This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

These are the times that fry mens souls. Political invective has reached Mount Saint Helens' proportions! We can expect a new type of Reality TV show featuring public relation reps doing the attack dog thing for each camp. As the candidates rehearse, so do their dastardly minions. Backstage at the big debate last week, I was lucky enough to witness some of them trying out their latest chops:

Welcome to Take Your Best Shot! Sponsored by Halliburton, who asks the question, "Is that barrel of oil half empty, or half full?" For purposes of our match-up, Ill refer to the Kerry supporters as: KS, and of course, Ill call the Bush supporters: BS! First in line, please, step up to the podiumMay I help you?

KS: NICE Shoes! ..

Well, Thanks, Mr. KS, please: Take your best shot!

KS: John Kerry says this election is a NO BRAINER! Boiling it ALL

the way down HEY America: Its The STUPIDSTUPID!

The Bush Cheney campaign bus is starting to LEAK OIL!

Really? Youre next, Mr. Conservative!

BS: Official FOOTWEAR of the John Kerry campaign is THE FLIP-FLOP!

Thats nice, next: KS: Back to you:

KS: Bush had his second colonoscopy. All the doctors found was an

IMPRESSION OF HIS OWN HEAD! And the Bush twins? They keep

getting in trouble, one for beer, and one for PILLS! Just who do these little Tarts THINK they ARE?? KENNEDYS??

BS: Kerrys advisors secretly call the Senator: MR. ED HEAD!!

Now, gentlemen, please try to show some semblance of decorum! Please, dont make me pull out the Homeland Security files on each of you! OK, Mr. KS?

KS: OK! OK! Mr. BS: OK! I believe its your turn, Mr. KS!

KS: John Kerrys wife has ENOUGH money to BUY Dick Cheneys wife!

BS: Whats Edwards going to do? Offer the next country were going to war with another $87 millionNOT TO?

KS: Georgie Dont SURF! Well, as far as presidents appointed by the Supreme Court go. Bush Jr. is my FAVORITE! Besides, George is the first president that has a worse arrest record than I do!

BS: The Kerry-Edwards ticket is the fastest talking thing on four legs since Frances the Talking Mule! Just look at them!

Keep it above the belt, boys! Weve got an international audience.

KS: John Kerry reached over the side of his swift boat and saved a sailor. Georgie Jr reached over the side of his yacht, and saved that last Bottle of Tequila!

I remind both of you, theres no evidence of any conspiracy. Mr. BS, its your turn:

BS: We won The Cold War because we had a higher limit on our credit cards! Bush is tired of all the poor countries around the world, constantly spare-changing America all the time. Oh, were poor! OOHHHH!

KS: All Bush is doing is paying our MasterCard bill with Visa checks! Really, the President must have his brain on a time-share!

BS: (veiled threat) Never forget, a C student controls our nuclear arsenal!

KS: Bush-Cheneys new slogan: Heart and Soul! Great, one needs a new heart, The other needs a new soul! Is it I, OR is Bush starting to look a lot like Dick Nixon these days? And look! Nobody can re-fold the roadmap to Peace!

Now, steady gentlemen. We have reached the time for closing statements. Mr. BS?

BS: Electing Kerry and Edwards would be like electing two Clintons!

KS: President Bush and Vice President Cheney testified at the 911 Commission. Theres an audiotape, but it sounds just like Charlie Browns parents!


Thats the end of our time tonight. And as each of the competitors KNOWS, in a contest like this, there are NO WINNERS! Only the amused. Wholl you have? Thumbs up? Or thumbs down? Who do you want to be KING of the American Hill?

Be careful, You just might get what you asked for!