This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

I gots the brain damages. Since I was twenty-five, I've taken more than
thirty blows to the cranial area of my poor, punkin' head. I gots the
brain damages! Remarkably though, I do get the strangest ideas. I
wonder if there's a connection?

It's not that I'm all that
clumsy, but I'm six feet, four inches tall. OK, maybe I am clumsy. But
it's the regular clumsy, like: Oops, I didn't see that vase. It's not the pitiful clumsy, like:
" Don't touch that! " OK, I bump into stuff! Half of the time I take a
shot to my noggin, it's because some inconsiderate nincompoop has left
a chandelier hanging too low, or I get caught on a staircase made for
Mini-Me. I come from good Eastern European peasant stock, (a thick
skull) so only that car wreck in Dallas ever put me in a hospital. What
doesn't kill you makes you stronger! (Ha!) Luckily, I'm not needed to
do any heavy lifting in the deep thinking department.

The blue vision
started about ten years ago. Spooky at first, then I became my own
laser light show, three days a week. It's not all that bad, if you have
a low boredom threshold. First, I hear what sounds like electrical
wires sparking. No one around me hears it, but me. Then, it's like I've
put on blue sunglasses. It's only hard to deal with, when I'm driving.
But, everything I see has a blue tint. It lasts about an hour, usually.
When it goes away, I grab my notepad, and try to catch the cascading
flow of ideas as fast as I can. I've asked doctors. I've done brain
scans. I've done cat scans. They can't find anything. Now, nobody
believes me when I tell them about the blue vision. And I think, they
think it's pretty funny! I gots the brain damages. What couldja do??

The first time I had blue vision, I invented the seaweed golf ball. I
do my stand up act on Cruise ships. The ships stopped passengers from
hitting golf balls off the back of the ship. Bad for the ecology, they
said. So, find a company, whose waste product is seaweed, buy it cheap,
dry it, and then compress it. Viola! Seaweed golf balls that are ECO-OK! Several marketing ventures proved: Nobody else shared my vision, blue or otherwise.

The next time the blue vision came over me, it was literary. I wrote an
article about the O.J. Simpson trial, announced like a horse race. I
loved the cool metaphors: " Cochran stumbles out of the gate! " And on
the day of the verdict: " Down the stretch they come! and: At the wire,
it's Jury Nullification! " Boy, What a jump, from a sensational murder
trial, to a horse race. Gee, where in the wide, wide world of recorded
thought, did that idea come from? I moved back to Hollywood, second to
Memphis as home of the blues, and almost fit in.

My longest
lasting blue period was in 2003. I wrote more than I have in my whole
life. I did an Internet radio show, nominated for a Peabody Award. What
were they thinking? I performed in USO shows on military bases
on the west coast. It all went down during a blue fog, daily. One other
thing, it seems to have brought upon me all kinds of awareness's and
sensitivities. Since the blue thingy started, all cats seem to like me.
I started talking to cats over a 16 state area. And they talked back to
me. None of them had ever heard of blue vision. Except this one gray
cat, Max. Max T. Cat. We talked about it. He had the blue vision too.
He thought it was funny, and after awhile, so did I. It's more soothing
than seeing red.

While focused in blue, other things like
politics, or touring, or girls, take a back seat. Blue vision has
taught me not to worry about the small stuff. I thank The Deity above,
and his Son, for what I know, what I can do, what I have, and what I
feel. That's all that seems important now. It's kinda prioritized
things differently. I've tried to adjust my thinking, but ultimately,
blue vision or not, the WAY I see things, is MY problem. It's that way for all of us. You see a tomato, I see a tomaato…uh, make that a blue tomaato!