HELL'S CRUISE SHIP!
This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
If you can force your Freud, Jung, and Dr. Phil back in their closets for a moment, I've got a story to tell you. If you can't, just ignore me, and go invade another country!
Mythologies supporting after-death events have peppered mankind's recorded history. My contention here is that certain lost souls, after departing their personal judgment, exit quickly, straight downward, on The Hades Express! (Perhaps you've heard the phrase: Go straight to Hell.)
After all disembark from The Express, funny enough, there's NO Smoking!
Then a sorting process begins. This process was adopted from
Murderers, pedophiles, dictators and the like belong in certain groups with the appropriate punishments. Tax accountants, lawyers, and baseball umpires will
merit special treatment.
War profiteers, embezzlers, and Don King all belong in the correct, painful places. But one special place in Hell that you may not have heard of is Hell's Cruise Ship!
I foresee that it's kinda like Carnival Cruises on a really, really bad week.
The parameters that mandate an individual's selection to sail on this wicked boat are limited, while at the same time, quite broad. Only a few are listed here, so watch your sorry ass!
Have you ever fixed, or help fix an election?
Have you ever kicked a kitty or puppy?
Ever yell at a busboy or waitress?
Ever use the " N"-word?
Howabout grease-painting your body to attend a sports event?
Ever buy a rap CD and hit someone with it?
Ever driven 2mph under the posted speed limit...in the fast lane?
Have you ever wasted a busy doctor's time?
Have you ever denied a veteran due medical coverage?
Have you ever needlessly been unkind to your fellow man?
If you have, The Prince of Darkness has a cabin, reserved for you!
The Devil's Ship is The Bismarck Redoux. The
The second type of voyage usually includes all manner of glorious destinations, like
To prove that fact, Mephistopheles has arranged for all voyages to be upside down, for maximum discomfort. The higher up your cabin is, the further underwater you will be. Bottoms Up!
As far as activities on board, the bars are open, and the shops are open, and the casinos are open, but, whoops, none of the doomed has any money. It's just not fair! The one and only diversion is mandatory attendance at the dinner shows in the main theater, nightly. Better be there…Lucifer's not joking!
There is a quintuplet of really bad ventriloquists hosting the dinner show. These psychobabble rejects seem to think their role is to totally alienate all of the audience, much like in real life. The River Styx Orchestra is actually radio DJs faking hokey movement to music playback. Stars of the show are comics, who don't know that if anyone laughs even once, that laughee will immediately be ejected from the ship to share the Nazis' sector. (And you know how much they hate that.) Now you can truly see:
A good time cannot be had by all, or anyone here!
Such is the heart and mind of the Supreme Spirit of Evil.
Oh, El Diablo's tortured show has seen a lot of familiar names. Many comics are scheduled here for various comeuppances. Fatty Arbuckle, that goofball, was the headliner here, seems like an eternity. Cutup Lenny Bruce just owned the place until recently. Sam Kinison toiled here for weeks, until he just kept infuriating our all-seeing owner with Jesus gags, over and over. Sam works in the engine room now. There are no women there.
There's a place saved next to him for Dice Clay. Same sins!
But, you really should watch the second act! No matter what they look like…I'll tell you the secret: The second act is always GOD! Yeah, it's God!
You didn't know He does standup?
And God is good! Really, really good! You wouldn't think that someone that high up the ladder could be so funny. It's hard not to laugh. Very hard…not to laugh! But, You know whom, is always watching. The truth is, when the boss is away doing his "steal your soul" bit, some of us actually do laugh at God's newest jokes. That God is "fall down" funny! If anyone in the crowd laughs, they're zapped away to the nasty Hitler zone. But, unknown to the Archfiend, moments later, those who laughed, got immediate clemency in the form of redemption!
The most doomed of all the doomed present are the comics who go onstage next! Remember, these who have to follow God's act, don't know the crowd's deal with the Dark Angel!
Now, that's the constant insidiousness of Comedy Hell!
Those standup comics appearing next have obviously sinned against their peers during their wretched careers. Sinned by continuing various amateur and hack behaviors, and littering stages across their performing lives. Now, on this, their final home stage, those boorish comics reap what they have sown, for all time. It's all courtesy of the Lord of the Underworld, the shadowy one who wears the Black Jersey numbered: 666!
A warning to those who still walk the Earth: Beware of unkindness, Love one another, and do good and be just, or you, too may sail for the REST OF TIME..................on Hell's Cruise Ship!