This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
Welcome to America, where the idiot son of a former owner, is now
running the place! Everyone in the world can't live in America, but
America can live with everyone in the world. If you happen to live in a
country where you can't criticize your president, you can accept my
offer to become an Honorary American and feel free to criticize ours!
As an Honorary American, you are now entitled to mimic how we behave.
How gauche! You can call Bush a country bumpkin or claim he has Mad
Cowboy Disease. You can say virtually anything you want to about our
President, and most of us already have. We got this handy little thing
called freedom of speech here, and you're welcome to avail yourself of
it at any time. You can even advocate the democratic overthrow of our current politicians. The only thing you can't do is shoot at the president! (see John Hinckley)
As an Honorary American, you may feel inclined to brag, and you may
brag a lot. You may brag that our way of life is better than any other
society, then you will be scorned, like the rest of us. You may
consider a trip to Las Vegas for promiscuous sex, just like the rest of
us! Americans have freedoms you've never thought of. You may feel like
littering. Get used to it. You might even consider declaring yourself a
Native American and open your own casino. You could form your own
chapter of the Communist Party, but then people would treat you like
you were a karaoke singer, and vice versa. Face it: Americans have
freedoms coming out our wazoos! (See San Francisco) Does this make You,
and the rest of us, infidels? I think not! It's confusing to be an
American. Get used to it! The American herd instinct is radically
different than what you're used to. It's way too easy to get absorbed
and lose your own direction when the herd changes course. That's
approximately what happened to the all folks who voted for Ralph Nader.
On the other hand, as an Honorary American, you will want some Levi's
and an SUV. You may want to eat fast food, drive real fast, and curse
the local cops. Feel free! Go anywhere you want. Get used to it! Buy
anything you want. You can run up an incredible credit card debt, and
suffer from irritable bowel syndrome. You may give millions upon
millions of $$$ to the next disaster victims in an endless line,
without even an if you please. Your sons and daughters, who were
actually ordered overseas, may be killed, maimed, beheaded, or
held hostage. Unfortunately, that happens, too! You may also be
reviled, spit upon, and roadside bombed, just like the rest of us. Get
used to it. It comes with the turf.
America still has problems,
just like every other super power. If America jumped off a damn cliff,
would your country jump off a cliff, too? These days, some nations are
acting like teenagers after school. Isn't it time for all of us to start behaving like cogent adults? Isn't it time?
Emma Lazarus' poem says, "Give us your tired, your poor, your wretched
refuse, learning to be free." Constitutionally, it's still true here.
However, just like a rusty pendulum, our door now seems to be swinging
shut. Don't miss this chance. Use positive visualization. "As ye think,
so shall ye be." Become an Honorary American! Please accept my
heartfelt invitation. Try walking a mile in our shoes. Then, and only
then, maybe you'll finally understand why we still love America, warts
and all!
running the place! Everyone in the world can't live in America, but
America can live with everyone in the world. If you happen to live in a
country where you can't criticize your president, you can accept my
offer to become an Honorary American and feel free to criticize ours!
As an Honorary American, you are now entitled to mimic how we behave.
How gauche! You can call Bush a country bumpkin or claim he has Mad
Cowboy Disease. You can say virtually anything you want to about our
President, and most of us already have. We got this handy little thing
called freedom of speech here, and you're welcome to avail yourself of
it at any time. You can even advocate the democratic overthrow of our current politicians. The only thing you can't do is shoot at the president! (see John Hinckley)
As an Honorary American, you may feel inclined to brag, and you may
brag a lot. You may brag that our way of life is better than any other
society, then you will be scorned, like the rest of us. You may
consider a trip to Las Vegas for promiscuous sex, just like the rest of
us! Americans have freedoms you've never thought of. You may feel like
littering. Get used to it. You might even consider declaring yourself a
Native American and open your own casino. You could form your own
chapter of the Communist Party, but then people would treat you like
you were a karaoke singer, and vice versa. Face it: Americans have
freedoms coming out our wazoos! (See San Francisco) Does this make You,
and the rest of us, infidels? I think not! It's confusing to be an
American. Get used to it! The American herd instinct is radically
different than what you're used to. It's way too easy to get absorbed
and lose your own direction when the herd changes course. That's
approximately what happened to the all folks who voted for Ralph Nader.
On the other hand, as an Honorary American, you will want some Levi's
and an SUV. You may want to eat fast food, drive real fast, and curse
the local cops. Feel free! Go anywhere you want. Get used to it! Buy
anything you want. You can run up an incredible credit card debt, and
suffer from irritable bowel syndrome. You may give millions upon
millions of $$$ to the next disaster victims in an endless line,
without even an if you please. Your sons and daughters, who were
actually ordered overseas, may be killed, maimed, beheaded, or
held hostage. Unfortunately, that happens, too! You may also be
reviled, spit upon, and roadside bombed, just like the rest of us. Get
used to it. It comes with the turf.
America still has problems,
just like every other super power. If America jumped off a damn cliff,
would your country jump off a cliff, too? These days, some nations are
acting like teenagers after school. Isn't it time for all of us to start behaving like cogent adults? Isn't it time?
Emma Lazarus' poem says, "Give us your tired, your poor, your wretched
refuse, learning to be free." Constitutionally, it's still true here.
However, just like a rusty pendulum, our door now seems to be swinging
shut. Don't miss this chance. Use positive visualization. "As ye think,
so shall ye be." Become an Honorary American! Please accept my
heartfelt invitation. Try walking a mile in our shoes. Then, and only
then, maybe you'll finally understand why we still love America, warts
and all!
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