Jesus' Answering Machine
Machine: Hey, it’s Jesus. You know what to do. *beep*
Hey Jesus, it’s Moses. Are we still playing racquet ball on Saturday? You haven’t called me so I wasn’t sure. Hey whatever happened to your old message? It was funny. I liked that. Anyway, get back to me. *beep*
Jesus? Is this you? This is your mother. Are you screening? Jesus? I know you’re home. I just talked to Abraham and he said he just saw you at your house an hour ago. Anyway the Sampsons want to have dinner on Saturday. And you’re going to make it this time. No ‘I have to visit a sick kid i...continue reading
more
Drugged Out Saturday Nights
7.Dec 2007
On Saturday night I spent a good deal of time smoking dope and playing Guitar H...read
Muslim Decapitation: Bad, or Simply Misunderstood?
6.Dec 2007
Why do we jump to conclusions and assume that Islamo-Fascist decapitation of Am...read
You Might be a Yankee If...
6.Dec 2007
There've been hard feelings between Northerners and Southerners since 1861. Muc...read
26 Ways To Repair America's Image!
6.Dec 2007
Let's face it, as far as America's popularity around the globe goes, we're not ...read
My Farked Up Life: Prisoner of The Cheers
6.Dec 2007
I’m being kept in chains inside the cyber castle of The Cheers magazine. My edi...read
' People Voting With their Feet! '
5.Dec 2007
(Resistance is Futile!)
DNA scientists have pretty much proven humans first migrated out of Africa, and split in two basic groups. The first slowly "lumbarred" to Euro-Asia, the second ambitious bunch headed for what would turn ...read
From First to Worst!
5.Dec 2007
(A critique on The USA’s slide in worldwide popularity!)
Gosh, it seems like just a few years ago Uncle Sam, America, and most of its people were hot! Damned hot! We all felt lots better about ourselves when we were,...read
Huddled Around Some Laughs!
5.Dec 2007
This article is dedicated to much beloved bald guy: Tom Sobel! Get well soon bu...read
A Drink with the Candidates!
4.Dec 2007
Standing at the bar watching them are a balding New Yorker, a Mormon, some Huck...read
How to change the world, one person at a time!
4.Dec 2007
(Or: Why should I say thanks?) (Or: Just sit your xenophobic butt down, and lis...read
Get off My President’s Back!
4.Dec 2007
Hey world, calm down some! Gosh, golly, gee, if we're all so terrible just put ...read
Ephemera From Poor Lue!
4.Dec 2007
Atheism is on a definite decline worldwide . . . thank God!
In this month in 1902, the vacuum cleaner was invented! Some pessimists say: "Ever since then . . . Life sucks!"
(Seeing the massive religious celebrati...read
Save Earth and Laugh Now!
4.Dec 2007
(The galaxy needs comics!)
Turns out, The Confederation of Planets won't admit Earth until we've attained certain levels of science, sensitivity, and nonviolence! Informed of this data, a select group of future thinkers have been plan...read
The Legendary Feel-Good Machine
4.Dec 2007
Here's my challenge: If you're not happy and want to be so, or if you're happy ...read
When what was right, was wrong!
4.Dec 2007
I've made some mistakes in my life. Some real doozies! And you, kind reader, un...read
'Declare a REAL War...Or Get OFF the Pot!'
4.Dec 2007
(Inside Nancy Pelosi's head!)
Most of us have dreams. Some of us even remember those dreams. Do you remember your dreams? I do. I dreamed I was inside Nancy Pelosi’s head. Is that weird, or what? Maybe I was getting ...read
‘…and Uncle Sam cried!’ (A parade of heroes)
4.Dec 2007
(A parade of heroes)
There's a local legend in Washington, D.C. It's rumored that some nights there are strange goings on at the National Mall. For those who are there to behold (and believe), ghosts still ...read
Iraqis should vote U.S. Military In or Out!
3.Dec 2007
OK, so America did well at nation building with South Korea, Japan, and Germany...read
Poor Lue's Almanack Feb. 2007
3.Dec 2007
A compendium of information, entertainment and some words to the wise. The firs...read
What I know that you don’t!
