senators will ... continue reading
I SHOULDA SHOT PAULY SHORE!
(“Whadda we need these mooks in New York for, anyway?”)
This parenthetical attributed to an NYC cabbie…and possibly many others.
Every so often our Turtle Bay quadrant of the Big Apple is flooded with foreigners looking to achieve God-knows-what. Friggin’ tourists! Last week, one hundred ninety ... continue reading
Moody Mahmoud Vacations in NYC!
(It might have saved The Comedy Store! Normally, I do not advocate any kind of violence...but this little Weasel is a special case.)
It all started when Elvis Presley's opening act, Sammy Shore, and his bride Mitzi opened our planet's first ALL comedy nightclub in Los Angeles, California! The Comedy Stor... continue reading
5TH BEST THING EVER! (AFTER SEX!)
(Dialogue is important now.....but with this schmuck??)
The scruffy President of Iran arrived Sunday to visit The Big Apple and speak at Columbia University Monday and The United Nations on Tuesday. Then he better get out of town fast.
There will be no visit to Ground Zero! Repeat NO visit!
&nb... continue reading
Ding Dong...The ROVE Is GONE!
(A spectacular time to watch sports!)
I love riveting books, windy days, kitties, and Peace on Earth! But these pleasures can’t compare to the ecstasy a true sports nut feels at this particular time of the year. TV finally fulfills it’s huge potential with incredible choices. Wow, it’s kinda like how a B... continue reading
THE TENUOUS TAR BABY IN IRAQ!
(And Take Your Little Dog, Alberto...With You!)
How far up the bush do you have to prune to find the rotten parts?
President Bush's listing ship of state is losing supposedly loyal staff faster than the UN's Food for Oil program. With Alberto Gonzales resigning as America's highest ranked lawyer, and ... continue reading
‘ I AM WHO I AM BECAUSE OF MY DAD! ’
A fictional political fable.
( I had a dream in which Uncle Remus told me…and Joel Chandler Harris, this wild story about the terrorists and Uncle Sam. My acknowledgements, as well as my compliments to Georgia's esteemed Mr. Harris.)
"Didn't Uncle Sam ever get the terrorists, Mistah Remus... continue reading
The Last Funny guy!
(In the hoisted-on his-own-petard Dept:)
Is there better way to expose the truth about our leader than to use his own words to reveal what’s behind the curtain at Boobs R Us? It’s not The Wizard of Oz; it’s George Bush, Jr. Here are some of our President’s actual remarks: “ There’s a lot of noise, ... continue reading
The Last Funny guy!
Sure, we had lots of 'em back in '07, but not so much now!
The Day The Funny Died!
Remember when it was OK to laugh?
Maybe George Orwell Was Right!
He missed by 38 years!
(Set in 2022)
It all started when they let lesser skilled comi... continue reading
(As far as launching laugh-seeking missles go, I've probably had my share. Most were calculated and precisely aimed, but I'm not always that lucky. Sometimes these nutty concepts just bang right into my poor punkin' haid! It's my own fault that I end up writing them down! Using my favorite baseball metaphor.....I not o... continue reading
Time To Haunt Bush Junior!
(Just tell our politicians to shut up!)
This commentary is dedicated to Mr. Brian Lamb, U.S. Navy (Ret) and his esteemed colleagues at CSPAN for posing an outstanding question (How has war fatigue affected you?) to begin their signature show, Washington Journal, last week.
Never before in America’s hi... continue reading
' People Voting With their Feet! '
(Maybe, it’s past time)
I hate war! There I said it. And there’s nothing anyone can say that will change how I feel! Now, with thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of deaths during President Bush’s questionable decision to invade and occupy Iraq, I wonder if he feels enough, or... continue reading
From First to Worst!
(Resistance is Futile!)
DNA scientists have pretty much proven humans first migrated out of Africa, and split in two basic groups. The first slowly "lumbarred" to Euro-Asia, the second ambitious bunch headed for what would turn out to be the southern tip of India. This well documented population sh... continue reading
The Ten Most Irritating Things Men Do During Sex!
(A critique on The USA’s slide in worldwide popularity!)
Gosh, it seems like just a few years ago Uncle Sam, America, and most of its people were hot! Damned hot! We all felt lots better about ourselves when we were, didn’t we? Now, we’re not hot! Definitely not! Say, ... continue reading
Huddled Around Some Laughs!
(Or trying to get it!)
