In Search of Laughs! column


Column by Lue Deck
Weekly humor column by Lue Deck, the comedian in Red Shoes!
I’m STILL Standing! (Standup comedy is a harsh mistress)
When last I left my intrepid readers, I was holding a handful of miracles. In the ensuing week, I realized it just couldn’t last. I was right. To quickly review, here are some of the crazy miracles to give you some perspective: I was hurt real b..read on

SEARCHING FOR SOME LAUGHS!
(A biased book review) Title: “ I’m Dying Up Here! ” Author: William Knodelseder Published by: Pereus Book Group Public Affairs Books.com Jacket Design by Pete Garceau Available online, and as an E-book. In 1979, a handful of L.A. standu..read on

Dear Santa (Redoux)
(I've been good this year.....I promise!)   Hi Saint Nick!   Please give my best to the Mrs. and all your cool elvy guys and gals! I hope the past year has left you well and happy. May you be blessed! I send this note in hopes of conv..read on

Lue\'s Little Joke Store!
( The only choice that made any sense to me.)   Life for me before 1968 was anything but a lot of laughs. It was Georgia, what can I say? That's why since then, I've bypassed realities and dedicated my existence to funny!  The retail outl..read on

You Might be a Yankee If...
(Separating Yankees from their cash is all we need 'em for.)   There've been hard feelings between Northerners and Southerners since 1861. Much of these sentiments have faded, but let's get real, not all of them. I know the other side of this ..read on

26 Ways To Repair America\'s Image!
(Hey, The USA used to excel at this kinda stuff!)   Let's face it, as far as America's popularity around the globe goes, we're not doing so well right now. We should be brainstorming to come up with some jazzy ideas to get us back to being eve..read on

Why Jimmie Johnson Is My Hero!
(And it has very little to do with NASCAR)   NASCAR’s famed Nextel Cup Championship goes to Jimmie Johnson of El Cajon, California! Homestead Raceway hosted the last contest of the year. It was a season that seemed charmed by an unearthly powe..read on

An Open Letter To The Dalai Lama
(Congratulations to Tibet's Pope!)   (Born Lhamo Dhondup, July 6,1935 in the Taskar region of Northeast Tibet. At the age of two, was recognized as the re-incarnated 14th Dalai Lama, now Tenzin Ygatzo. Fled Communist China imprisonment in 1959..read on

The BRA-SNAP Heard \'Round the World!
 (Women have waited long enough!)   I don't want your vote.  I don't want your money. I want your attention for about four minutes. Four minutes of your time, and then you can change the world.  How about it?  Is it a deal?..read on

Republicans DROPPING Like FLYS!
(More than twenty now sitting in Congress have had enough!)   With all its gadflies (and their cash) The Grand Old Party must feel like they've flown into a colossal "Time for a Change!" bug-zapper!    After painful losses in 2007..read on

Should The US Evict The UN?
(“Whadda we need these mooks in New York for, anyway?”)   This parenthetical attributed to an NYC cabbie…and possibly many others.   Every so often our Turtle Bay quadrant of the Big Apple is flooded with  foreigners looking to ach..read on

I SHOULDA SHOT PAULY SHORE!
(It might have saved The Comedy Store! Normally, I do not advocate any kind of violence...but this little Weasel is a special case.)   It all started when Elvis Presley's opening act, Sammy Shore, and his bride Mitzi opened our planet's first ..read on

Moody Mahmoud Vacations in NYC!
(Dialogue is important now.....but with this schmuck??)   The scruffy President of Iran arrived Sunday to visit The Big Apple and speak at Columbia University Monday and The United Nations on Tuesday. Then he better get out of town fast. &nbs..read on

Politicians GONE WILD!
(Whatsup wid dat?) Politicians are not committing more crimes right now than ever in history, it just seems that way! It seems that way, mostly because the ever-devouring 24/7 TV news monster always needs more salacious coal to stoke its hungry fire..read on

5TH BEST THING EVER! (AFTER SEX!)
(A spectacular time to watch sports!)   I love riveting books, windy days, kitties, and Peace on Earth! But these pleasures can’t compare to the ecstasy a true sports nut feels at this particular time of the year.  TV finally fulfills it’..read on

