This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

(Hey, The USA used to excel at this kinda stuff!)


Let's face it, as far as America's popularity around the globe goes, we're not doing so well right now. We should be brainstorming to come up with some jazzy ideas to get us back to being everyone's best bud!  Here's a starter list that might possibly imbue some better vibes towards Uncle Sam's home folks:


The USA will pay for everyone on Earth to Google themselves!


Startup a new YouTube-like website called "Bitch About America!" to drain off some of the hostile feelings towards America and it's citizens..


Empower women worldwide by electing a woman as President!


Empower minorities worldwide by electing an African-American as President!


Stop the war in Iraq! (Once again, to use American slang: No Shit, Sherlock!)


Quit invading other countries!  (If we can't stop invading, maybe America can just start tapering off and quit occupying other countries.)


Make President Bush take a public speaking course AND an IQ test on pay-per-view cable TV, then use the profits to buy lots of AIDS medicine for Africa!


Put Vice President Dick Cheney's next heart operation on pay-per-view, then use the profits to eradicate malaria! (Dick might end up being good for something!)


Denote Halliburton and Blackwater as war profiteers, confiscate their profits for the last seven years, then fund and open free DeVry technical schools in 50 undeveloped countries!


Re-activate and mobilize The Peace Corps again! (This worked in the '60's.)


Tell the world who actually shot JFK!


From now on...free pantyhose for all voting citizens in any country Dubya invades!


Everyone in the world gets twelve Power-Ball lottery tickets!

(Except for China and that crazy Estonia!)


Invent and export millions of cheap one-family homes made out of Lincoln Logs! (Let the Tupperware people market and distribute the homes.)


Hire the Dutch to build electricity producing windmills for any country that sells Coca-Cola!


Harness Al Gore and his soaring popularity to a huge bycycle-drive powered air conditioner and start reversing global warming!


Capture and funnel all the hot air from talk-radio hosts to light up Cleveland for free! (Use both left and right wing blowhards!)


Buy every Chia-Pet on the damn planet, then use the greenery to feed the livestock in the most drought stricken countries!


Give everybody on the planet a Bob Marley CD!  Then force them to listen to it!


Startup a porno website staffed by Bee Aurther and her Golden Girls called: "77 Virgins.com!"


Use all of Britany Spears' unused panties as a filter for the world's largest de-salinization plant to provide free fresh water for Mexico and Latin America! (She's not using them!)


Go to Mars! (I mean it, everybody in America will pack up and move to friggin' Mars!)


Let Madonna and Angelina Jolie adopt all African orphans! (And I mean: ALL of them!)


Start gun buy-back programs in every country in the Middle East! 

(Turn in an AK-47, get a Buick! Turn in an IED, get a George Foreman grill!)


Declare a Surprise Amnesty day for illegal immigrants in America!

(If you can get here by Election Day 2008...YOU'RE IN!!)


Apologize to everyone because we Americans are so rich, arrogant, and snobby! (But, only if we really have to!)


Recognize the problem, design a solution...That's the American way! If none of these designs float your boat, then feel free to float your own!  I'm open to any suggestions from anyone. It's time to get ahead of the curve, don'tcha think?  What would you do...if you were king?