In the interest of fair play, let’s all concede that men have tormented women since time began! Why should half of our world’s population continue to be annoyed with no payback? Let’s shine a light on all men’s faults…(here my lady says, “There’s no light big enough to shine ... continue reading
Ten ways to WOW Your Lady in Bed!
(How we got to where we are)
This article is dedicated to much beloved bald guy: Tom Sobel! Get well soon buddy!
Actually we, the modern day equivalent of caveman, cavewomen, and cave kiddies, are all just looking to lean towards a friendly fire. Except that my peeps...my kinda folks...the peopl... continue reading
A Drink with the Candidates!
(Hey numbskull, if the first one doesn't make you believe in this list, then don't read another word, you chauvinist pig!)
One:Promise your lover, 24 hours in advance, she will enjoy seven-to-one ratio in orgasms in your next encounter!
(Now, fellas, if you deliver, this alone has the ability to make you a hero... continue reading
How to change the world, one person at a time!
So...an icy blonde, a Hispanic, an elf from Cleveland, and some guy named Barak walk into a bar...
Standing at the bar watching them are a balding New Yorker, a Mormon, some Huckabuck, and one angry Vietnam vet. All are quite wary, as this is the first time they've been in the same room. Slowly, all notice: ha... continue reading
Ephemera From Poor Lue!
(Or: Why should I say thanks?)
(Or: Just sit your xenophobic butt down, and listen to reason!)
Why would anyone want to change the world? Why would they want to do it one person at a time? Hey, whose world? By the way, what kind of change? Lastly, by what do you mean: how to change the worl... continue reading
Get off My President’s Back!
Atheism is on a definite decline worldwide . . . thank God!
In this month in 1902, the vacuum cleaner was invented! Some pessimists say: "Ever since then . . . Life sucks!"
(Seeing the massive religious celebration Holy-Palooza is quite reassuring . . . until the secular world raises its ugly head.&n... continue reading
Save Earth and Laugh Now!
(An open appeal to America’s critics!)
Oh sure, like your country’s never been run by some idiot before!
Hey world, calm down some! Gosh, golly, gee, if we're all so terrible just put America on “hold” for awhile until we get a new leader. Dubya’s warranty runs out next year, and we’re replacin... continue reading
The Legendary Feel-Good Machine
(The galaxy needs comics!)
Turns out, The Confederation of Planets won't admit Earth until we've attained certain levels of science, sensitivity, and nonviolence! Informed of this data, a select group of future thinkers have been planning, funding, and constructing to gain admittance! This exposé is mean... continue reading
When what was right, was wrong!
Here's my challenge: If you're not happy and want to be so, or if you're happy and want to take steps to remain so, or if you're not sure if you are as happy as you want to be . . . read on. If you're not happy and don't care, stop reading this! These ideas may threaten that miserable attitude you're posses... continue reading
'Declare a REAL War...Or Get OFF the Pot!'
(It happens more often than you think.)
I've made some mistakes in my life. Some real doozies! And you, kind reader, unless your name is Jesus, you have too.
Acknowledging this, have the mistakes you made in the past helped you to avoid repeating them again? We've all had some experiences where ... continue reading
‘…and Uncle Sam cried!’ (A parade of heroes)
(Inside Nancy Pelosi's head!)
Most of us have dreams. Some of us even remember those dreams. Do you remember your dreams? I do. I dreamed I was inside Nancy Pelosi’s head. Is that weird, or what? Maybe I was getting in touch with my more sensitive side.
(Note for Nancy to remember: H... continue reading
Iraqis should vote U.S. Military In or Out!
(A parade of heroes)
There's a local legend in Washington, D.C. It's rumored that some nights there are strange goings on at the National Mall. For those who are there to behold (and believe), ghosts still stroll that hallowed ground.
One windy and clear night, I beheld (and believed) ... continue reading
Poor Lue's Almanack Feb. 2007
(Is this too simple . . . or what?)
OK, so America did well at nation building with South Korea, Japan, and Germany. Nobody can take that away from us. America also did pretty well with Israel, Thailand and The Philippines. But, as far as Iraq goes . . . not so good!
Some, including the boobs ru... continue reading
What I know that you don’t!
The first part's true, The last part's Lue!
Everybody say: "Hi Lue! "
The Universe is 14 billion years old! And you think your waistline is expanding!
Public Notice: To all citizens of Iraq: Uncle Sam has lost his wallet with about twelve trillion dollars inside. Sam's wallet was l... continue reading
The Lie That Broke The Camel's Back!