Ding Dong...The ROVE Is GONE!
(And Take Your Little Dog, Alberto...With You!)   How far up the bush do you have to prune to find the rotten parts?   President Bush's listing ship of state is losing supposedly loyal staff faster than the UN's Food for Oil program. Wi..read on

THE TENUOUS TAR BABY IN IRAQ!
A fictional political fable.   ( I had a dream in which Uncle Remus told me…and Joel Chandler Harris, this wild story about the terrorists and Uncle Sam. My acknowledgements, as well as my compliments to Georgia's esteemed Mr. Harris.) &n..read on

‘ I AM WHO I AM BECAUSE OF MY DAD! ’
(In the hoisted-on his-own-petard Dept:)   Is there better way to expose the truth about our leader than to use his own words to reveal what’s behind the curtain at Boobs R Us?  It’s not The Wizard of Oz; it’s George Bush, Jr.  Here ..read on

The Last Funny guy!
The Last Funny guy! Sure, we had lots of 'em back in '07, but not so much now!   Or:   The Day The Funny Died! Remember when it was OK to laugh?   Or:   Maybe George Orwell Was Right! He missed by 38 years!   (..read on

Random Thoughts
(As far as launching laugh-seeking missles go, I've probably had my share. Most were calculated and precisely aimed, but I'm not always that lucky. Sometimes these nutty concepts just bang right into my poor punkin' haid! It's my own fault that I end..read on

HOGWASH Fatigue!
(Just tell our politicians to shut up!)   This commentary is dedicated to Mr. Brian Lamb, U.S. Navy (Ret) and his esteemed colleagues at CSPAN for posing an outstanding question (How has war fatigue affected you?) to begin their signature show..read on

Time To Haunt Bush Junior!
(Maybe, it’s past time)   I hate war!  There I said it.  And there’s nothing anyone can say that will change how I feel!  Now, with thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of deaths during President Bush’s questionab..read on

\' People Voting With their Feet! \'
(Resistance is Futile!)   DNA scientists have pretty much proven humans first migrated out of Africa, and split in two basic groups. The first slowly  "lumbarred" to Euro-Asia, the second ambitious bunch headed for what would turn out to ..read on

From First to Worst!
(A critique on The USA’s slide in worldwide popularity!)   Gosh, it seems like just a few years ago Uncle Sam, America, and  most of its people were hot!  Damned hot! We all felt lots better about  ourselves when we were, didn’t..read on

The Ten Most Irritating Things Men Do During Sex!
(Or trying to get it!)   In the interest of fair play, let’s all concede that men have tormented women since time began!  Why should half of our world’s population continue to be annoyed with no payback?  Let’s shine a light on all m..read on

Huddled Around Some Laughs!
(How we got to where we are)   This article is dedicated to much beloved bald guy: Tom Sobel! Get well soon buddy!   Actually we, the modern day equivalent of caveman, cavewomen, and cave kiddies, are all just looking to lean towards a ..read on

Ten ways to WOW Your Lady in Bed!
(Hey numbskull, if the first one doesn't make you believe in this list, then don't read another word, you chauvinist pig!) One:Promise your lover, 24 hours in advance, she will enjoy seven-to-one ratio in orgasms in your next encounter! (Now,..read on

How to change the world, one person at a time!
(Or: Why should I say thanks?) (Or: Just sit your xenophobic butt down, and listen to reason!)   Why would anyone want to change the world?  Why would they want to do it one person at a time?  Hey, whose world?  By the way, wh..read on

Get off My President’s Back!
(An open appeal to America’s critics!)   Oh sure, like your country’s never been run by some idiot before!    Hey world, calm down some! Gosh, golly, gee, if we're all so terrible just put America on “hold” for awhile until we get..read on

Ephemera From Poor Lue!
Atheism is on a definite decline worldwide . . . thank God!   In this month in 1902, the vacuum cleaner was invented! Some pessimists say: "Ever since then . . . Life sucks!"   (Seeing the massive religious celebration Holy-Palooza is ..read on

