Poor Lue's Almanack Feb. 2007
This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
The first part's true, The last part's Lue!
Everybody say: "Hi Lue! "
The Universe is 14 billion years old! And you think your waistline is expanding!
Public Notice: To all citizens of
Sooo, Pottery Barn's "You break it, you buy it!" policy doesn't apply if the breaker's lawyer is the U.S. Attorney General!
When President Bush announced his new plan to surge more troops to
BTW, why is it, when Bill Clinton was in The White House, the term "surge" was taken in a completely different context?
Taking revenge for all women, The New Female Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi (D) CA has ordered every toilet seat in the entire
Speaker Pelosi also has threatened to Pluto-ize Bush Jr. and have him removed from the list of REAL presidents!
Democrat posse in House of Reps pass all of the 911 Commission's recommendations, except for one . . . pinning a tail on Dick Cheney!
House Democrats order 10 cases of Lysol disinfectant and twelve gross of rubber gloves, before beginning their ethics reform bill!
What the heck is a "non-binding resolution"? You got some splaining to do! Nobody takes a "non-binding resolution" seriously! Isn't that what you use when you fake bondage during sex? A non-binding resolution?
Yesterday, one wise old man at The State Dept. suggested that the Iraqi people should actually vote on whether they want
Mark Foley . . . what a perv! His septum was the ONLY thing about him that wasn't deviated! You can text message him at Shorteyes.com
Sympathetic Republican lobbyists have been sending Scooter Libby gifts during his perjury and obstruction of justice trial! These goodies include: soap-on-a-rope, thong underwear, and lots of KY Jelly products! __
Bill and Hillary Clinton, now there's a pair! How'd you like to wake up to that every morning? Boy, there's NO prize! On either side of the bed!
The insiders say Hillary will never apologize for voting for the war! Hell, she won't even apologize for staying married to Billyboy!
To put it mildly, like most couples, the
There are those who say Hillary Clinton can win only if she starts wearing skirts and dresses! Then, there are those who say Hillary can never win, even if hubby Bill starts wearing skirts and dresses!
Former Vice President Al Gore has been nominated for The Nobel Peace Prize, as well as receiving an Academy Award nomination! Evidently, all that tree hugging is getting more popular than it used to be!
To counter some of Al's recent great publicity, The Bush Administration will make their own movie on global warming named: A Convenient Lie!
Maybe, when those horrid suicide bombers finally get to their heaven, all the virgins waiting for them will be that little girl from The Exorcist!
If they're too drunk,
The incredibly bad smell in New York City last month was scientifically and easily explained by Mayor Bloomberg recently: "My investigators have determined that simply: New Jersey cut a big one!"
Westminster Dog Show officials deny reports that
In NYC, it was so cold this week, at The View, you couldn't tell most of the co-hosts were still having hot flashes! Really, you almost couldn't tell!
Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell have signed to fight to the death, in a steel cage match, scheduled for
Lindsay Lohan had her appendix, and driver's license removed!
Brittany Spears and that Federline boob didn't really get a divorce! K-Fed now says: "It's just a phased withdrawal!"
Marilyn Manson & wifey are getting a divorce! I wonder which made her crazier: Was it the boatload of casual gay sex, or the fact that he had a big "L" on his forehead?
New study says: Women are attracted to a chemical in a man's sweat! Not only does this apply to cheerleaders and the captain of the football team, it's probably why your wife waits so long to change the sheets! __
Here's a bonus: A new short story for reading so much of my Almanack!
A Drink with the Candidates!
So . . . an icy blonde, a Hispanic, an elf from
All are quite wary, as this is the first time they've been in the same room. Slowly, all notice: hanging behind the bar is a huge oil painting of Jeb Bush. It has a moustache and eyeglasses drawn on the face. Everybody smiles!
The bartender says "What'll it be?" The angry
They grew quiet, and notice a man in a black suit stroll to the door and depart the premises. New guy Barak asks the Huckabuck who that was. As a group, including the bartender, they answer: "The man from Diebold!" They stand respectful and quietly. A visible sigh of relief escapes them.
The bartender serves everybody the same thing: Coca-Cola, with a small shot of Pepto Bismol as a back up! No one touches their drink, until the icy blonde raises her glass and says: "Thank God, Schwarzenegger can't run for president!" Various "amens" and "hallelujahs" come from everybody.
Spontaneously, the Huckabuck raises his glass and proposes a toast: "To all the informed voters!" The balding New Yorker says: "What have they got to do with it?" Once again, everybody breaks up, and laughs.
When the bartender says the tab is $85, the Mormon says: "Is that in soft money or hard?" Now, everybody is bent over laughing.
Working to get in the spirit of things, the angry
The icy blonde, trying too hard to be one of the guys yells: "Screw Al Gore!" The rest receive this hesitantly, but can't contain themselves, and one by one, bust up laughing. The icy blonde says: "Hey, that was a joke!"
Next, Barak says: "Has anyone seen that Joe Biden? He's sooo clean!" All are now starting to fall down from laughing so hard!
The phone on the bar rings, all get quiet. The bartender answers, listens, then holds the phone to his chest and yells loudly: "Anybody from the online magazine, TheCheers.org here?" The icy blonde motions all to hush. "Shhh!"
Unnoticed at a back corner table until now, a silver haired guy in red shoes, slowly rises, then limps to take the phone, and turns away for some privacy.
Now subdued, each attempts to straighten themselves. The angry
(Fade to black)
Icy Blonde:..................…...Senator Hillary Clinton
Hispanic:.....................…...Governor Bill Richardson
New Guy:...................…....Senator Barak Obama
Balding New Yorker:..........Ex-Mayor Rudy Giuliani
The Mormon:...........….......Ex- Governor Mitt Romney
Huckabuck:...............…......Ex-Governor Mike Huckabee
Man from Diebold:......….....Unknown
Silver-haired guy:........….....The Comic in Red Shoes
Shot on location in Palms, CA
No red shoes were harmed in the completion of this film.