This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

I crawled through a panel I'd discovered in the old house. It slanted
to the right. I came upon a small room with a stool. For some reason,
when I sat on the stool, I was seeing out of Dick Cheney's eyes and
hearing Dick Cheney's thoughts. Oh horror of horrors for a liberal:
Suddenly I was being Dick Cheney!

I'm guessing that he
was at a cocktail party. As he moved around from group to group, from
the lowly to the high roller, these are the things I heard him say and
think. You can decide later if I conjured all of this up out of thin

"Sorry about all the military base closings, but it was either that or invade somebody!"

"Hi Robert! I read your FBI file…it really cracked me up!"

"Before 9/11, the only terrorist networks I'd ever heard of were The WB and The UPN!"

"Hell, when I first heard about it, I thought Al-Quaeda was Bill
Clinton's fraternity! Yes, I used the "F" word on the Senate floor to
Pat Leahy, but Clinton DID the "F" word on the Oval Office floor! Hey, I thought Deep Throat was Monica Lewinsky!"

"If Hilary Clinton is elected president, it will truly mean the end of the world!"

"Anybody here want one of my spare flu shots? Anybody? "

(Lookit the babes!) "Howdy Miss! How'd you like to go for a ride in Air Force Two?"

" Howdy Miss! How'd you like to slip off with me to a secure, undisclosed location?"

"Gee, my regular secure undisclosed location is usually the local Hooters!"

"Howard, you think you're confused? At least you didn't have to vote in Florida!"

"Glad I decided to keep Georgie on the ticket this time! Have you seen my new bumper sticker? "Re-Elect Dick Cheney in 2008! Eight more years! Eight more years!"

" I'm going to, ahem, we're going to divide Iraq into three parts: North Iraq, South Iraq, and the United Emirates of Halliburton! When I get real depressed, I fly over to Iraq, and poke Saddam with a sharp stick!"

"Hey, If I was one heart attack younger, I'd go out and kick Ralph Nader's butt!"

"We disguised it, but this Secret Service Agent is my personal defibrillator!"

"No problem, now my new heart runs on Windows XP."

"The next time you see me, it will be my clone!"

"Don't mess with me; or I'll make Dan Quayle President."

"Don't mess with me; I have the IRS on speed dial!"

"Tell that busboy to bring me some cheese real quick, or I'll have him detained in Guantanemo Bay!"

"Almost everybody at the While House is afraid of Condaleeza Rice, especially when she goes all Oprah on you!"

"I will initiate the Vice Presidential Directive and pardon Ken Lay"


What does the future hold? I like this guy Jeb Bush!

If you think I'm really all that mean, then you don't know Dick!

When I got off the stool, I was myself again! I scrambled out of the
panel and ran out of the house. I got in my car and drove away as fast
as I could. Now, sometimes when I can't sleep, I cringe when I think of
being Dick Cheney!