This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

If you're 18 to 35 years old, WORD UP! By your terms, I may be an old geezer now, but I'd like to show you five ways to beat 'The Man.' My only proviso: After you see this, wait 72 hours before you decide if this is a load of crap! Is it a deal, you arrogant little, snot-heads?

Pursuant to the aforementioned contract between us, I willingly disclose the following: Digest this 411, the same way you want others to relate to you. Roosters still come home to roost! And lastly, if 'The Man' gets on me for telling you this, I'm gonna deny it all. Hey, I don't even know you!

OK, catch a breath, here we go: Like the printing press, the assembly line, and making love in a car prove, history shows us great ideas will still work today. That's because some ideas are, were, and will always be great. If you can keep yo' attitude in trim, there are some classic, surefire behavior modes that will help you to blast some air over society's walls. Hey, feces foot! I'm talking about better pay, better sex, and better karma. Listen up!

First, learn and re-learn these phrases, and when to use them: May I help you? Pardon me. Please. Thank you. Excuse me. You're welcome. You go first...

I've watched business and social settings evolve and de-evolve on moments that pivoted in favor of those that used these phrases. Practice with them until you're as smooth as a wireless mouse, then sit in the bushes, wait patiently to ambush the idiots that will not, or cannot, be as adept and graceful as you. Stick it like a pin. Manners. Nail it. Like, get dialed in, dude. Manners.

Second, if you dress like a pig, you'll get a job only a pig wants to do. I am no example - just keep it nice and clean. See Elvis Costello, James Bond, or Chris Rock. If you want to make more money than your garbage man, keep your damn tattoos and piercings under your shirts. These are not negotiable, dawg. Dress WELL.

Third, pick a faith, any faith will do. You could pick Moses, Jesus, Mohamed, Buddha, Vishnu, or even the guy with the rainbow colored hair. Pick a faith and learn it until you find comfort. Faith is like a muscle - use it or lose it! You need faith in yourself to get past the barf that life will pile on you. Faith in a higher source helps you to build faith in the nutty things you believe. Until you believe in you, have faith in something.

Fourth, Read a book or two, you numb-nut. Try How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Art of War, or The One-Minute Manager. Have you ever felt alienated from society? Read Stranger in a Strange Land. There's more out there than you've ever dreamed of, Horatio. Get smart! Fertile minds do copulate. READ.

Fifth, The American colonial who laid his cape over a puddle for a woman not only made a great impression, he probably got some. Chivalry isn't dead; Chauvinism just had it locked in the cellar. Never send a boy to do a man's job. If you are lucky enough to land a babe, give her an orgasm ratio with you - of seven to one. Now, that's a force multiplier. Give better than you get. Do you wanna be a sexual hero? Well, do ya, punk? If she really wants to make love to you, this should close the deal. What goes around comes around! Respect! Young, old, and especially the eldest: Be NICE to the ladies.

Buddha said: " WHEN a student is ready, a teacher will appear!" Now, who the heck am I to tell you this? Well, I've circumnavigated the planet three times and performed in 39 countries. In conclusion, I remind you that these behavior modes bring you uncanny results, right away. It works! Manners, Dress Nice, Have faith in Something, Read, and Respect women. Don't freak out, dude. Think of them as a help file. Do good to get good! Maybe, someday, when you go by me with that music blaring, you will have learned and might say: " Pardon me, please, you go first. You're welcome. Thank you! "

Remember: Friends don't let friends go Goth! Not that it will help.

Now, go skateboard or hacky-sack something…you're bothering me.