Save Earth and Laugh Now!
(The galaxy needs comics!)   Turns out, The Confederation of Planets won't admit Earth until we've attained certain levels of science, sensitivity, and nonviolence! Informed of this data, a select group of future thinkers have been planning, f..read on

The Legendary Feel-Good Machine
Here's my challenge: If you're not happy and want to be so, or if you're happy and want to take steps to remain so, or if you're not sure if you are as happy as you want to be . . . read on.  If you're not happy and don't care, stop reading this..read on

When what was right, was wrong!
(It happens more often than you think.)   I've made some mistakes in my life. Some real doozies! And you, kind reader, unless your name is Jesus, you have too.   Acknowledging this, have the mistakes you made in the past helped you to a..read on

\'Declare a REAL War...Or Get OFF the Pot!\'
(Inside Nancy Pelosi's head!)   Most of us have dreams.  Some of us even remember those dreams. Do you remember your dreams?  I do. I dreamed I was inside Nancy Pelosi’s head. Is that weird, or what?  Maybe I was getting in touc..read on

‘…and Uncle Sam cried!’ (A parade of heroes)
  (A parade of heroes)   There's a local legend in Washington, D.C. It's rumored that some nights there are strange goings on at the National Mall.  For those who are there to behold (and believe), ghosts still stroll that hallowe..read on

Iraqis should vote U.S. Military In or Out!
(Is this too simple . . . or what?)   OK, so America did well at nation building with South Korea, Japan, and Germany.  Nobody can take that away from us. America also did pretty well with Israel, Thailand and The Philippines. But, as far..read on

Poor Lue\'s Almanack Feb. 2007
The first part's true, The last part's Lue!   Everybody say: "Hi Lue! "   The Universe is 14 billion years old!  And you think your waistline is expanding!   Public Notice: To all citizens of Iraq: Uncle Sam has lost hi..read on

What I know that you don’t!
(This will be short!)   Scolding amateur comedians is a gas! As I traveled in my own standup career, often I've been asked to help and coach some inexperienced comedy performers. If these wayward souls could be helped, mostly I tried to help...read on

The Lie That Broke The Camel\'s Back!
(Our 43rd president proves himself to be The Fibber-in-Chief!)   Fool us once, shame on you!  Fool us twice, shame on us! Fool us five times, shame on all of us for still believing we can trust you. Oh, my President: Where forth art thou..read on

To Tickle...Or NOT To Tickle!
That’s my question! Do you hate to be tickled?  Some people do. I am not one of those people.  Do you like to tickle your lover? I do. It’s scientific name is : gargalesis!    My online dictionary lists the following definition..read on

The Comics NO ONE Remembers
(Author’s note: insert tongue in cheek, brave reader) After a good night at a comedy show, isn’t it amazing how hard you laughed then, but the next day, you can’t recall the name, or place the face? (Geez, that babe with the tight skirt? Or that guy ..read on

Cheer Up America!
(A quick look on the bright side)   Gosh, with all the holiday blues going around, and with all of Uncle Sam's woes these days, it's become real easy to get down on ourselves lately.  But don't.  It's really not that bad for us.&nb..read on

Laughin\' with The Troops!
(A lesson in personal humility)   From Subic Bay in the Philippines, to a 2,000 seat arena on the Island of Diego Garcia in the Pacific Ocean, when I have been onstage doing comedy shows for our Armed Forces, I’ve known I had two things in com..read on

Wanna\' Trade Your Citizenship For Mine?
Editor's note: This article has been brought back through the time machine, but due to certain events it might be more timely than ever. Wanna' Trade Your Citizenship For Mine? (Walk A Mile in My Red Shoes!) If you are a citizen of a country..read on

The Last HONEST Booking Agent (They\'re disappearing at an alarming rate!)
When one prostitutes oneself for laughs, i.e. taking money to perform in a plethora of cities and states and countries, face it, most stand-up comics need a pimp they can trust! I’ve been dispatched to hundreds and hundreds of locations to do shows..read on

