This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

(Hey numbskull, if the first one doesn't make you believe in this list, then don't read another word, you chauvinist pig!)

One:Promise your lover, 24 hours in advance, she will enjoy seven-to-one ratio in orgasms in your next encounter!

(Now, fellas, if you deliver, this alone has the ability to make you a hero!It may even convince her to let you buy that big-screen TV you've been drooling over lately!)

Two:Take her to see the ballet, or some other fru-fru event. A simple greeting card and flowers guarantees bed play as your payback!But don't complain, whine, or fall asleep!

(Warning: On any particular day, at least half of the women in the world are PMS-ing!So . . . put some chocolate on the floor, and back away slowly!)

Three:On Tuesdays and Thursdays before bed, rub her back! Once there, offer to use lotion, and rub her feet for ten minutes!

(This one almost always ensures vigorous sex on Wednesdays and Fridays!)

Four: Get up earlier than her and do all her laundry, then vacuum, and take out her trash. Now, light a candle, and awaken her with tea and toast!

(If she doesn't have the energy to screw your lights out this week, she probably will when you do these chores again next week!)

Five:Make friends with her cat!I suggest the old Pavlov routine. Buy some kitty treats.Lots of them! Eventually, after you've conditioned little Max, or whomever, he'll come running to you to get some! So will she!

(If her pet trusts you, she will trust you! And once mutual trust is established, offer to alternate choosing exotic positions for both to enjoy!)

Six:Respect her mother, compliment her job, and open all doors for her! Tell her that she deserves this treatment!

(If you are thoughtful enough to do these things, then she's probably thoughtful enough to do that nasty thing 'most any way you like it!)

Seven:Every time you leave the bed she sleeps in, make it up!
(This virtually gives you the right to mess it up when ever you want!)

Eight:Encourage her to read your favorite book. If you don't have a favorite book, then why are you reading this?You . . . you heathen!

(Read Gone With The Wind! and then give it to her.Now, when she really gets impossible, you can call her Scarlet!)(Then read Moby Dick!)

Nine:Offer to do anything sexual she wants to do!

(After she's accepted this offer three times, even the most intractable lover will eventually reciprocate!)

Ten:Offer a hot liaison in an new location!Let her pick the time and place!

(The scenarios can be endless, costumes are fun, and sometimes the expenses can be tax deductible!)

Well, there are my ten magic techniques. If this is too tough for you, then you are a WUSSIE! Gut it up, practice this stuff, and I am absolutely positive that you will wow your lady!

Peace out!

PS: Since you read this far, here are five more tips that may change her WOW! to "WOWEE!"

Tell her:

1)The girl that just lost on America's Next Top Model reminds you of your lady!

2)That you'd vote for her for president!

3)Grab her ass and say it fits in your hands just right!

4)That you'd never compare her to any of the other women you've been intimate with, never! It just wouldn't be fair to those floozies!

5)That you are fed up, and she has to raise her self esteem about her body! Hey, that's the temple you worship in!

Double true!Now, go get busy!