(This will be short!)
Scolding amateur comedians is a gas! As I traveled in my own standup career, often I've been asked to help and coach some inexperienced comedy performers. If these wayward souls could be helped, mostly I tried to help. If I couldn’t help, then I gave encouragement. A lot of other comics ... continue reading
To Tickle...Or NOT To Tickle!
(Our 43rd president proves himself to be The Fibber-in-Chief!)
Fool us once, shame on you! Fool us twice, shame on us! Fool us five times, shame on all of us for still believing we can trust you. Oh, my President: Where forth art thou? A lie is a lie is a lie by any other name and you, sir, you daddy's ... continue reading
The Comics NO ONE Remembers
That’s my question! Do you hate to be tickled? Some people do. I am not one of those people. Do you like to tickle your lover? I do. It’s scientific name is : gargalesis!
My online dictionary lists the following definitions for tickle: “...touch lightly...be affected with a tingling sensatio... continue reading
Cheer Up America!
(Author’s note: insert tongue in cheek, brave reader) After a good night at a comedy show, isn’t it amazing how hard you laughed then, but the next day, you can’t recall the name, or place the face? (Geez, that babe with the tight skirt? Or that guy with those red shoes? Or the guy in the robe that did that silly rap p... continue reading
Laughin' with The Troops!
(A quick look on the bright side)
Gosh, with all the holiday blues going around, and with all of Uncle Sam's woes these days, it's become real easy to get down on ourselves lately. But don't. It's really not that bad for us. Cheer up everybody!
OK, so we have an idiot son of a form... continue reading
The Last HONEST Booking Agent (They're disappearing at an alarming rate!)
(A lesson in personal humility)
From Subic Bay in the Philippines, to a 2,000 seat arena on the Island of Diego Garcia in the Pacific Ocean, when I have been onstage doing comedy shows for our Armed Forces, I’ve known I had two things in common with them: the first was we were all proud Americans, the second w... continue reading
AMNESTY For Junior Bush!
When one prostitutes oneself for laughs, i.e. taking money to perform in a plethora of cities and states and countries, face it, most stand-up comics need a pimp they can trust!
I’ve been dispatched to hundreds and hundreds of locations to do shows: nightclubs, colleges, military bases, riverboats, prisons, cruise sh... continue reading
HELL'S CRUISE SHIP!
Here’s an idea whose time may have come: Like the Christmas commercials running already, it could be too early to propose this, but…won’t you all consider some of that amnesty stuff for our disillusioned leader: Junior Bush?
Hey, Georgie…you’re doin’ a great job!
So, here’s my gut reaction: America is... continue reading
My 100 Best Jokes from 2006!
If you can force your Freud, Jung, and Dr. Phil back in their closets for a moment, I’ve got a story to tell you. If you can’t, just ignore me, and go invade another country!
Mythologies supporting after-death events have peppered mankind’s recorded history. My contention here is that certain lost souls,... continue reading
Democrat's Pre-Nuptial Contract!
With three hundred and sixty one days gone from 2006, it may be a good idea to retrace our steps to see how we've come to where we are. At least that's what I've been telling my goverment. Here are my 100 best jokes, chosen from the past ten months:
Our immigration problem in California is so bad; we had... continue reading
Jokes or Attitude?
Democrats need the strongest
effort in history to regain control of Congress. I believe their leaders need a framework to
attract the huge number of voters needed.
Something with a real catchy name. So, watch out America, here
comes the Democratic Party's
Pre-Nuptial Contract with America:
They ... continue reading
We Shoulda Known About Ex-Congressman Foley!
When you are laughing with a stand-up comedian, it
may not make much difference to you whether the comic is a joke guy or an
attitude guy. But for those on the way up the showbiz staircase, it could be
the deciding factor between a three year career, or a great gig that may last
At this point, it’s... continue reading
Gov. Beefcake Rides Again!
Our American politics do make for strange bedfellows.
And then, they feel the need to cover it all up! It's time for a change! Here's
my Top Ten list of reasons WHY we all shoulda known about Mark Foley:
disclosure form shows he owns 10,000 shares of Pottery Barn!
public Foley... continue reading
Lunatics at The UN
The immigration problem in California is so bad, we've had to hire a temporary guest worker from Austria to govern our state! Is our star's brilliance dimming, or increasing?