AMNESTY For Junior Bush!
Here’s an idea whose time may have come: Like the Christmas commercials running already, it could be too early to propose this, but…won’t you all consider some of that amnesty stuff for our disillusioned leader: Junior Bush?   Hey, Georgie…you..read on

HELL\'S CRUISE SHIP!
If you can force your Freud, Jung, and Dr. Phil back in their closets for a moment, I’ve got a story to tell you. If you can’t, just ignore me, and go invade another country!   Mythologies supporting after-death events have peppered mankind’s ..read on

My 100 Best Jokes from 2006!
With three hundred and sixty one days gone from 2006, it may be a good idea to retrace our steps to see how we've come to where we are. At least that's what I've been telling my goverment. Here are my 100 best jokes, chosen from the past ten months: ..read on

Democrat\'s Pre-Nuptial Contract!
Democrats need the strongest effort in history to regain control of Congress. I believe their leaders need a framework to attract the huge number of voters needed. Something with a real catchy name. So, watch out America, here comes the Democra..read on

Jokes or Attitude?
When you are laughing with a stand-up comedian, it may not make much difference to you whether the comic is a joke guy or an attitude guy. But for those on the way up the showbiz staircase, it could be the deciding factor between a three year ca..read on

We Shoulda Known About Ex-Congressman Foley!
Our American politics do make for strange bedfellows. And then, they feel the need to cover it all up! It's time for a change! Here's my Top Ten list of reasons WHY we all shoulda known about Mark Foley: 10. His disclosure form shows h..read on

Gov. Beefcake Rides Again!
The immigration problem in California is so bad, we've had to hire a temporary guest worker from Austria to govern our state! Is our star's brilliance dimming, or increasing? California, the land of fruits and nuts, is far fruittier and nuttier than..read on

Lunatics at The UN
When England’s Prime Minister returned from his meeting with Hitler, Chamberlain waved a signed truce paper and declared to all: He had achieved “Peace in our times!…” Poor Neville had not. And, since The League of Nations died its hapless death,..read on

Poor Lue’s Almanack 09/06
As 2006 ebbs into it's fourth quarter, its time for a Hail Mary! Or maybe a Bloody Mary. Hang on tightly, 2007 is coming fast! Here's some of my recent thoughts about this crazy world: President Bush reveals his new slogan: ..read on

The Evolution of a NEO-CON! ......or Please Come Back William F. Buckley, You Weren\'t THAT Bad!
(An ongoing metamorphosis from homo sapiens to insecure warmonger) It's time to realize wackos escaped from the booby hatch are advising the C student that runs America and the free world. Where did they come from? Were they nurtured or nourished?..read on

Why America laughs (so much!)
(From A to Z) America pursues the art and act of laughing, sometimes relentlessly. The motivations that make one laugh are numerous and varied. Have you ever wondered why some laugh at one thing, and others do not? (As a topical columnist, I wo..read on

Attack and Jail ALL Ventriloquists!
(A recently de-classified document) An unseen hand, with insidious intent, is invading us! You may not feel threatened now, but numerous two-headed monsters are currently undermining our way of life. To help identify and target this..read on

The Sounds of Freedom
As smells can evoke one's memories (popcorn makes me think about sex…it's from my teen years) certain sounds may provoke reactions from one's quiver of emotions. The sounds of multiple gunshots could evoke fear in some. The sound of a cell pho..read on

An Abel and Cain Re-Run.
I Stand With Israel! (although, I'm sure they won't even notice.) I suppose the rest of the world may think I'm just one stupid American, but I'd like to take the chance to make my case for all to see and hear. Yes, I stand wi..read on

An Open Letter to North Korea
As a peace loving American, I want to warn all the North Koreans: Hey, our nutty leader is even more Froggy than your nutty leader! So, everybody over there, watch out! (Froggy is U.S. slang for unpredictable, as in: one doesn’t know which way Fr..read on

Apotheosis of George Bush Jr. (Karl Rove\'s doing what?)
The Grand Old Party and rabid Rush Limbaugh fans still have a surprise up their sleeves. Unlike their ill-fated attempts to get Ronnie Reagan on Mount Rushmore, this secret mission amounts to an unexpected foray into a previously unexplored area: ..read on

