This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

HI, I'm Endorphin Man! (tant-da-tadaa) I've invited you here to make you happy! Thanks for coming. Today's lesson is: " How to make yourself happy, in four easy Steps ." If you buy the premise, you buy the bit. Don't you want to be happy?

You remember what happy is, don'tcha? Happy is that feeling you get when you finally find the TV remote or realize your phone bill's already paid. Happy is that fuzzy feeling inside, like when your cats purr, or your have a Saturday night date. Happy is when you realize the cops are pulling over the guy behind you. Now, you get it. Happy is when you realize that in the vast struggle between them and you...you won this one! Hooray! Happy is a game, and you're ahead: one to nothing.

The only preparation we need is some reasonable calm about you. This technique is called positive visualization. I'm going to ask you to remember certain times in your life, in a certain order. All those cool, natural endorphins, Sara tonnins, and Dopey-minis in your brain will start rushing around, cruising to get you in a better mood. They don't know you aren't happy. They live for this! Ready to be happy?

Make your face calm. Take a breath. Without moving your face, think of smiling. Take a breath. Without moving your face, smile a little. Take a breath. Now, smile using just the lower half of your face. Take a breath. Now, smile using all your face. If someone tells you this is meditation, they are confused. Ask them to check your taxes, go away, you're busy. Take a breath. Was that hard? I don't think so. But, it was step one. (Tant-da-tadaa) Remember step one: calm, take a breath, and smile.

Step two requires you to re-create how Disney kept Tinkerbell alive. Take a deep breath. Remember all the kids saying: " I believe! " Remember? And Tinkerbell's light got brighter and brighter. Smile. It's the same here. Do you believe you can make yourself happy? Smile. If you want to be happy, say: " I believe! " Don't forget step two: It's you, who must believe you can make yourself happy. Smile.

Step three requires you to remember the last time you had a pocket full of money. Take a breath. If you can't remember anything like this, pretend you're Oprah! Smile. You could buy anything you want. Remember. Take a breath. Smile. Remember step three: If you don't have money now, pretend you're Oprah. Smile.

Step four requires you to remember the last time you had great, ultra-fine sex. No, not that one. Nope, not that time, either. You had tights on! Yep! That one! Yep! That one. Or, that one: Flight 26 out of Denver. Yes. Pick one of those. Take a breath. Smile. Remember? That was kooky! Smile. Take a breath. Smile. At this very moment, your brain chemicals are swooshing to various receptor points, just begging to plug in. Take a breath. Smile. Remember. Relax, we're half way home.

It's called sense memory. If someone says this is auto-erotica, tell them to stop spying on you. Ask them to do your laundry, go away, you're busy. Remember step four: Remember fondly, one event. Remember. Take a breath. Smile. If you've had some good times, you can always program yourself for more.

Summarizing: when you want to get happy, do these things, deliberately. Smile. Take a breath. Say: " I believe! " Smile. Take a breath. Pretend that you are Oprah! Smile. Take a breath. Remember when you had your legs way up there? Smile. Take a breath. Don't you feel happier now? I sure do. Dial that depression back a bit! It's really up to you. You've got a happy factory in your head. Use it.

This has been your pal, Endorphin Man! (Tant-da-tadaa) Now you know the secret. If someone tells you this is yoga, hypnosis, or voodoo, I admit they're partially right. But, they're just jealous! They can't possibly be as happy as us. So, teach them our trick. Understand, you can choose! Happiness exists only in that weird eight inches of real estate that you call your head. It's your head. Keep it clean and keep it happy. I'll see you next time, same neural channel. (Tant-da-tadaa) Get Happy!