Chuck Scott is a writer, humorist and university administrator in Chicago. We are not aware of him having any particular awards or obvious talent, but he seems like a nice enough guy.
Tiny Bubbles, In the Wine...Ah, Screw It President Obama, Now What?
Opening a good bottle of wine can be a thrilling experience, or so I'm told. Most of my drinking time is spent swilling subpar varieties of beer and/or whiskey, so Iím afraid the subject of wine is a little outside my tiny realm of knowledge.
Coming from a blue collar background doesnít do a lot cultivate your appr... continue reading
Who cares how it happened, thatís one cool way to die!
I like Obama. Iím a little ashamed to admit it, but one of the reasons I like him is the big ears. Having oversized ears myself, I guess I just naturally feel a kinship with the man.
In fact, compared to me, Barackís ears are rather insubstantial; itís not so much the size of his ears, as it is the protrusion from ... continue reading
In Trust I Trust
I like the idea of death. Without it, we'd all be a lot worse off. It's like a giant eraser cleaning off a portion of the worldís slate ever day, making room for new drawings and words. Everybody's going to die; no free passes, no buying your way out of itÖrich, poor, fat, thin, attractive, ugly, black, white, religiou... continue reading
The Weighting is the Hardest Part--The Fallout
Iím also counting on medical science to mix up some stem cells in a Petri dish and start creating replacement organs in time to replenish my own decaying pumps and filters. So, barring nuclear Armageddon, a freak bus accident or artificial sweeteners giving me cancer, I plan to be right here with a bottle of Viagra in ... continue reading
Ipod, You Pod, We All Pod for Ipod
Most bets are stupid. I once bet a guy $100 that some time, somewhere a major league baseball team had come back to win a game after being down more than seven runs in the bottom of the ninth inning with two outs. Did I lose the bet? No. Did I win the bet? No. It seems even with the World Wide Web at our disposal, we c... continue reading
A Mother of a Holiday
Thank you Jesus for creating nerds. And when I say "nerds", I mean it in the most flattering wayÖhell, the only thing keeping me from being a nerd is the lack of both usable knowledge and a good paying job, so believe me, I donít mean it as an insult.
Iíve always been slow to embrace technology. In fact, I still do... continue reading
A Dog's Life
Some people donít sweat the small stuff, Iíve opted to go them one better and not sweat any stuff, be it big, small, medium, or any size in between. I like to think of it as a "philosophy", but itís really just pure unadulterated laziness. It was this very laziness that left me high and dry a few Motherís Days back.
... continue reading
The Weighting is the Hardest Part
Of course, he won my wife over right away, but sheís a pushover for anything on four legs. You could bring a wild dingo into the house, turn it lose on a path of destruction, and her only comment would involve how cute he looked pissing on the drapes. But Iím a little more critical of animals that come to live with us;... continue reading
I entered into this pact with two of my long time friends from high school. It may not seem like something that would be indicative of aging, but what self-respecting young man would engage in such a spectacle? For one thing, when youíre in your twenties or early thirties, itís probably difficult to locate two or three... continue reading
Erin Go Drinking
Sixty-four teams go in, only one comes out, itís the finest spectacle in all of organized sports. Sure, there are probably those that would like to debate me on that proclamation, and to those poor misguided souls I say, throw $20 into an office pool, fill out those brackets and then strap yourself into the three-week ... continue reading
Last week some lucky son of a bitch won $275 million dollars in a multi-state lottery
Drinking on St. Patrickís Day is a little like having sex on Valentineís Day; itís clichť and it seldom lives up to your expectations. Much like sex, the best drinking experiences are never organized efforts; they usually happen on a Tuesday when youíre just stopping at the bar to pay your friend that $20 you owe him. ... continue reading
Welcome to the Land of the Ice and Snow
Itís not just right, itís a thing of beauty. Where else can you slap down four quarters, while picking up your weekly 30 pack of Schlitz and walk away with $100 million dollars. That is what this 47-year-old iron worker and his wife will get after taxes by opting to take the one time pay out, although I'm sure there is... continue reading
Itís probably unlikely the owners would even care, with their vehicles gone, they wonít have to venture out into the frigid conditions, hell, theyíd probably wave at you from the window and wish you hearty bon voyage.
Itís not just cold; itís Siberia cold. Itís so cold, Hillary Clintonís personality comes off as warm... continue reading
Between a Rock and a Heart Place
Iíve hit many potholes in my life, but none of those previous experiences could have prepared me for my most recent encounter. I was driving my usual route home from work, I would like to say I was minding my own business, but in truth, I was somewhat attending to my business, while vocally criticizing the business of ... continue reading
Where There's No Smoke, There's Ire
I guess it all started when Chaucer penned the poem Parliament of Foules in 1382 to honor the first anniversary of King Richard II and Anne of Bohemia. Iím not sure what "Foules" means, but I think it can be loosely translated to "Richie has to buy gifts to keep getting lucky with Mrs. Bohemia".
The potentially erron... continue reading
Two Tickets to Paradise
I just figured Chicago would get special dispensation, kind of like the Pope allowing corned beef consumption when St. Patrickís Day falls on a Friday. In the immortal words of the late Alderman Paddy Bauler, "Chicago ainít ready for reform."
I can understand New York or London falling into this abyss of political ... continue reading
It all started on a Tuesday morning last October. I was driving to work in the wee hours of the morning, actually, it was 8:08am, I have proof, or one might say "evidence" of this fact. I was employing my usual "creative" method of driving, those with an untrained eye might interpret it as "reckless", but this is Sou... continue reading
Let It Snow, Let Them Throw, Let it Go
I didnít even care how I contributed to producing its magical, glowing warmth; I just wanted to be a part of it on some level. So itís all the more surprising that as an adult, I seldom find the time to squeeze it into my schedule, although a big part of this has to do with me not having cable TV.
I realize that be... continue reading
My first thought was the usual angry, "what the hell?", then I hit the brakes.
I donít really mind getting snowballed; it happens to me a couple of times every winter. When I was younger, it might have evoked some kind of violent reaction and perhaps a creative driving maneuver or two, but Iím pretty much passed that... continue reading