Why SO FEW Americans Vote!
Every day, somebody, somewhere starts bitching about the reasons so many Americans, possibly the most privileged citizens in this world, don't vote! Herein lies one red-shoed explanation. To get a grasp on America's problem, it's useful to start w..read on

Circus L.A. (Hey, you think your town is strange?)
Welcome to Los Angeles, the weirdest show on Earth! Step right up...L.A.'s got what your looking for! We've got it all! Step right up, don't be shy! The big show's just about to begin! Step right up! The city of Los Angeles has a po..read on

My Daddy\'s rose garden
Easter has become a poignant time for me. I recall the Easters from my childhood. The always-scratchy dress, white patent leather shoes, the hat that would not stay on my head no matter how many bobby pins my Mother dug into my scalp..read on

How To Stop The War in 5 Hard Steps (A Preemptive Peace Attack!)
(If you want peace, read on. If you don’t want peace, then go away…Or go invade something…or go bomb somebody…just don’t read this.)If the doctrine of preemptive attack works in war, then maybe that same doctrine will work for peace! All those in fav..read on

The Cop and The Comic! (I married a cop...what was I thinking??)
We met on a cruise ship. No names please, but the ship was with a cruise line that rhymes with " Parnival! " We've all heard that old saw: "Love is like a bird in the hand, if you hold it too tight, you'll crush it! If you hold too loos..read on

Ephemera from Poor Lue…June \'06
John Donne said: “No man is an island, entire of itself…any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind…” I'm against the Death Penalty! So I propose each week, one of us gets to go visit Zacaria's jell cell, and fling por..read on

10 Most Irritating Things Women Do During Sex
I tried to ramp up for this list. Sadly, it wasn't too much of a stretch. Most men might agree with me, but not out loud. Women, God love ‘em, are the operative factor in continuing our species' dominance of the planet. So we can't get rid of them..read on

Poor Lue\'s Almanack April \'06 (The first part\'s true, the last part\'s Lue)
(Take time to smell the flowers, before we're drenched by May showers. Here's some ephemera from the stream of conciousness that will always represent our America. Keep your ears loose...Lue) Ah, it's the first days of spring, that's wh..read on

10 Reasons NOT to Trust Dubya!
Hey, President 'U'ber liar! Hey 43! Hey Dubya!Even most tele-marketers are more believeable than you! You've squandered the confidence and faith many may have had in you! What happened? Could you be possessed by the ghost of tricky Dick Nixon? Your..read on

CHILLIN\' WITH THE VETS!
I know a place that has more heroes per square inch than all the major league sports combined. I visit a West Coast Veterans Hospital. (Why I visit is none of your damn beeswax.) Emblazoned over the door is their motto: "SEE the cost..read on

He MADE Me Do It!
Since I’m not a surgeon with a scalpel, or a airline mechanic with a hangover, I think it’ll be OK if I share my little secret with you:  I  hear these tiny voices inside my head, and they tell me what to do!   It goes back to when..read on

Poor Lue’s Almanack January ‘06 (The first part is TRUE…the last part is LUE!)
“…He shall, from time to time, give to Our Nation information on the state of Funny and Laughter, and he shall recommend to their consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient…” March of the Penguins, begat ..read on

The Three Little Liberals - a cautionary fable about political views
Once upon a time, there were three little liberals. The time came for them to leave home, and go out and experience the world of politics. Before they left, they went to visit the oldest and wisest of all the liberals to seek his blessings. Th..read on

Herk and Jerk, The Saga of
(A story of a young, ill-fated comedy team. The names of these stand up comics involved here have been dramatically altered to protect those who were innocent…but in truth, I’m Jerk!) Once upon a time, in a land far away called Texas, there began ..read on

CSPAN Called ME!
CSPAN, the venerable watch keepers of America’s Congress, is celebrating the 25th anniversary of its flagship cable TV show: Washington Journal, on Friday, Oct. 7th with a 25-hour marathon extravaganza! Since its inception i..read on

