This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

Every day, somebody, somewhere starts bitching about the reasons so many Americans, possibly the most privileged citizens in this world, don't vote! Herein lies one red-shoed explanation.

To get a grasp on America's problem, it's useful to start with our big number: 312 million souls populate from sea to shining sea here! Counting the underage, convicts, illegal immigrants, and all the insensible, I think about 102 million of them are not eligible to vote. Almost 105 million voted in 2004. That leaves 105 million non-voters who don't want to play in our election game at all!

Unlike Walden Pond's Henry David Thoreau, the majority of these mighty 105 million don't have a well understood reason to refrain from what some other citizens think is a primary civic duty. Their reasons for non-participation, although not in the mainstream, do fall into a few predictable categories:

Picking good leaders from so many masquerading candidates leads some to disillusionment with the process: "I'm so tired of choosing between the lesser of these two evils!

Our land of ever expanding and shrinking freedoms is chock full of incredibly diverse excuses not to vote: I have to work on Tuesdays. No habla englais. Not enough parking spaces at the polls. They said I wasn't registered. Commies run my state. I couldn't work the machine. I still hate Nixon. Aliens stopped me from voting. My ex-wife is a poll worker. The ballot was so confusing, …and many other such things! Basically, their whole complaint is: "Voting is too hard!"

Distrust of the machine that is politics, a plethora of our non-voters very simply believe the mechanism of one person, one vote, is not working in The United States anymore. From the evil Boss Tweed in New York history, to the shady Huey Long in Louisiana's past, to the suspect Katherine Harris's constituents in Florida, to lastly the unbelievable Blackwell in Ohio, a hugely disappointed number of sideline sitters still think: "I don't make any difference!"

Apathy reigns supreme in a self-centered capitalist society like America! Obviously, many are overwhelmed by daily duties and Life's never ceasing, mind shredding rut. Given only a sentence to describe this group's key motivation, it ultimately would have to be expressed as: " I just don't care!"

I propose new, innovative voter incentives, tailored to reach each targeted group, one by one!

For the "lesser of two evils"…we get them better choices. Maybe: Make all City Ordinances and state laws understandable to high schoolers. Also, in every election, one of the candidates has to be a cop, a cowboy, a stripper, an ironworker, or an Indian chief! Does this sound familiar?

For the "I don't make a difference"…we show them that they really do. Count these votes last in each race, and then have these voters declare the winner during election night coverage. Then, we tell them to get a hold of themselves, and quit whining!

For the "it's too hard"…we make it easier. We get these folks an ATM on which to vote within one mile of their home, or on The Internet through Google, E-Bay and Home Shopping Network! Then we get them all some help and some therapy!

For the "don't care"…we induce what few of them we can to care, and then write the rest of them off, and leave them alone! Some such inducements that produce likely positive results might be: Offer free candy! Declare imminent domain on their bathrooms. Use new video replay for the vote counting. Get Slot machines for the polls…one vote, one pull! Withhold March Madness until participation reaches 88%. Make some porno stars work at the polls! Exclude voters from jury duty. Make a reality TV show of the process. Get Cher to testify to Congress, (damn, they already did that!). Make voting a requirement for American Idol. Offer free tax advice. Add a lottery for non-winning voters. Use subliminal advertising techniques on all Wrestling shows! Get Library dues amnesty. Give consolation prizes like: "You lost, but now you're the new Ambassador to Guam!"

If any new ideas even come close to working, it could bring 60 million new voters into the fray! I tell every man jack of you that read this postulate, including all the lesbians, this persuaded…this lured electorate would dwarf the now voting public with their exotic choices. Won't you join us in re-making the face of our great nation? Why not progress to the next level of involvement?

I believe if there was a good method to unite most of these groups, America might to move to a less partisan, less argumentative era. An era in which we would reason things out in a civilized way and then react as the greatest nation in the world should. Instead of out-shooting our enemies, why doesn't America try to out-think them?

It's the next level of play!