This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

I could never be a Republican. I could never be a Democrat
either. I saw the horses butts who are Independents, and I realized
that I was fast becoming a NEO-LIBERAL!

I've never
really cared about politics. Except, I hate Richard Nixon. I guess that
comes from the Watergate mess. Oh, and I think the world of Jimmy
Carter. I grew up in Georgia and watched his rise. Other than that, I
really never cared about politics.

I went about my life, mostly
apolitical, until the Clinton-sex debacle. To me, Monica Lewinsky was
the very definition of an executive privilege. After that, all the old
fogies in D.C. stopped the greatest economic era this country has ever
seen - over adultery. At the close of the 20th century, that sort of
behavior seemed old-fashioned; it just wasn't fair. I think it all
happened because Republicans were getting revenge on the Democrats for
running 'Tricky Dick' Nixon out of town. Maybe so. Personally I think
The Republicans weren't having as much fun as those damn happy-go-lucky
Democrats, and they became jealous.

Turns out, Democrats have
sex, Republicans only have committee meetings. Independent candidates
in America have always seemed spooky to me. Eugene Debs, John Anderson,
Ross Perot, and Ralph Nader strike one resonant chord in me; they all
creep me out! I do exclude from this category Jessie Ventura. Governor
Ventura creeps me out too, but it's the good kind of 'creep me out'!

As I saw more of the world, and did more things, I realized that I was
changing. An old parable changed my way of thinking. It goes like this:

"What do you get when you plant rice? "

Answer: " YOU get just what you planted: RICE! "

Now, understand what you have in your life is your RICE!
Should you bitch that it's not bananas? NO! Should you whine that it's
not candy? NO! What you have in your life now is the RICE you
already planted! Money, love, status, or faith…what you have is what
you planted. If you don't like what you have now, don't bitch, don't
whine; plant the seeds of exactly what you want. YOU are responsible for YOU!

I thanked my friend who had given me such effective insight to my own
destiny some years later. I asked where the parable originated. He
laughed. He told me that he probably had heard it on the TV show Kung

So, I plant my rice and I get what I expect. How, though,
can one make the world better? Take it from this old soldier: I'm the
red-shoed, white-haired, crazy sunuvabitch to do it! Well, I'm planting
some rice for everybody else. Before, I could be accused of liberal
tendencies; now, I'm a NEO-liberal! Look out, neo-liberals will send
meals-on-wheels to your grandma, get her free medicine, and do other
nice stuff that drives most neo-conservatives wild. We feel pretty
vicious about it, bud! Back off, OK?

You tell me why we can't
have a Marshall Plan revisited? I mean it. Take the things of which we
have most and give them to those that need them the most. It would
kinda be like Robin Hood on Steroids! …or "America's RE-GIFTING" Policy. Then we teach them how to plant rice for themselves.

First, take all the goods from all the outlet stores in America, and
send those lime-colored pants and such to folks who need clothes.
They'd love it. Next, we collect every Chia-Pet ever made, then ship
them out to feed livestock where there's no forage. The cattle and
sheep will feed the people. For kids who are cold, buy all the Mexican
blankets that Vincente can get his hands on. Why not get all The Raider
Nation t-shirts and do the same. Then we teach them to plant rice. Get
the picture yet?

Of course, naysayers will question from
where the funding for these ideas will come. Inside large government
programs, economists like Jebb Bartlett estimate 3 to 4 percent waste
or misuse. There's no good reason not to do this now. If we took 1% of
what was spent changing regimes of foreign nations, there would be
enough money left to change our world with kindness instead of bullets.
Just list it as a secondary item in the next war budget ($1 billion to
feed and clothe needy kids). Nobody would notice. If they did, it'd
take a jackass to complain. Sure, this could be called embezzling, but,
if it's good enough for Martha Stewart, it's good enough for me. She
could give us some good recipes, too.

It just makes me insane
to see things like a stupid orange art display in NYC's Central Park
costing $40 million, or stinkin' filthy rich idiots spending $40
million for inauguration parties. No person stands taller than when
they stoop to help others...unless it's that Dennis Rodman. Now is the
time for NEO-LIBERALS to get out and fight the warmongers in the
streets! The key: We fight with kindness and love.

note: I realize I may be whizzing into the wind with my theme this
week, so I've highlighted in red all the parts I meant to be funny.
Seeya next week. --Lue)