This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.

In the course of human events, it has become necessary for one people to dissolve the bonds that restrain each from saying, "Stop that!" I may have a lot of gall, but I hereby do accuse those addressed within this list and declare, "STOP THAT!"

All pecker-picker-upper ads on TV (yeah we know)…STOP THAT!

Any and all concerned who make the decisions to advertise any feminine hygiene products during the dinner hour, be it radio, TV, or text message…STOP THAT!

Ken Jennings, who won 74 straight times on Jeopardy and is about to bankrupt Merv Griffin and the whole damn show…STOP THAT!

All Indianapolis Pacer and Detroit Piston employees, you are scaring the children, the advertisers, and the golden goose with your teenage temperaments…STOP THAT!

To the war hawks at the Pentagon planning their next invasion…STOP THAT! (We know an invasion isn't your best moment but State Farm will be there with you.)

RED State people who want the BLUE State people hunted down, and exterminated as soon as possible…STOP THAT!


[in]Clinton Presidential Library, the largest conglomeration of double-wide house trailers in the entire world, opening it's own onsite Dry Cleaners…STOP THAT!

To each and every one of Donald Trump's toupee makers and all of his bankruptcy lawyers, for America's sake (you're scaring the children, too!)…STOP THAT!

To anybody who helped get Bobbie Brown out of the slammer…STOP THAT!

To those who commission, produce, or appear in reality TV shows…STOP THAT! (Reality is what happens when you turn the TV set OFF!)

The idiot cocaine users who are ruining the pot markets everywhere…STOP THAT!

Drivers using their cell phones while trying to kill me on the freeway…STOP THAT!

The "Can you hear me now?" guy…STOP THAT! If you don't, we will hunt you down and make you suffer over and over like we have.

From the American and Canadian Dental Associations to the NHL…PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, STOP THAT!

Pauley Shore, you little weasel, whatever you're doing these days…STOP THAT!

To Courtney Love, who is rumored to be trying to get pregnant…STOP THAT! PLEASE STOP THAT! FOR GOD'S SAKE…PLEASE STOP THAT!

 article about stop that
Ventriloquists everywhere, get your hand out of the puppet's anal cavity. You are twisted and sick…STOP THAT!

Rap artists who are intent on doing each other harm…DON'T STOP NOW!

Martha Stewart to Inmate #50039…STOP THAT!

Collectively, Tom Arnold, Yanni, John Tesh, Richard Simmons, Ru Paul, Bill O'Reilly, Howard Stern, Jacques Chirac (you little weasel), Kim Il Jong (you even littler weasel), Don King, Clay Aiken, Fidel (did I say OOPS?) Castro, and Jerry Springer…ALL OF YOU STOP IT IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL TURN YOU IN TO THE IRS AND THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY!

To my gentle readers, I realize that I am but one lonely man (in Red Shoes) and I cannot change this big, nasty world alone. I ask for your help in this hopeful endeavor by sharing with me the things and people to whom you want to scream…STOP THAT!

I can envision hoards of angry protestors from Mexico to Moscow, from Madison, Wisconsin to Tallun, Estonia, from Bangkok, Thailand to Bangor, Maine storming their local bastions of power with huge signs and powerful chants of: STOP THAT!...

This article was first published back in 2006dish.