California, the land of fruits and nuts, is far fruittier and nuttier than anyone realizes. Seriously, most people not living here have no conc... continue reading
Poor Lue’s Almanack 09/06
When England’s Prime Minister
returned from his meeting with Hitler, Chamberlain waved a signed truce paper
and declared to all: He had achieved “Peace in our times!…” Poor Neville had not. And, since The League of
Nations died its hapless death, World War Two started forthwith!
Recognizing that failure
m... continue reading
The Evolution of a NEO-CON! ......or Please Come Back William F. Buckley, You Weren't THAT Bad!
As 2006 ebbs into it's fourth quarter, its time for a
Or maybe a Bloody Mary. Hang on tightly, 2007 is coming
Here's some of my recent thoughts about this crazy world:
President Bush reveals his new slogan: E Pluribus Me! Roughly translated as" Out of many, ME! "
... continue reading
Why America laughs (so much!)
(An ongoing metamorphosis from homo sapiens to insecure warmonger)
It's time to realize wackos escaped from the booby hatch are advising the C student that runs America
and the free world. Where did they come from? Were they nurtured or
nourished? Are they hard-wired? What are the forces that warped their
abilities... continue reading
Attack and Jail ALL Ventriloquists!
(From A to Z)
pursues the art and act of laughing, sometimes relentlessly. The
motivations that make one laugh are numerous and varied. Have you ever
wondered why some laugh at one thing, and others do not? (As a topical
columnist, I worry about this a lot, most comics do) My thesis
postulates: "The spar... continue reading
The Sounds of Freedom
(A recently de-classified document)
An unseen hand, with insidious intent, is invading us!
You may not feel threatened now, but numerous two-headed monsters are currently
undermining our way of life.
To help identify and target this deluded enemy, we will investigate
methods of operation, and roaming... continue reading
An Abel and Cain Re-Run.
smells can evoke one's memories (popcorn makes me think about sex…it's
from my teen years) certain sounds may provoke reactions from one's
quiver of emotions.
The sounds of multiple gunshots could evoke fear in some. The sound of a cell phone going off in a movie theater could provoke irritation in others. A... continue reading
An Open Letter to North Korea
Stand With Israel!
(although, I'm sure they won't even notice.)
suppose the rest of the world may think I'm just one stupid American, but I'd
like to take the chance to make my case for all to see and hear.
I stand with Israel! But, I also stood
with the hippies, The ERA, and The Chic... continue reading
Apotheosis of George Bush Jr. (Karl Rove's doing what?)
peace loving American, I want to warn all the North Koreans: Hey, our nutty
leader is even more Froggy than your nutty leader! So, everybody over
there, watch out! (Froggy is U.S.
slang for unpredictable, as in: one doesn’t know which way Froggy will jump.)
In America, we’re
just hunkering down. Pardon ... continue reading
Why SO FEW Americans Vote!
The Grand Old Party and rabid Rush Limbaugh fans
still have a surprise up their sleeves. Unlike their ill-fated attempts to get
Ronnie Reagan on Mount Rushmore, this secret
mission amounts to an unexpected foray into a previously unexplored area: ART!
Intended to burnish his legacy into The United States
i... continue reading
Circus L.A. (Hey, you think your town is strange?)
Every day, somebody, somewhere starts bitching about the reasons so many Americans, possibly the most privileged citizens in this world, don't vote! Herein lies one red-shoed explanation.
To get a grasp on America's problem, it's useful to start with our big number: 312 million souls populate from sea to shining sea... continue reading
My Daddy's rose garden
Welcome to Los
Angeles, the weirdest show on Earth! Step right up...L.A.'s got what your
looking for! We've got it all! Step
right up, don't be shy! The big show's just about to begin! Step right up!
The city of Los
Angeles has a population of over 1.7 million. Los Angeles County adds to that total, a... continue reading
How To Stop The War in 5 Hard Steps (A Preemptive Peace Attack!)
has become a poignant time for me.
recall the Easters from my childhood.
The always-scratchy dress, white patent leather shoes, the hat that
would not stay on my head no matter how many bobby pins my Mother dug into my
scalp. She drew blood with those suckers
many times but it really didn’t ... continue reading
The Cop and The Comic! (I married a cop...what was I thinking??)
