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IF I Were King...

 article about im a king

This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.


We've all thought it. Thinking about it doesn't do any harm. I'm not
sure about you, but I'd make a whole lot of changes. Oh, the changes
you and I would make, if only, we were King of the World!



Now, don't get hinky on me. I've thought it out. As King of the World,
when I'm done with these five obvious changes, I'll resign. Or, you can
shoot me and reorganize the government on your Plan B. Same-same!


First: I will unveil my newest discovery. It's a sub-atomic particle
process I call The Nanno-Stopper. It slows molecular flow like a duck
in molasses, preventing the vital chain reaction. When activated, The
Nanno-stopper renders all nuclear weapons on Earth completely unworkable.
This will stop us from blowing up the planet! At the same time, it will
completely piss off anyone who has nukes. The funny part is: It's
actually fueled by Soy Sauce.

The bad news is now everything will smell like Chinese food for a while.


Second: There will be a law insisting individuals learn to how read as
a condition to getting food. To get better food, you'd have to graduate
from middle school. To get some Chocolate goodies, you would have to
learn to use a computer. To get wine, beer, or booze, it'll take
enrollment in college. To smoke cigarettes, or use a Jacuzzi, you'll
have to graduate. Vote, and Do Jury Duty, you get free bananas for
life! Read two hundred books: Now, you can own a car! WRITE a book, get
a free trip to Las Vegas! (That's true now) Complete your Masters
Degree, you'll be allowed to exceed the speed limit by 30 mph, forever!
Those folks who educate themselves will always be able to do more than those who don't.

Third: ALL ventriloquists, mimes, and impressionists are really twisted souls. So they will be forced to perform for each other only, for the rest of all eternity.

Fourth: Let's do good, exactly where
good needs to be done. Let's start by building pharmaceutical factories
in African nations to make and distribute AIDS drugs to patients free
and faster! Order Merck, Pfizer, Lily, and all the other rich pill boys
would drag their butts and go help where they are needed most. Along
this line of thinking, I'll also move The Crest and Oral B companies
into Great Britain. The Hooked on Phonics people will take over all
Canada. I will order the rock band REM to do a gnarly concert in
Tallinn, Estonia. Listerine, Right Guard, and Nair will open massive
factories in France! Aerial spraying of Valium and Prozac commences
over the entire Middle East.

Fifth: Everybody on the planet
gets their own pair of Nikes, and a large helium balloon! 'Leggo Land'
will invent the five-person, low-cost house. It would cost a mere
$1000. It's red, yellow, and blue. Before 2010, we will export ten
million worldwide, except in flood zones, tornado zones, or The
Republic of Santa Monica. Lastly, no one will be allowed to sing We Are
The World, in public, ever again.

That's all; revoke the
ventriloquist thingy if it's too personal to me. I resign! Effective
immediately, I am no longer your good luck to the next guy in line (
BANG-BANG! Ha Ha, missed me!). Long live The New King!



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