This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

(A critique on The USA's slide in worldwide popularity!)


Gosh, it seems like just a few years ago Uncle Sam, America, and  most of its people were hot!  Damned hot! We all felt lots better about  ourselves when we were, didn't we?  Now, we're not hot!  Definitely  not!  Say, just exactly what happened?  Americans seem to be the planet's sad  pariahs these days, and it's just not fair!  How did we, as a nation, and we, as a people, get to this awful predicament where we find ourselves now? And how can America, Uncle Sam, and all of us get back to being everybody's best buddy again? 


I don't know about you, but it's my observation that America's world really went to a load of crap…right after NBC cancelled Friends! Well, as they say back home: let's us (that's you and me) review some more pertinent data:


As the world's default policeman, America knows it will incur some ill will in doing what we see as the right thing to do. (I admit if America can make money doing it, we will respond much faster. And OK, I even admit what we see as the right thing to do, is not exactly what others might choose as the right thing to do.)


Now, add to that simmering brew, those two little ‘ol things called liberty and freedom that Americans seem to have so much of, (and are willing to export almost anywhere these days) and I think we've got us a volcano of resentment. A vicious volcano being re-hashed over and over by the voracious news cycle looking for it's next victim!


Next, with Afghanistan, Iraq, Turkmenistan, and Whozit-stan upping The USA's invasion count to four, (that's not counting Grenada and the Duke Lacrosse Team) there are even more people pissed, miffed, and peeved at us! 


As the actual richest nation, and third largest, America knows many other insecure countries that continually exhibit dollar and travel envy!  So, there's considerably more of that ill will stuff to add to Uncle Sam's shopping cart. What can we do?


Please understand: solutions to slides in popularity may have to be drastic.  Ask any right wing zealot or left wing nut doing talk radio. My answers to this complex problem of Gordian dimensions (Jeff Gordon, not the knot!) are blends of traditional and new age cash re-investments.  Comments will be as barbed and aimed as those at a debate between The Daughters of The American Revolution and the New York City lesbians (New York City?) I propose some new looks at the situation, from outside the box.


First, not counting some of the recent idiotic appointees at The State Department, nearly a third of the American public now hold passports for international travel. That's more than 80 million chances to show the world what kind of folks Americans are.  They have always been our best ambassadors. We should also realize that our actions could work for or against us, considering some of the folks here that have enough time and money to travel!


Second, we publicly execute the originator of the ad campaign for that new headache remedy: Head-On!  (Apply directly to the forehead!) (Please shoot this person…directly in the forehead!)


Third, we hire the ad agency that rescued Eddie Murphy's and Hugh Grant's image. America needs a makeover like that.  Make some of those commercials showing our servicemen building water filtration and medicine factories to help the poor.  In our own inimitable way, throw some real big money at things like that!


Fourth, The USA promises not to invade anywhere for 2 whole years! (Don't tell Condoleezza Rice about this!)


Fifth, We pray for our enemies! (The evangelists made us include that one!  Typically, We had no choice!)


Sixth, America promises to abandon all aid to Israel!  (NAHHH!! I'm just funning you!  We're not ever gonna do that!)


Seventh, The USA promises to jail Michael Jackson, if we still can't find Osama bin Laden!


Eighth, a giveaway scheme designed to create goodwill has to do the job needed, so it should be designed accordingly.  Immediately inform every person in the world that they COULD be a winner in The Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!  Then, in honor of the recent demise of the inventor of Cheese Whiz, everybody alive gets three cans of Cheese Whiz!  Next, everybody aboard this rock gets a copy of Roseanne Barr's faithful rendering of 13 different national anthems! (Ours twice!)  Also, we quadruple The Marshall Plan and see if we can buy The Mid-East and Europe again!


Ninth, America nationalizes the pharmaceutical industry, and distributes what's needed, pill-wise, wherever, worldwide! (This will piss off the entire Republican Party!)


Tenth, and most drastically, we tell the world that if they make us too, too mad, we'll elect Dick Cheney, and let him loose on everybody!

How about them apples?


I believe it will take show-biz trickery, combined with Madison Avenue style marketing to do this enormous task of reversing The USA's slide in popularity.  Only our past history of the same has convinced me we can do it again.  I wonder if Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks are busy? Hmm.


Well, look at the bright side.  We got here so fast; we could probably get back to where we were, can't we? Or, did somebody I know named Bush screw America forever?  Even Junior says only history can judge now.  I think he's lucky for that.  George Bush Jr. is the one individual who took America in popularity from first to worst!


Word up!

Peace out!