(If you want peace, read on. If you don’t want peace, then go away…Or go invade something…or go bomb somebody…just don’t read this.)If the doctrine of preemptive attack works in war, then maybe that same doctrine will work for peace! All those in favor of peace… ATTACK!As kindling for this thesis, right up front, I do ... continue reading
Ephemera from Poor Lue…June '06
met on a cruise ship. No names please,
but the ship was with a cruise line that rhymes with " Parnival! "
all heard that old saw: "Love is like a bird in the hand, if you hold
it too tight, you'll crush it! If you hold too loosely, it will fly away! And if it does fly away, then that
love was n... continue reading
10 Most Irritating Things Women Do During Sex
John Donne said: “No man is an island, entire of
itself…any man’s death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind…”
I'm against the Death Penalty! So I propose each week, one
of us gets to go visit Zacaria's jell cell, and fling pork rinds on him!
I think we should call it: TUESDAYS with MOUSSAOUI!&n... continue reading
Poor Lue's Almanack April '06 (The first part's true, the last part's Lue)
I tried to ramp up for this list. Sadly, it wasn't too much of a stretch. Most men might agree with me, but not out loud.
Women, God love ‘em, are the operative factor in continuing our species' dominance of the planet. So we can't get rid of them.
But the females in our lives manage to throw monkey wrenches in t... continue reading
10 Reasons NOT to Trust Dubya!
(Take time to smell the flowers, before we're
drenched by May showers. Here's some ephemera from the stream of
conciousness that will always represent our America. Keep your ears loose...Lue)
Ah, it's the first days of spring, that's when a
young immigrant's thoughts often turn to finding a JOB, or RIOTI... continue reading
CHILLIN' WITH THE VETS!
Hey, President 'U'ber liar! Hey 43! Hey Dubya!Even most tele-marketers are more believeable than you!
You've squandered the confidence and faith many may have had in you! What happened? Could you be possessed by the ghost of tricky Dick Nixon? Your actions prove I just can't trust you and yours! Here's ten reasons wh... continue reading
He MADE Me Do It!
I know a place that has more heroes per
square inch than all the major league sports combined. I visit a West
Coast Veterans Hospital. (Why I visit is none of your damn beeswax.)
Emblazoned over the door is their motto: "SEE the cost of freedom HERE!"
Visitors will notice right away how many "sons of ... continue reading
Poor Lue’s Almanack January ‘06 (The first part is TRUE…the last part is LUE!)
Since I’m not a surgeon with a scalpel, or a airline mechanic with a hangover, I think it’ll be OK if I share my little secret with you: I hear these tiny voices inside my head, and they tell me what to do!
It goes back to when I was a small child. My older siblings wouldn’t play with me…th... continue reading
The Three Little Liberals - a cautionary fable about political views
“…He shall, from
time to time, give to Our Nation information on the state of Funny and
Laughter, and he shall recommend to their consideration such measures as he
shall judge necessary and expedient…”
of the Penguins, begat the copycat: March of the Politicians, wherein they
have to waddle 70... continue reading
Herk and Jerk, The Saga of
Once upon a time, there were
three little liberals. The time came for them to leave home, and go out and
experience the world of politics. Before they left, they went to visit the
oldest and wisest of all the liberals to seek his blessings. This oldest and
wisest of all the liberals was named Joe Lieberman. He ... continue reading
CSPAN Called ME!
(A story of a young, ill-fated comedy team. The names of these stand up comics involved here have been dramatically altered to protect those who were innocent…but in truth, I’m Jerk!)
Once upon a time, in a land far away called Texas, there began a comedy team named Herk and Jerk. One was small and angry, with lots ... continue reading
GOD is FUNNY!
venerable watch keepers of America’s Congress, is celebrating the 25th
anniversary of its flagship cable TV show: Washington Journal, on Friday, Oct.
7th with a 25-hour marathon extravaganza! Since its inception in 1980, over a half million callers have
participated, and last week,... continue reading
I Was a Teenage Ticket Scalper!
When you’re talking about God, it can be a difficult concept to grasp.Think
about it. Whether it’s my God…or your God…or someone else’s God,
whichever you want to picture, it’s gotta be TOUGH TO BE GOD!
All right, for a moment, picture yourself as God! (For Martha
Stewart, Ryan Seacrest, and Donald Rumsfeld: this s... continue reading
EPHEMERA From POOR LUE August ‘05
Many years ago, whilst still in my teens, I won 4 Bruce Springsteen
tickets from the local FM radio station. I had a pal take me to the
station to pick up my prize. Since I was in a cast to my hip, and on
crutches, the trip to and from the parking lot was getting a bit much.
