This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

Dear Herr Schwartzenegger: I know, as the new Burger-Miester of
Callyfornia, you must be busy. But, I have a few requests to make of
you. Our great state is referred to as The Land of Fruits and Nuts, and
since that silly Gray Davis got punted, you've had yourself crowned the
head nut.

It seems you've fallen a few places back from being
Mr. Universe to being Mr. Shriver. I've heard you've told the movie
business people: " Hasta la vista, baby! " But, face it, when you're
finished pulling wool over everybody's eyes, you're expected to slink
back. After all, I'm sure you told your studio: " I'll be back! "
didn't you? Come on, admit it. But, before you return, there are some
matters that require your immediate attention.

First, We all saw, in Bush's Inauguration, that a float that looked like a CLOSED electrical generating plant represented Callyfornia. You know sir, and President Jr. knows, he's never going to get our electoral votes! Ever! Gee whiz, haven't you gotten enough hummers?

Second, the new smoking regulations have to go, and go now, like Gone
with the Wind! Even you yourself don't agree with them. Everybody has
seen you flaunted the law with that new Cigar Cabana you had set up,
just for you, mere footsteps from your office. Now, regular citizens
have been prohibited from enjoying a cigarette at the beaches, and in
public parks. Thanks, Governor Hypocrite. Enjoy those hand rolled
Cubans, while all the other lesser public servants have to congregate
outside the front doors. Give us a break. How about some little vestige
of equality for all the rest of us regular citizens, huh?

Third, haven't the Native Americans within our borders been persecuted enough? It looks like

You want a piece of their gambling action. Leave them alone. Don't you
understand by now that exclusive purview to harass them belongs to the
federal government? Back off, mister!

Fourth, since you've
admitted taking steroids as a body-builder, you got a lot of gall
danged gall to criticize Barry Bonds, of The San Fransissyco Giants,
for committing the same offence. That's like pot calling the kettle
Maui Wowie! Just contain your specious activities to matters that
pertain to government, not the important stuff like baseball. Get your
priorities straight!

Fifth, as much as you want to, choose not
to make any official statements about Michael Jackson's sexual
problems. Don't complain, because gropers can't be choosers. I'm really
not mad that all those women have accused you of groping them. I'm
upset because you are too cheap to pay them off by now. You got your
tax cut for the rich from your buddy George, so you can afford it. I
know you are in favor of Proposition 69, but please, let's not go

Sixth, you approved a law to make dairy farms cleaner, so you must be familiar with bulls**t.

You also vetoed the bill for car license plates that would feature our newest state motto:

" Don't Trash Callyfornia! " Not so hip, dude! Please consider some other truthful slogans like: " TAN, or Die! " Or: " Humpback THIS! " Or: " Our Governor is a KRAUT! "

Seventh, look at the person you have married. She's from the Kennedy
family. You've got no right to stop gay people from marriage. Everybody
is entitled to make his or her own mistakes.

At least their homes are much more nicely decorated than yours. Get a wine cooler and chill.

Eighth, how about some grammar and diction lessons? The folks in
Oakland have Ebonics, so there is a precedent for sounding
under-educated. But, kids in this state need a better example from our
highest hauncho executives. Even Vincente Fox speaks better English
than you do.

Lastly, Herr Terminator, if you want to be
re-upped when Callyfornia has a real election, you gotta be cool, much
cooler than you are now. Hire a consultant or two. Maybe a rap artist,
or Jessie Ventura, someone else that can explain it all to you. Gary
Coleman's not busy. But at some point, you're either with us, or
against us. It's your choice.