3.Dec 2007
(This will be short!)
Scolding amateur comedians is a gas! As I traveled in my own standup career, often I've been asked to help and coach some inexperienced comedy performers. If these wayward souls could be helped, mostly I tried t...read
The Lie That Broke The Camel's Back!
3.Dec 2007
(Our 43rd president proves himself to be The Fibber-in-Chief!)
Fool us once, shame on you! Fool us twice, shame on us! Fool us five times, shame on all of us for still believing we can trust you. Oh, my President: Where forth a...read
To Tickle...Or NOT To Tickle!
3.Dec 2007
That’s my question! Do you hate to be tickled? Some people do. I am not one of...read
The Comics NO ONE Remembers
3.Dec 2007
After a good night at a comedy show, isn’t it amazing how hard you laughed then...read
Cheer Up America!
3.Dec 2007
Gosh, with all the holiday blues going around, and with all of Uncle Sam's woes...read
Laughin' with The Troops!
3.Dec 2007
From Subic Bay in the Philippines, to a 2,000 seat arena on the Island of Diego...read
Wanna' Trade Your Citizenship For Mine?
3.Dec 2007
Wanna' Trade Your Citizenship For Mine? (Walk A Mile in My Red Shoes!) If you a...read
The Last HONEST Booking Agent (They're disappearing at an alarming rate!)
3.Dec 2007
When one prostitutes oneself for laughs, i.e. taking money to perform in a plet...read
AMNESTY For Junior Bush!
3.Dec 2007
Here’s an idea whose time may have come: Like the Christmas commercials running...read
HELL'S CRUISE SHIP!
1.Dec 2007
If you can force your Freud, Jung, and Dr. Phil back in their closets for a mom...read
My 100 Best Jokes from 2006!
1.Dec 2007
With three hundred and sixty one days gone from 2006, it may be a good idea to ...read
Democrat's Pre-Nuptial Contract!
1.Dec 2007
Democrats need the strongest
effort in history to regain control of Congress. I believe their leaders need a framework to
attract the huge number of voters needed.
Something with a real catchy name. So, watch out America, here
...read
Jokes or Attitude?
1.Dec 2007
When you are laughing with a stand-up comedian, it may not make much difference...read
We Shoulda Known About Ex-Congressman Foley!
1.Dec 2007
Our American politics do make for strange bedfellows.
And then, they feel the need to cover it all up! It's time for a change! Here's
my Top Ten list of reasons WHY we all shoulda known about Mark Foley:
read
Gov. Beefcake Rides Again!
1.Dec 2007
The immigration problem in California is so bad, we've had to hire a temporary ...read
Lunatics at The UN
1.Dec 2007
When England’s Prime Minister returned from his meeting with Hitler, Chamberlai...read
Poor Lue’s Almanack 09/06
1.Dec 2007
As 2006 ebbs into it's fourth quarter, its time for a
Hail Mary!
Or maybe a Bloody Mary. Hang on tightly, 2007 is coming
fast!
Here's some of my recent thoughts about this crazy world: read
The Evolution of a NEO-CON! ......or Please Come Back William F. Buckley, You Weren't THAT Bad!
1.Dec 2007
It's time to realize wackos escaped from the booby hatch are advising the C stu...read
Why America laughs (so much!)
1.Dec 2007
(From A to Z)
America
pursues the art and act of laughing, sometimes relentlessly. The
motivations that make one laugh are numerous and varied. Have you ever
wondered why some laugh at one thing, and others do not? (As a topic...read
Attack and Jail ALL Ventriloquists!
1.Dec 2007
(A recently de-classified document)
An unseen hand, with insidious intent, is invading us!
You may not feel threatened now, but numerous two-headed monsters are currently
undermining our way of life.
read
The Sounds of Freedom
1.Dec 2007
There's one sound that represents freedom in America more than anything else to...read
An Abel and Cain Re-Run.
30.Nov 2007
I
Stand With Israel!
(although, I'm sure they won't even notice.)