As I got to the car, the previous winner... continue reading
It’s said that chickens still come home to roost, well - a bunch of little birdies (NO, not the kind that Vijay & Tiger shoot) came to tell me the latest news, which I relate to you here: From The International Flyways:Now in West Africa, Al Queda is LAUNCHING Hurricanes at Florida and Texas! The United Nations re... continue reading
This is like a Dear Santa letter, except it’s addressed to Uncle Sam.
I’m almost grown up now, so I understand Santa and Uncle Sam are mythic
in nature, but I’m writing with a few questions, just in case.
Dear America: I know you’re really busy with your war and our economy,
and keeping that Paris Hilton out of jai... continue reading
My girlfriend is a ROBOT!
(Rudyard Kipling’s “ IF ” contemplates worldwide conflict) After your nation can keep its head, when most other countriesin our world are losing theirs, and blaming it on you, and yours,After your citizens get liberty, without taking anybody else’s;After your nation can be free, and not take freedom for granted,After y... continue reading
BEING DICK CHENEY
Yeah, you heard me, my girlfriend is a robot, and I’m a clone, so just
get over it, OK? The only reason I’m telling you this is because we
earthlings desperately need a whole lot more of her kind to help us to
heal our wounds! As I have mentioned in a previous article,
she’s a CCRC Model 5! (wink-wink, nudge-nudge... continue reading
Open Letter to The Iraqi People
I crawled through a panel I’d discovered in the old house. It slanted
to the right. I came upon a small room with a stool. For some reason,
when I sat on the stool, I was seeing out of Dick Cheney’s eyes and
hearing Dick Cheney’s thoughts. Oh horror of horrors for a liberal:
Suddenly I was being Dick Cheney! I’m gu... continue reading
America’s Dirty Little Secrets!
Hi everybody! I realize that I’m just one solitary American but, SORRY about the whole invasion slash occupation thing. Our bad! While some in position decided war-wanted war,
many Americans did not. Some of us wanted other solutions, like our
Ruthless Dictator Relocation Program, or a one-way rocket trip to Mars... continue reading
The Little President that Cried WOLF!
We hear all the time about how great America is. That may be true, but let’s all admit America has made some mistakes too. Greatness is reached by acknowledging the path we’ve traveled to get there. As far as the countries that have dirty little secrets go… America is Number One! …We’re #1! …We’re #1! …We’re #1!Because... continue reading
The Little Donkey that COULD!
Once upon a time, in a place not very far from here, there was a flock
of sheep tended by a little president. His father had tended the flock
some time before. His father told him the flock, if properly herded,
would go exactly where it was instructed to go. The little president
was warned that sometimes, wolves ... continue reading
America LOVES Gridlock!
In a land, not much different than this one, lived a small donkey. This
little donkey wanted more than anything to climb up the big hill. She
had tried to climb the big hill many times, but for a whole list of
silly reasons, the little donkey had not been able to make it up that
darn hill…yet! Hillary, for that was... continue reading
Notes From POOR LUE: May 2005
Warren G. Harding originated the phrase: “ founding fathers” in the
1920’s. Maybe these revered fountains of wisdom, who molded our
country, wanted the wheels of our government to grind slowly, if only
to minimize knee-jerk mistakes! We, the middlin’ people, (as
Ben Franklin described our average citizens) have a s... continue reading
Heaven’s Comedy Club
(Hunter S. Thompson ended gonzo journalism and his life recently. In
tribute, I flew to Vegas on a friend’s credit card, checked into
Caesar’s Palace, and then proceeded to gamble and drink and smoke as
much as I could before passing out. I’d like to think these notes from
Poor Lue would make him laugh one last tim... continue reading
Terri Schiavo dies after a decade of fights over her
I know there’s such a thing as Comedy Heaven. Some say there’s a
place between heaven and hell. In my own quirky way, I believe that
this very place will turn out to be St Peter’s Comedy Club at the Pearly Gates.
I envision a spot for all the people who were very sad in their mortal
lives, too busy, or just overw... continue reading
Newsday.com has just reported that Terri Schiavo has died. There has been a decade of dissagreements over the question - does she have the right to die or not? Her parents wanted her to live. Her husband wanted to let her die as there wasn't really a chance for her to wake up from a coma. And they fought over it for a... continue reading
The Night Nothing was Funny!
Today, and maybe again next week, I am committing treason! I will, and I do encourage you also to: Violate the Constitution by PRAYING for our U.S. SUPREME COURT!
