This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

My American government doesnt want me to vote. My first votes were
for Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter, and Ive felt badly about it ever
since. These days, when I do vote, its usually just to spite them. Its
occurred to me that many others might feel the same way. Our
politicians quote our founding fathers often as advocating the
exporting democracy. Following the example of any U.S. politician is a
slippery slope at best, so I do so quite guardedly! (lol) Hey, I want
to export some of that democracy stuff myself.

(Heres the pitch:) Do you want
to vote for president in Americas next national election? Do you
really? Im not just addressing American citizens here. I m talking to
everybody who has ever yearned to be free. Tens of thousands of
American voters in our 2000 election are still bitterly disappointed
and still feel disenfranchised! I just cant help them, but from
the other side of the equation, maybe I myself can compensate by
enfranchising a voter or some voters in other countries. I WILL SELL YOU my vote for president!

Now, gee whiz, a concept this exciting is bound to be controversial! I
expect theres some obscure prohibition against me legally doing this.
Ive heard in 'red-white-and-blue' voting lore that, in Chicago, whole
cemeteries have voted democratic--twice! In Texas, LBJ made fixing his
second election his bread and butter. Yet, most voter fraud is intended
to sweep someone into office. Voter fraud?? I mean: this 'Voter Helper'
is meant to make EVERYONE feel included in electing the leader of the
'free world.' Thats what I really want to do. I cant stop the bullets
and roadside bombs, I cant stop the global warming, and I cant stop
Michael Jackson, so Im inviting you to our party.

The shindig
we call America is kinda crazy, though. I made up a saying long ago
during the Gerald Ford years: CAVEAT EMPTOR VOTUS! See, once we can get
you to vote, anyone here can now blame you for any particular social or
planetary ill! I can blame you, you can blame me. We can blame them.
Theres lots of blame in America to be shared. Come, join us! Weve got
plenty to go around, and were cooking up more.

There are only three ground rules:

I dont want the money, but in America, thats how we keep score. Please
send the cash to The International Red Cross. They need our help!

Be advised: I am a stand-up comedian; Im Lue Deck, The Comic in Red
Shoes. This joke is very serious to me. Selling you my vote is not a
protest; its an invitation to crash the paradoxical barn dance we call
the USA. When you pull the curtain in the voting booth, its just you
and the damn butterfly ballot. You pay your money, you take your
chances. I will not commit a crime, but, I will submit and report each
vote cast, from anywhere in the world. Remember: its just a joke! By
the way, Palestinians and Estonians are very welcome. Al Queda and
Osama bin laden need not apply.

3) Reply to Lue@thecheers.org
This deal must be concluded by noon, PST, California time, November 2,
2004. Shortly after that time, I have to go out to vote.

if you are willing to pay the smallest denomination of paper currency
of your country, I will cast my vote as you wish. Step right up! Heyya,
step right up! Who wants to elect the next president of The United
Nutty States of America? If you cant come to America right now, use
this chance to be part of the land of the free. Weve got room.

My name is Lue Deck, The Comic in Red Shoes, and I approved this message.