GOD is FUNNY!
When you’re talking about God, it can be a difficult concept to grasp.Think about it. Whether it’s my God…or your God…or someone else’s God, whichever you want to picture, it’s gotta be TOUGH TO BE GOD! All right, for a moment, picture yourself as..read on

I Was a Teenage Ticket Scalper!
Many years ago, whilst still in my teens, I won 4 Bruce Springsteen tickets from the local FM radio station. I had a pal take me to the station to pick up my prize. Since I was in a cast to my hip, and on crutches, the trip to and from the parking..read on

EPHEMERA From POOR LUE August ‘05
It’s said that chickens still come home to roost, well - a bunch of little birdies (NO, not the kind that Vijay & Tiger shoot) came to tell me the latest news, which I relate to you here: From The International Flyways:Now in West Africa, Al Que..read on

Dear America
This is like a Dear Santa letter, except it’s addressed to Uncle Sam. I’m almost grown up now, so I understand Santa and Uncle Sam are mythic in nature, but I’m writing with a few questions, just in case. Dear America: I know you’re really busy wi..read on

AFTER
(Rudyard Kipling’s “ IF ” contemplates worldwide conflict) After your nation can keep its head, when most other countriesin our world are losing theirs, and blaming it on you, and yours,After your citizens get liberty, without taking anybody else’s;A..read on

My girlfriend is a ROBOT!
Yeah, you heard me, my girlfriend is a robot, and I’m a clone, so just get over it, OK? The only reason I’m telling you this is because we earthlings desperately need a whole lot more of her kind to help us to heal our wounds! As I have mentioned..read on

BEING DICK CHENEY
I crawled through a panel I’d discovered in the old house. It slanted to the right. I came upon a small room with a stool. For some reason, when I sat on the stool, I was seeing out of Dick Cheney’s eyes and hearing Dick Cheney’s thoughts. Oh horr..read on

Open Letter to The Iraqi People
Hi everybody! I realize that I’m just one solitary American but, SORRY about the whole invasion slash occupation thing. Our bad! While some in position decided war-wanted war, many Americans did not. Some of us wanted other solutions, like our ..read on

America’s Dirty Little Secrets!
We hear all the time about how great America is. That may be true, but let’s all admit America has made some mistakes too. Greatness is reached by acknowledging the path we’ve traveled to get there. As far as the countries that have dirty little secr..read on

The Little President that Cried WOLF!
Once upon a time, in a place not very far from here, there was a flock of sheep tended by a little president. His father had tended the flock some time before. His father told him the flock, if properly herded, would go exactly where it was inst..read on

The Little Donkey that COULD!
In a land, not much different than this one, lived a small donkey. This little donkey wanted more than anything to climb up the big hill. She had tried to climb the big hill many times, but for a whole list of silly reasons, the little donkey had ..read on

America LOVES Gridlock!
Warren G. Harding originated the phrase: “ founding fathers” in the 1920’s. Maybe these revered fountains of wisdom, who molded our country, wanted the wheels of our government to grind slowly, if only to minimize knee-jerk mistakes! We, the middl..read on

Notes From POOR LUE: May 2005
(Hunter S. Thompson ended gonzo journalism and his life recently. In tribute, I flew to Vegas on a friend’s credit card, checked into Caesar’s Palace, and then proceeded to gamble and drink and smoke as much as I could before passing out. I’d like..read on

Heaven’s Comedy Club
I know there’s such a thing as Comedy Heaven. Some say there’s a place between heaven and hell. In my own quirky way, I believe that this very place will turn out to be St Peter’s Comedy Club at the Pearly Gates. I envision a spot for all the pe..read on

How to Stay Hip! (Age 35 and over)
Hip is like being tall. You either are, or aren't! You don't have to take counter measures to stay tall, but staying hip, well, hey, that's another story. Here are ten tried and true tips that everybody over 35 can use to always stay hip. If you k..read on

Terri Schiavo dies after a decade of fights over her
Newsday.com has just reported that Terri Schiavo has died. There has been a decade of dissagreements over the question - does she have the right to die or not? Her parents wanted her to live. Her husband wanted to let her die as there wasn't really ..read on