Someone must challenge the legal sufficiency of evidence to ban prayer!
Many religious practices and symbols have recently been taken from most
public p... continue reading
Hate CAN’T CURE Hate!
The pieces came careening at me like a cosmic puzzle. I hadn’t
realized it yet, but I was walking into a stand-up comic’s nightmare!I
had just come from the finest comedy club in America, The Comedy
Caravan in Louisville, KY (Great money, six days work, nice stage,
decent housing, and friends). Happily, I began the... continue reading
Uncle Sam Meets Uncle Remus!
(The Comic in Red Shoes wrestles with mankind’s heavyweight dilemmas)
Resolved: It’s always been my judgment that others have a right to what
they believe. By recognizing everyone can, and will believe anything they choose to, I’ve QUID PRO QUO-ED myself. Thereby I, also, have a right to believe what I believe. Dawg... continue reading
A Tale of Two Tittys!
Oh gosh, all the rest of you countries, please don’t throw America in the briar patch, please!
“Well, we’ve got you now," the disapproving nations (DN) said when it
was able to catch its breath. “You dog-eared, bushy tailed bully! Guess
who’s eating crow for dinner tonight!” Uncle Sam would’ve
stared right at th... continue reading
Notes From Poor Lue, March, 2005
IT WAS the best of chests, it was the worst of chests, it was the
age of love, it was the age of foolishness, it was a time of hope, it
was the epoch of big cities, it was the epoch of Big Tittys, and now I
was totally enthralled in a most magnificent way.
Her chest wasn’t meant to call attention to itself, but... continue reading
I Am a NEO-Liberal!
Nationalism is the world’s flu! Did you get your shot? So many absentee ballots from America were cast in the Iraqi election; The new Mayor of Mosul is now JEB BUSH. Syria is an ancient Arabic word that means NEXT! You go to war with the LIES you have! Republicans want to have a big tent party, but if you’r... continue reading
An Open Letter to Gov. Beefcake
I could never be a Republican. I could never be a Democrat
either. I saw the horses butts who are Independents, and I realized
that I was fast becoming a NEO-LIBERAL! I’ve never
really cared about politics. Except, I hate Richard Nixon. I guess that
comes from the Watergate mess. Oh, and I think the world of Jimm... continue reading
Dear Herr Schwartzenegger: I know, as the new Burger-Miester of
Callyfornia, you must be busy. But, I have a few requests to make of
you. Our great state is referred to as The Land of Fruits and Nuts, and
since that silly Gray Davis got punted, you’ve had yourself crowned the
head nut. It seems you’ve fallen a few... continue reading
I know this comes as a surprise, but I’m running for dogcatcher!
The dogs I want to catch are not of the canine variety - the dogs I
want to catch are human. DNA science proves that humans
have 99.99% similar characteristics. Our differences are mostly
geographic, monetary, and cultural. Just because you live so... continue reading
Goodbye Mr. Carson!
I gots the brain damages. Since I was twenty-five, I’ve taken more than
thirty blows to the cranial area of my poor, punkin’ head. I gots the
brain damages! Remarkably though, I do get the strangest ideas. I
wonder if there’s a connection? It’s not that I’m all that
clumsy, but I’m six feet, four inches tall. OK, ... continue reading
IF I Were King...
In World War Two, a Dear John letter meant someone was getting kissed off. This is not that kind of letter, but it is a Dear John
letter, and someone is getting kissed off. Other than that, it’s not
that kind of letter. Today, when I woke up, I heard Johnny Carson had
died. The Golden Age of Comedy has definitely en... continue reading
Ode to Generation E
We’ve all thought it. Thinking about it doesn’t do any harm. I’m not
sure about you, but I’d make a whole lot of changes. Oh, the changes
you and I would make, if only, we were King of the World!
Now, don’t get hinky on me. I’ve thought it out. As King of the World,
when I’m done with these five obvious changes, I’... continue reading
WARTS AND ALL!
If you’re 18 to 35 years old, WORD UP! By your terms, I may be an old geezer now, but I’d like to show you five ways to beat 'The Man.' My only proviso: After you see this, wait 72 hours before you decide if this is a load of crap! Is it a deal, you arrogant little, snot-heads? Pursuant to the aforementioned contract... continue reading
I AM A CLONE!
Welcome to America, where the idiot son of a former owner, is now
running the place! Everyone in the world can’t live in America, but
America can live with everyone in the world. If you happen to live in a
country where you can’t criticize your president, you can accept my
offer to become an Honorary American and ... continue reading
LICENSE TO SMOKE!
