This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

Hi everybody! steady steady!! Relax. Please, I want to thank you for
taking a moment to listen to this new idea. I've looked around. I've
checked as many facts as I could verify. All the data, plus this
overriding feeling I sense in most of the people I see, leads me to
just one, very simple conclusion: AMERICA IS OK! Sure, Chinese
companies are making millions by selling all those American Flags back
to us. Thats the beauty of it! Americans claim to have the best of:
so many things, the rest of the world is getting an inferiority
complex, having to listen to us brag about it all the time! Bummer,
yall! This low esteem viewpoint worldwide leads to some predictable
behavior. Maybe our foreign policy would be more effective if, after we
invaded them, we could coerce these troubled nations into Anger management therapy!

(This is what should have happened on the day after victory on the ground was declared)

There, there Iraqi folks. I know youre angry! And I know why. Bad
Saddam is all gone. But, tricky democracy is here! And you're still
mad, because we didnt ask you first, huh? Whoops! Waddaya gonna do? By,
the way, were opening K-Marts in Basra, Tikrit, and Mosul! The Kurds
get two Wal-Marts, and Baghdad, all the 7/11s you could possibly want!
All the goods in each and every store will be free. Just turn in a gun
or a coupla WMDs! We are shipping every Yellow Cab in NYC here to
jump-start your new industry! Also, its carwashes for the whole country!
And just to convince you that America means business here: Everybody,
and I mean everybody in this whole hot damn country is gonna get a copy
of Hooked on Phonics and a two years' supply of Evian! And a Popeils
Pocket Fisherman! And Dr. Phils new book! And a Cat Stevens CD!
Tomorrow, on Baghdads new, national radio station: WE-1! A new morning
show will debut: Pulse of Persia! It'll have news, weather, and
talk about issues! Weve been told if viewer-ship is up, and gunfire is
down, Oprah will fly over to be on the show! Then, if
everybodys real nice, then, were gonna have elections! OK, nice Iraqi
folks, dontcha feel better? Youve let it out; ready to move on, arent
you? Sure you are!

And moving on, most of you Iraqis can see the truth of this now, America does have The best of:
some things. Tanks, planes, night vision goggles, aircraft carriers,
Social Security, advertising, and stuff like that. Oh, and other stuff
like musicals, Rock n Roll and porno industries. Dont worry; Well
explain it all to you. But, my major point here doesnt need to be
explained at all! Virtually everybody will agree: America has the best bulls**t in the whole world.
Dont deny the truth here! When it comes to malarkey, Were number one!
And we export it too! Thats because American bulls**t has accomplished
wonders mere mediocre bulls**t could only dream of. Look it Disneyland!
Believe me, boys, thats a load of BS! How about the re-building of
Europe after WW2? It took many truckloads of BS to get that funded.
But, theres the dark side of American BS too! Id like to take a moment
to apologize for that whole O.J. thingy! We kinda got out of hand on that one! (Our Bad!)

But, remember: American BS is like a force of nature, and cannot be
avoided! Wherever theres an injustice being done; American BS will be
there! Whenever theres a lurid rape case, our BS will be there! If ever
theres someones liberty being threatened somewhere (and we can make a
buck out of it), our American BS will be there!

Thats why some
people may throw rocks or roadside bombs at America. Its human nature
to fear what you dont understand. See, non-Americans dont understand
having the American dream. It offers a better life, if only in ones
dreams! I know that all people, everywhere, yearn for a better life!
Thats BS, too! So now, theyve joined the game! If you look close
enough, overstatement, hyperbole, and raised expectations are all BS!
But, these are really the building blocks of hope. And, boyo, does
America have hope! Look anywhere from sea to shining sea, you'll find
hope. Thats why America is OK!