An Open Letter to North Korea
This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
peace loving American, I want to warn all the North Koreans: Hey, our nutty
leader is even more Froggy than your nutty leader! So, everybody over
there, watch out! (Froggy is
slang for unpredictable, as in: one doesn't know which way Froggy will jump.)
just hunkering down. Pardon me, that means squatting. I mean: it means keeping
a low profile, staying low. We're staying low until 2008, when we get a new
president! Yes, you heard me correctly. Americans get a new leader quite often,
although, not so much lately. I guess getting another leader might be a
new concept to you guys, because you've only had two of them in
the last sixty-one freaking years!
let's talk about stuff? Kamsa nida! (Korean for Thank you!) Basically, as citizens,
we're in the same damn boat. My country seems to ignore the will of its
people...so does yours! My country has nuclear weapons...so does yours! My
country is run by a crazy son of a former leader...so is yours! See we aren't
that far apart.
have been to
I also visited Punsan,
country, I loved your South. I went to The North only once: My USO Tour group
was escorted to the border between North and
where the truce "pausing" the Korean War was negotiated and signed. We got to
inspect the negotiating hut, near The Bridge of No Return.
(Even today, many people are killed trying
to get from one side to the other.)
Our military escort pointed out, "
This entire area is located on the 38th parallel. This building was made to sit
astride the pre-war border. This table bisected, by the microphone cord, is the
dividing line. (Pointing 6 feet behind table) Over there is
Would anyone like to step into
two big steps, our escort, jokingly, yelled: "BOO!" Well, I was so
nervous, I screamed like a little girl, and fell on the table. Knowing it's
historical significance, I reeled back, almost fell down, lurched up, and came
to a rest with my nose on the nearest window.
I was virtually face to face to a hostile
guard in a Chi-com fur hat, holding an AK-47, snarling at me on the other side!
Yeah, sure, it's all just big fun, until someone wets his pants. Personally, do
I want to come back to
nida at all! But, we should still talk about some stuff.
about those missiles your leader has been lobbing all over the place. That's
just the kind of thing that makes our leader think he has to do
something Froggy. Please remember: our leader specializes in Froggy! I know,
you think your leader is unpredictable, but has he gone and invaded anywhere
yet? No. Well, we can't say that here. Our guy has invaded two countries
already, and if you ask me, he's looking real hard at you guys right now! The
only reason our leader hasn't really gone after your leader...is because our
spies tell us your leader got all of his rockets at IKEA! Also, our
leader still thinks that Kim's missiles are powered by Mentos and Diet Coke. So
you can see what we're dealing with over here.
there seems to be quite a few situations that could (if you can excuse the
expression) explode any minute.
the octopus we are, in eight different directions. Money, oil, nukes, Al Qaeda,
Osama, Hamas, Hezbollah, and Human Rights are just the start of it. Our leader
(and most of us) doesn't have the time to waste dealing with your problems
seems insensitive, it is the state of affairs just now. Our leader needs to
spend his time dealing with the countries and leaders that do have money and
oil, or are about to attack us. He's busy, real busy! His aides showed him
exactly where your country is located. He's working hard, real hard. I'm afraid
if our leader gets too stressed about your leader, there's going to be trouble
between them. So ask your leader nicely, real nicely, if he would just back off
for a little while. Not that it will work, but we should try.
nida for listening.
The Comic in Red Shoes