I
suppose the rest of the world may think I'm just one stupid American, but I'd
like to take the chance to make my case fo...read
An Open Letter to North Korea
30.Nov 2007
As a
peace loving American, I want to warn all the North Koreans: Hey, our nutty
leader is even more Froggy than your nutty leader! So, everybody over
there, watch out! (Froggy is U.S.
slang for unpredictable, as in: one doesn’...read
Apotheosis of George Bush Jr. (Karl Rove's doing what?)
30.Nov 2007
The Grand Old Party and rabid Rush Limbaugh fans still have a surprise up their...read
Why SO FEW Americans Vote!
30.Nov 2007
Everyday, somebody, somewhere starts bitching about the reasons so many America...read
Circus L.A. (Hey, you think your town is strange?)
30.Nov 2007
Welcome to Los Angeles, the weirdest show on Earth! Step right up...L.A.'s got ...read
|
more
Circus L.A. (Hey, you think your town is strange?)
Welcome to Los Angeles, the weirdest show on Earth! Step right up...L.A.'s got what your looking for! We've got it all! Step right up, don't be shy! The big show's just about to begin! Step right up!
How To Stop The War in 5 Hard Steps (A Preemptive Peace Attack!)
(If you want peace, read on. If you don’t want peace, then go away…Or go invade something…or go bomb somebody…just don’t read this.)
The Cop and The Comic! (I married a cop...what was I thinking??)
We met on a cruise ship. No names please, but the ship was with a cruise line that rhymes with " Parnival! "
Ephemera from Poor Lue…June '06
John Donne said: “No man is an island, entire of itself…any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind…”
10 Most Irritating Things Women Do During Sex
I tried to ramp up for this list. Sadly, it wasn’t too much of a stretch. Most men might agree with me, but not out loud.
Poor Lue's Almanack April '06 (The first part's true, the last part's Lue)
(Take time to smell the flowers, before we're drenched by May showers. Here's some ephemera from the stream of conciousness that will always represent our America. Keep your ears loose...Lue)
We’re all aliens, I’ve got the proof!
Has anyone had any green alien sex? William Shatner claims he hasn’t, even though we have all seen him on Star Trek doing that thing. My buddy George here claims the same, he says that it was nothing but a grown up dog. Well, when he told me that I secretly wished it would have been an alien, at least it would sound sexy not like throw-up-if-ya-want. I did, and explained it with something I had eaten the week before.
Theme Park
After revamping the look and feel of the magazine, it's time to take it to the next step. All aboard!
An Open Letter to Gov. Beefcake
An Open Letter to Gov. Beefcake
Love Under the Big Top
When you are working as an entertainer, especially with a circus or other traveling show you are bound to hook up romantically with another performer once in awhile. Sometimes the only people you can even find to talk to are the folks in your production and you have no choice but to date another person in the biz.
The Folly of Valentines Day
I won’t lie to you. I am not the best husband in the world. I am not the greatest guy around. I am extremely selfish and flawed.
Goodbye Mr. Carson!
In World War Two, a Dear John letter meant someone was getting kissed off. This is not that kind of letter, but it is a Dear John letter, and someone is getting kissed off. Other than that, it’s not that kind of letter. Today, when I woke up, I heard Johnny Carson had died. The Golden Age of Comedy has definitely ended!
Opus IV: A New Hope
You thought I forgot about you, didn’t you? You’ve been sitting in your fancy office reaping the benefits of another well-read cartoon strip. The sales are piling up and the checks from another best-selling compilation of your cartoons are pouring in once again. All this has gone on without a single peep from old Andy Martello. You have been living quite the happy-go-lucky and care-free existence these days, haven’t you, Berkeley Breathed?
THE JAE JOURNAL
Hello everyone. Welcome to the journal. This week I want to tell you about a little piece of my vacation. This occurred when we went to see the Price is Right being taped live before our eyes.
Today I found out I’m gay
Yesterday I went to a club with some good friends. We had some beers, lots of laughs, talks about my really long nipples and by the end of the night I found out I was gay, as was my friend.