OK, I admit it I’m a clone! And my girlfriend is a robot! Get over it!
I know there’s some silly Primordial Directive against me revealing
this, but again, get over it! I’m telling you now because mankind is at
a vital crossroads in it’s development, and Hey Earthlings: You’re blowing it!
Now is the time for all g... continue reading
It’s rumored (by me mostly) that pot prisoners are being detained with terrorists in Camp X-ray, Cuba! It’s also been said (again mostly by moi) many joint aficionados are being detained in Roswell, New Mexico without benefit of a lawyer. There, but for the grace of God, go I! Gosh, gee, please …LET MY PEOPLE GO! Thous... continue reading
IS Money GOD?
10,000 miles from his home, I wept and saluted his grave. Even though I never knew my Grandpa, I’ve always struggled with the hole he left in my mother’s life. Now, on this windy bluff, overlooking Manila Bay, I wanted some answers from Major Van Frederick Houston. So, I decided to ask him. On a whirlwind tour of 12 ... continue reading
New Sheriff in Town!
I knelt, then genuflected before the hallowed altar. I stood up,
smiled and inserted my ATM card! I confessed my PIN! It graced me with
several twenties! The Fount, from which blessings flow, had sent me on
my merry way with freedoms and liberties, metaphorically, bulging from
my Levis! O, happy day! Most people r... continue reading
Worlds policeman? Clump-ching, clump-ching, clump-ching,
clump-ching, ching-ching! (We hear the sounds of boots with both spurs
jangling coming right up to us) Evenin Mam, (tips cowboy hat) Evenin everybody! Its time you should realize, and all yall should spread the word, theres a new SHERIFF in town! (If I could ... continue reading
BEHIND YOUR LAUGH
Having spent time with elves and St. Patricks Day leprechauns, its not a humongous leap for me to believe in Santa Claus. In the interest of full disclosure, I freely admit that over the years, I have debated and entertained concepts like: the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the grassy knoll.
OK, I admit I've waite... continue reading
Its a sound that shows fun And a price that was paid For so many times That plans have been made! Your laugh is a string, Straight to your soul. To tell how you feel, If that's your goal! I know that laugh, It makes me smile It says what you've been through Trial after trial! But when you laugh I want to be ne... continue reading
AMERICA IS OK!
With the cornucopia of personal information available today, sex
matters! Sex matters because it touches every human life on earth. Some
people are touched by sex more than others. The lucky bastards! When
was the last time you had some sex? We all remember that last time.
Well, most of us do! Homo sapiens favorite... continue reading
WANNA VOTE FOR U.S. PRESIDENT?
Hi everybody! steady steady!! Relax. Please, I want to thank you for
taking a moment to listen to this new idea. I've looked around. I've
checked as many facts as I could verify. All the data, plus this
overriding feeling I sense in most of the people I see, leads me to
just one, very simple conclusion: AMERICA IS ... continue reading
I love the smell of freshly cut grass.
My American government doesnt want me to vote. My first votes were
for Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter, and Ive felt badly about it ever
since. These days, when I do vote, its usually just to spite them. Its
occurred to me that many others might feel the same way. Our
politicians quote our founding fathers often as... continue reading
Take your best shot!
I love the smell of freshly cut grass. It doesnt matter if its from a baseball diamond, football field, golf course, or Willie Nelsons hookah. If you love sports like I do, this is the best time of the year! Baseball playoffs and The World Series are just the start of it. The Cowboy Cheerleaders are in mid-season form,... continue reading
IT comes with the turf!
These are the times that fry mens souls. Political invective has reached Mount Saint Helens' proportions! We can expect a new type of Reality TV show featuring public relation reps doing the attack dog thing for each camp. As the candidates rehearse, so do their dastardly minions. Backstage at the big debate last week,... continue reading
Who do you trust?
I don't suffer whiners easily! There are certain
things that come with the turf you inhabit! I'm a comedian, and most
people won't take me seriously. Now, in the realm of laughs, This is NOT a bad thing, but
try the feeling on for size when youre asking about a bank loan, or
trying to register your car. Most o... continue reading
Four score and some days less, we Americans get to exercise our most cherished possession: The rights of self-determination: We get to vote! Forget those in this world that dont have this opportunity, or those that wont vote; they will both have to find another way to make themselves heard. Those who SHOW UP make the... continue reading