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Poor Lue’s Almanack January ‘06 (The first part is TRUE…the last part is LUE!)

 article about Poor Lue’s Almanack January ‘06 (The first part is TRUE…the last part is LUE!)

This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.



"…He shall, from
time to time, give to Our Nation information on the state of Funny and
Laughter, and he shall recommend to their consideration such measures as he
shall judge necessary and expedient…"








March
of the Penguins
, begat the copycat: March of the Politicians, wherein they
have to waddle 70 miles to Congress to propagate their lies!









When politicos start speechify-ing, it's
the American equivalent of "The running of the bullsh**t!"
…It's the Credibility, Stupid!









Iraq builds its first theme park named: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Keeping with tradition, all the rides will
finish facing East!







What the Iraqi's don't understand is that
one of the usual side effects of Democracy is…people like George W. Bush Jr!









Not only does President Bush have physical
health issues, some would say Junior also has mental health issues. It's
a sad note, but it looks like even Danny Quayle appears smarter
than George Bush Jr!






Bush is like a mixture of the Grim
Reaper
and Pinocchio.

Every time he lies about the war,
the casualty list grows longer!








I know that George Bush Jr. is not Richard
Nixon! But you gotta admit,

Dubya's starting to smell like him!







The bravest thing our Bush Jr. has done
lately was, while in LA, he had all the freeway traffic stopped for more than
two hours! Hey, doesn't he understand
that our drivers HAVE GUNS out here?







Researchers finally found one statistic in
which Bush Jr. has exceeded Bush Sr. It seems lots more people really hate
Dubya!







Democracy does have side effects. But, just
swallow a Florida election before bedtime, and call the Supreme Court in
the morning!







(Hey: you NSA surveillance guys: I hope
you know…these are just jokes!)







Oh, and I suppose that John Kerry would
have jumped in his Swift Boat, picked up Al Gore, and then, that day, raced
down to New Orleans?







Bush names former FEMA head, Mikie Brown
to run AMTRAK
!






NASA says a new trip to the moon will cost
more than 110 billion dollars! Who decides whether we go back to the Moon, or fix
New Orleans
?






The quicker a Katrina Commission is
appointed and convenes, the quicker the current administration hopes we'll
all forget
The 911 Commission!






Dick Cheney goes on secluded hunting
trip. He's trying to bag a new alibi!








Our erstwhile Vice
President Cheney seems to be cleverly alternating his outrageously incorrect public statements
with well timed fake heart attacks!













Next month, from a
remote, undisclosed, secure location, The Pat Robertson Sniper School will
graduate its first class!

The planned field trip to Tel Aviv has been
cancelled.









Oil Co's CEO's testify to Congress. There
were more lies told there, than when the baseball players testified
about steroids!











Allen Greenspan attended a Halloween party
disguised as the budget deficit!

For Halloween that Scooter Libby dressed up
as an indicted Nixon aide!









Jailbird NY Times writer Judith Miller
apparently spent the early, desperate years of her career bikini
waxing Eric Estrada!







Princess Charles and Seabiscuit went home.
Hey, when these two royal pains in the butt visit, it actually is a royal
pain in the butt!







Terror group Hamas is starting it's own TV
station. New schedule really has a BANG! The AM Show: Good Morning Palestine! Sponsored by The




Electrically AB Belt, which can double for
suicide bombings!









Miss America Pageant saved this year by new
sponsors:


Planned Parenthood, and SILICON Valley!







California prepares to execute a
76-year-old man. He had the choice of
the execution, or being locked up in a 5 foot by 9-foot jail cell for ten
years with Bea Arthur!
He wanted
the execution!









Bizarre trivia: What's Bea Arthur's favorite song??

" Momma sang BASS!"









Fifty four percent of lawyers say they
would not represent a terrorist.

The other forty six percent are
terrorists!









It is the year 5766, using the Jewish
calendar, but it's been marked down

to 4766.
Really, 5766, that's 2005 in Barbra Streisand years!







In my heart, I was born Jewish. I, too stand for Israel! In the name of Milton Berle, Henny Youngman,
and Phil Silverstein…um, Phil Silvers!







Scientists officially extend the length of
our day by adding one leap second to The Greenwich Mean Time Atomic clock! Star Jones & Kirtstie Alley have lost so
much weight; Earth's planetary orbit has developed a wobble!







M&M's new Amish CD, as
predicted, has failed miserably!









Courtney Love's third rule of pharmacology
is:

" Never, ever, ever try to mix your
antidepressants!"







If you think that "sex is power",
then I suggest that you're absolutely plugging into the WRONG outlet!







Just out now: New extreme ultra King bed is
68 inches wide! Just in case you
ever wanted to sleep with Shaquille O'Neil, and or Roseanne Barr!









Obese people, after getting thin, will find
a change in their sex life.

Yeah, THEY'LL GET ONE!









Neophyte celebrity Paris Hilton is involved
in a minor fender bender.

Actually, Paris says she likes it
when you bender!







Seventy five hundred dollars worth of bull
semen stolen from Maryland farm. Has anybody checked Monica Lewinky's
whereabouts?







Porn King Larry Flynt is still optimistic
after all these years. Now, he's
organizing nationwide for his Million-Slut March!









New study says the average American has 16
hours of sex during their lifetime. I don't know about you, but I think I'm
out of minutes.


Can you feel me now?







This Week in Gay History: 1973, three of Ellen's
writers
were born!







Tip for next year's holidays: Fruitcakes DON'T GIVE Fruitcakes!















Next year there will be four new gay cable
TV channels:

LOGO, Q, HERE, and
WILL AND GRACE 24/7/365!



Remember: Poor Lue says:


" LIFE
is just a metaphor for what's happening to you!"







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