This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
(A recently de-classified document)
An unseen hand, with insidious intent, is invading us!
You may not feel threatened now, but numerous two-headed monsters are currently
undermining our way of life.
To help identify and target this deluded enemy, we will investigate
methods of operation, and roaming grounds. NSA reports reveal The CIA has
inserted a Judas agent.
Our mission is to protect the
freedoms, and then, on direct orders from The Vice President, in the dawn of
the morning, (that's when these bums sleep)
burst in on them using a well armed force, and then we will Attack
and Jail ALL ventriloquists!
Methods of Operation:
In public, subjects often use Weapons of Mouth
Distraction. Watch for any annoyed crowds. Subjects may talk out of both sides
of their mouth, or neither. Subjects could have one or more hands out of sight. Be on alert and suspicious if any objects or wooden persons speak to you. Subjects may
whine, and or beg to phone their agents.
Do not comply! Subjects are always assumed to be armed and dangerous!
Subjects can usually be located by surveying the seamier
comedy circuits. Subjects typically
frequent variety and revue shows. Two breeder colonies are known to exist in
recommended, if enough of our assets can be managed and applied precisely. See
the Restraint-Transport Requirements: Appendix F.
Battle Plan synopsis:
Typical search and destroy tactics. Catch, then
decapitate the dummy. Cut the head off dummy, the nutcase withers! It's time to confront the sociopaths we
failed to defeat in the late 1930's.
Refer to: Containment Procedure List B. Expected casualties: Less than
Rules of Engagement:
The Justice Department has approved the use of force.
Engage on sight or suspicion. There are
no rules or restrictions on our forces. The Geneva Convention does not apply to this action. Subjects to be nullified ASAP.
Psych OP profile:
You won't believe where the targets have been putting
their hands! It's so icky! These sickos can't stand themselves, so they get
some dummy to be their patsy. They need to be incarcerated immediately.
As funding for detention in
alternate locations include:
Andersonville, or we can always render the whole lot of them to
None is anticipated, as our operation is a final
solution for the continents, north and south, contiguous.
Options are presented on a pro-rated cost effective
basis. Ballpark guesses range from $10 to 17.8 million depending on weather, publicity,
and tranquilizer availability. GEO has access to black accounts with no
ceiling, and will disburse on demand.
Summating: This operation is available to clean the scourges ventriloquists
are perpetuating on our churches, children, and chattel. It's in your hands to trigger V-Day. We stand
Submitted this day: August 9,2006
National Psychiatric Commission
Commander Max T. Katt
PS: May we expand
the subjects to include kareoke and jugglers?
note: I filed a Freedom of Bizarre Information lawsuit, and this is what
they sent back to me. It's a strange world we live in, where nobody
is safe. If you can't hate those ventriloquists, who can you hate?