Constitutional Treason!
Today, and maybe again next week, I am committing treason! I will, and I do encourage you also to: Violate the Constitution by PRAYING for our U.S. SUPREME COURT! Someone must challenge the legal sufficiency of evidence to ban prayer! Many religi..read on

The Night Nothing was Funny!
The pieces came careening at me like a cosmic puzzle. I hadn’t realized it yet, but I was walking into a stand-up comic’s nightmare!I had just come from the finest comedy club in America, The Comedy Caravan in Louisville, KY (Great money, six days..read on

Hate CAN’T CURE Hate!
(The Comic in Red Shoes wrestles with mankind’s heavyweight dilemmas) Resolved: It’s always been my judgment that others have a right to what they believe. By recognizing everyone can, and will believe anything they choose to, I’ve QUID PRO QUO-ED ..read on

Star signs (Astrology for unbelievers)
Who could possibly believe in astrology? Lue is my name and SATIRE is my game! Aries: Fire Child, prepare to be FIRED! Ever since you modulated your emphatic manner, it's working against you. When Mercury comes into play, your breath will improve..read on

Uncle Sam Meets Uncle Remus!
Oh gosh, all the rest of you countries, please don’t throw America in the briar patch, please! “Well, we’ve got you now," the disapproving nations (DN) said when it was able to catch its breath. “You dog-eared, bushy tailed bully! Guess who’s e..read on

A Tale of Two Tittys!
IT WAS the best of chests, it was the worst of chests, it was the age of love, it was the age of foolishness, it was a time of hope, it was the epoch of big cities, it was the epoch of Big Tittys, and now I was totally enthralled in a most magnifi..read on

Notes From Poor Lue, March, 2005
Nationalism is the world’s flu! Did you get your shot? So many absentee ballots from America were cast in the Iraqi election; The new Mayor of Mosul is now JEB BUSH. Syria is an ancient Arabic word that means NEXT! You go to war with the LIE..read on

I Am a NEO-Liberal!
I could never be a Republican. I could never be a Democrat either. I saw the horses butts who are Independents, and I realized that I was fast becoming a NEO-LIBERAL! I’ve never really cared about politics. Except, I hate Richard Nixon. I guess ..read on

An Open Letter to Gov. Beefcake
Dear Herr Schwartzenegger: I know, as the new Burger-Miester of Callyfornia, you must be busy. But, I have a few requests to make of you. Our great state is referred to as The Land of Fruits and Nuts, and since that silly Gray Davis got punted, yo..read on

DOGCATCHER
I know this comes as a surprise, but I’m running for dogcatcher! The dogs I want to catch are not of the canine variety - the dogs I want to catch are human. DNA science proves that humans have 99.99% similar characteristics. Our differences ar..read on

BLUE Vision
I gots the brain damages. Since I was twenty-five, I’ve taken more than thirty blows to the cranial area of my poor, punkin’ head. I gots the brain damages! Remarkably though, I do get the strangest ideas. I wonder if there’s a connection? It’s n..read on

How to GET Happy!!
HI, I'm Endorphin Man! (tant-da-tadaa) I've invited you here to make you happy! Thanks for coming. Today's lesson is: " How to make yourself happy, in four easy Steps ." If you buy the premise, you buy the bit. Don't you want to be happy? You reme..read on

Goodbye Mr. Carson!
In World War Two, a Dear John letter meant someone was getting kissed off. This is not that kind of letter, but it is a Dear John letter, and someone is getting kissed off. Other than that, it’s not that kind of letter. Today, when I woke up, I hea..read on

IF I Were King...
We’ve all thought it. Thinking about it doesn’t do any harm. I’m not sure about you, but I’d make a whole lot of changes. Oh, the changes you and I would make, if only, we were King of the World! Now, don’t get hinky on me. I’ve thought it out. As..read on

Ode to Generation E
If you’re 18 to 35 years old, WORD UP! By your terms, I may be an old geezer now, but I’d like to show you five ways to beat 'The Man.' My only proviso: After you see this, wait 72 hours before you decide if this is a load of crap! Is it a deal, yo..read on

