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 article about Dog catcher

This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

I know this comes as a surprise, but I'm running for dogcatcher!
The dogs I want to catch are not of the canine variety - the dogs I
want to catch are human.

DNA science proves that humans
have 99.99% similar characteristics. Our differences are mostly
geographic, monetary, and cultural. Just because you live somewhere
else than I do, or have more money than I do, or grew up in a different
type of society, doesn't mean we aren't brothers. Some of my brothers,
however, are acting like dogs!

The dogs I want to catch are the
people who cannot see that all of us on Earth are the same. People
without tolerance should have their noses rubbed in the vicious crap
they pull on their fellow man - and I am just the crazy guy to catch
them at it. Now, what can a guy who grew up in Georgia teach folks
about tolerance? Well, maybe very little, but then, maybe a whole lot.
Just look at all the time and effort we've wasted rejecting and
tormenting those that are different than we are. I don't care if your
skin color is different than mine. I don't care if your nationality
isn't American. I don't even care if your religion is different. To
quote the ubiquitous Rodney King: "Can't WE ALL just get along? "

As my time on the planet keeps getting shorter, I've realized that
people need to reach out to each other. We also need to identify those
among us who act like curs and bitches. Once identified, someone needs
to take a rolled up newspaper to their backsides. For this job, I
volunteer my services. Maybe you've heard the old saying about loser
politicians: "He couldn't get elected as a dogcatcher!" Well, I've
appointed myself to the position! I think it's time a little peer
pressure should be exerted towards the individuals who can't get along
with the rest of us. I'm not talking about criminal acts. I'm talking
about the folks who haven't got enough decency to fill up a Starbuck's
cup. Where does it say in the Homo sapiens' owner's manual that man's
inhumanity towards his fellow man is acceptable behavior? Well, it
doesn't! Referring to page nine of said manual, it says: "Love one
another as you love yourself." I do love my fellow man. Those that
inflict emotional pain on others for fun, however, should be identified
and isolated from the pack. Maybe a metaphorical distemper shot in
their butts will help them. We'll use a square needle!

The Ku
Klux Klan got approval from The Supreme Court to sponsor a clean-up
program along a stretch of the interstate highway in Illinois. You've
got to be kidding me! I know a way to show our disapproval of these
sheet-wearing idiots. I'm recommending a form of civil disobedience to
be applied to that section of roadway. Every time anyone with a social
conscience drives through the KKK area, get out of your car and urinate
or defecate where they will be cleaning up. Maybe, the hint might seep
through: Act like a pile of s**t, you'll get treated like a pile of
s**t! Perhaps this may be too symbolic. Still, better symbols than
violence. Besides, it's more efficient than tracking them down, one by
one, and leaving a pile of s**t on their front porches. Keep your eyes
out for the morons who need to learn some lessons. Keep an eye out the
same way you'd watch out for a dog with rabies.

People don't
need to put someone else's religion down to elevate their own. Claiming
one's religion has standing over another's is tantamount to saying: "My
Daddy can beat up your Daddy!" It should be enough that people worship
a God, any God. Lord give us strength!

To summate: Any time
spent persecuting others is taking time away from things that need to
be done. Watch after yourself and yours. Spend your efforts
constructively, not destructively! In other words: You tend to your
stuff, and others will tend to theirs!

Don't hesitate to call the dogcatcher when he's needed!

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