This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

(Is this too simple . . . or what?)


OK, so America did well at nation building with South Korea, Japan, and Germany.  Nobody can take that away from us. America also did pretty well with Israel, Thailand and The Philippines. But, as far as Iraq goes . . . not so good!


Some, including the boobs running The U.S.A., say democracy is on the march in Iraq. Well, let's check if that idea holds water. I so hate hoisting hypocrites on their own petards (NOT!) but, as old Ronnie Reagan often said: "Trust, but verify!"


The media avalanche worldwide on Iraq's vote for its constitution was inspirational and surprising for us all.  Let's use that old sport's adage: Run that same play again!  Really, if it worked so well then, it might work again now. I know it sounds too simple, but why don't we let the people in Iraq vote on whether or not America should pull our military out of their country?


Yes, there are hurdles to this whole concept. How dare we, the common people of the U.S.A., propose the common people in Iraq get to determine their own destiny? What impudence!  The rich and powerful usually reserve such work for themselves.  We are most certainly white trash, just for mentioning it!


We could ask The U.N. to sanction this idea, but wait . . . everybody knows if you want an idea to boggle down and fail, they specialize in that at The United Nations. The U.N. bureaucrats couldn't organize their way out of a wet paper bag; much less do the proper and democratic deeds that need be done.


Who else could sponsor this idea?  How do we sell this idea to those in power in Baghdad and Washington, D.C.?  What does America do if our troops are voted out?  What will we do if they aren't? Lastly, no matter what America does at this very late point in the game, get ready you gullible taxpayers, this is gonna cost us a "whole passel" of cash!


By the way, will those in power in Baghdad and D.C. tell the Iraqi public what the difference between a republic and a democracy is?  Or shall I?


First things first, for the Iraqis to have "the Audacity of Hope" in gaining self-determination, we need something or someone to "Big Brother" this democratic concept.  My first thought was to get that Bono guy from U2! But, he's probably busy doing something real for the world. Next, I thought of Angelina Jolie and Madonna, but they're probably busy doing unreal stuff like husband stealing, or crucifying themselves, or adopting more babies. Whoever we get to do this will have to be just as loud and bothersome as these two!


Then, a sartori visited my consciousness. Let's harness the 24-hour news cycle vultures to do some good for once. Yeah, that's it! If we can get those voracious news dopes to buy in here, it could be the next big "shout heard around the world!" Just imagine this "media    induced brainwashing" put to a good cause. It's kinda dangerous, I know. But, hey, what could go wrong with this?


Next, what can America do if the Iraqi people vote our military out of their supposed sovereign state? GTFO! (Get the F**k OUT!)


What can America do if the Iraqi people vote for our military to stay for awhile?  Some still say GTFO!  


I say we should buy everything we can get our hands on from over-productive and needy American companies and ship it to Iraq until the cows come home. Give the Iraqi people U.S. products so they can share in the plenty of our country. Buy and ship to Iraq items like Oxy-Clean, Frisbees, Ginzu knives, sixty million Notre Dame T-shirts, Jiffy Pop, Kevin Federline CDs, and a lifetime supply for every citizen in the whole damn country of that Head-On relief medicine (apply directly to the forehead!)  This will help the Iraqi people finally understand what America is all about.


Staying on as peacekeepers won't work, because there is no peace to keep. Are we staying on to stabilize Iraq's oil production?  Or, as the bill of goods sold us stated: are we staying in Iraq for the spread of democracy?  This is the hardest one of all to believe, but I know a way to prove my point.


If America and our "coalition of the willing" are in Iraq to help facilitate democracy, then let the Iraqi people vote if they want our troops to leave or stay. As far as spreading democracy, I dare the "men in power" in America and Iraq to put up or shut up. I double dare them!  Whaddaya say, let's have a vote. And not one of those Florida or Ohio kind of votes, NO!  Let's have another one of those "purple finger in the air" kinda votes.  That was so cool!


Then, what can the American taxpayer expect?  If you pay taxes in America, soon you will be called to save the environment, Social Security, Medicare, the whales, the baby boomers, New Orleans, The Chicago Cubs, and then you'll get slipped a stupendously big bill for the Iraq war and reparations!  That's already been decided! 


If you or I were Iraq, we'd get a lawyer and sue America!  Maybe, just maybe . . . the Iraqi people won't.


We were told: "Democracy has a toehold in Iraq!"  Let's see if that's true!  Iraq for the Iraqis!  Let's let them decide their own destiny, it's the least we, in America, owe them!