WARTS AND ALL!
Welcome to America, where the idiot son of a former owner, is now running the place! Everyone in the world can’t live in America, but America can live with everyone in the world. If you happen to live in a country where you can’t criticize your p..read on

I AM A CLONE!
OK, I admit it I’m a clone! And my girlfriend is a robot! Get over it! I know there’s some silly Primordial Directive against me revealing this, but again, get over it! I’m telling you now because mankind is at a vital crossroads in it’s developme..read on

LICENSE TO SMOKE!
It’s rumored (by me mostly) that pot prisoners are being detained with terrorists in Camp X-ray, Cuba! It’s also been said (again mostly by moi) many joint aficionados are being detained in Roswell, New Mexico without benefit of a lawyer. There, but ..read on

Stopping Idiocy!
In the course of human events, it has become necessary for one people to dissolve the bonds that restrain each from saying, "Stop that!" I may have a lot of gall, but I hereby do accuse those addressed within this list and declare, "STOP THAT!" Al..read on

Grandpa’s Promise
10,000 miles from his home, I wept and saluted his grave. Even though I never knew my Grandpa, I’ve always struggled with the hole he left in my mother’s life. Now, on this windy bluff, overlooking Manila Bay, I wanted some answers from Major Van Fr..read on

IS Money GOD?
I knelt, then genuflected before the hallowed altar. I stood up, smiled and inserted my ATM card! I confessed my PIN! It graced me with several twenties! The Fount, from which blessings flow, had sent me on my merry way with freedoms and liberties..read on

New Sheriff in Town!
Worlds policeman? Clump-ching, clump-ching, clump-ching, clump-ching, ching-ching! (We hear the sounds of boots with both spurs jangling coming right up to us) Evenin Mam, (tips cowboy hat) Evenin everybody! Its time you should realize, and all ya..read on

SANTA LIVES!
Having spent time with elves and St. Patricks Day leprechauns, its not a humongous leap for me to believe in Santa Claus. In the interest of full disclosure, I freely admit that over the years, I have debated and entertained concepts like: the Tooth ..read on

BEHIND YOUR LAUGH
  Its a sound that shows fun And a price that was paid For so many times That plans have been made! Your laugh is a string, Straight to your soul. To tell how you feel, If that's your goal! I know that laugh, It makes me smile It says what you..read on

SEX MATTERS!
With the cornucopia of personal information available today, sex matters! Sex matters because it touches every human life on earth. Some people are touched by sex more than others. The lucky bastards! When was the last time you had some sex? We al..read on

AMERICA IS OK!
Hi everybody! steady steady!! Relax. Please, I want to thank you for taking a moment to listen to this new idea. I've looked around. I've checked as many facts as I could verify. All the data, plus this overriding feeling I sense in most of the pe..read on

Theres NO business, like dough business!
OK, we've all heard it before: Capitalism begets freedom, freedom brings choices, choices help make happiness. Following that logic, business is the engine of that warm, happy feeling you get when you finally buy that thing that you don't really need..read on

WANNA VOTE FOR U.S. PRESIDENT?
My American government doesnt want me to vote. My first votes were for Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter, and Ive felt badly about it ever since. These days, when I do vote, its usually just to spite them. Its occurred to me that many others might f..read on

I love the smell of freshly cut grass.
I love the smell of freshly cut grass. It doesnt matter if its from a baseball diamond, football field, golf course, or Willie Nelsons hookah. If you love sports like I do, this is the best time of the year! Baseball playoffs and The World Series are..read on

Take your best shot!
These are the times that fry mens souls. Political invective has reached Mount Saint Helens' proportions! We can expect a new type of Reality TV show featuring public relation reps doing the attack dog thing for each camp. As the candidates rehearse,..read on

IT comes with the turf!
I don't suffer whiners easily! There are certain things that come with the turf you inhabit! I'm a comedian, and most people won't take me seriously. Now, in the realm of laughs, This is NOT a bad thing, but try the feeling on for size when y..read on

Who do you trust?
Four score and some days less, we Americans get to exercise our most cherished possession: The rights of self-determination: We get to vote! Forget those in this world that dont have this opportunity, or those that wont vote; they will both have to f..read on




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