The GRY Riddle
At a friend’s house over the weekend, I was presented with a riddle. Normally, I am a fan of riddles and brain teasers. In the age of the internet, a person can send out a fun riddle to all of their friends at once. Over the years, a lot of my friends have felt the need to pass these on to me, usually including the advice to “Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody’s watching.” The only problem I have with this phrase is that I wouldn’t work very hard if I didn’t need the money, and people make fun of me every time I dance. I’ve been told that I look like a drunk, spastic stripper looking for her pole and some self-esteem. What can I say? I have really supportive and nonjudgmental friends.
250 Versions of WHAT?
Every man needs a hobby. My wife says all men need to putter. I’ve never given much credence to the hobby as a necessity but I am not without my time-wasters.
I AM A CLONE!
OK, I admit it I’m a clone! And my girl friend is a robot! Get over it! I know there’s some silly Primordial Directive against me revealing this, but again, get over it! I’m telling you now because mankind is at a vital crossroads in it’s development, and Hey Earthlings: You’re blowing it!
Booby's: The Christmas Miracle!
Every family has their own set of traditions during the holidays. Some are long-standing rites of passage filled with meaning and sentiment. Others are just good silly fun. Around here we are not without our fair share of Christmas traditions.
THE JAE JOURNAL
Hello and Merry Christmas to all. I really have nothing to say for Christmas except for this…
Technology can byte my arse
The technological age is upon us and the manufacturers of electronics are mastering the art of this engineering science. Hardly a day goes by that an electronic gadget doesn’t simplify or enhance a person’s life in some way. ATM machines have sped up the banking experience, cell phones have helped in times of emergencies, computers aid in obtaining information, and the list goes on. One day these marvellous gizmos will know what you need before you do.
Bah Humbug
Christmas season is a wonderful time - a time when houses are being decorated with beautiful lights and are warmed by ovens which churn out delightfully baked goods. Televisions are tuned to holiday specials while the phone is kept busy making long distance calls to relatives. Children giggle with excitement as they speak of the fabled old elf and his bag of goodies. They press their noses against the window hoping to catch a glimpse of the jolly fat man and his magical sleigh. Christmas, according to children, never comes soon enough and never lasts long enough. Everything is right with the world...
Stopping Idiocy!
In the course of human events, it has become necessary for one people to dissolve the bonds that restrain each from saying, “Stop that!” I may have a lot of gall, but I hereby do accuse those addressed within this list and declare, “STOP THAT!”
Robbery Suspect: Old Fat Man in a Red Suit
Not too long ago I told you a few reasons why I no longer take bookings as Santa Claus and I promised to reveal more as we came closer to Christmas. Well kids, I’m about to make good on my promise.
Hot news: Naked burning shemale flew out the window
TIMBUKTU, Dec 13th - Last night a car bomb exploded in front of the Timbuktu embassy in Chikata Rabula neighbourhood. No survivors, just meat. That's how this story could start. However, as journalists we can't always be glad enough to find real selling stories. But man has to do what man has to do. And when the magazine space needs filling, we will even tell you about the non-celebrity freak gossip. The following is one of them. Based on a true story. Of course. When before have journalists lied?
THE JAE JOURNAL December 20, 2004
Welcome to the Journal. Today we look at the 10 most fascinating people according to the little world of Barbara Walters and bring it down to the common level. I do believe that Ms. Walters is in no place to make these kinds of judgments on people since she is retiring. Therefore, I think I should take over the job. So here we go.
Another kodak moment
I was never going to be one of 'those' kind of parents.
North Pole? Bad Parents Make Santa Live in HELL!
As yet another Thanksgiving holiday arrives this week I find that I am becoming one of those people who marvels at how quickly the passage of time occurs.
New Sheriff in Town!
Clump-ching, clump-ching, clump-ching, clump-ching, ching-ching! (We hear the sounds of boots with both spurs jangling coming right up to us) Evenin Mam, (tips cowboy hat) Evenin everybody! Its time you should realize, and all yall should spread the word, theres a new SHERIFF in town! (If I could get the whole world to watch one movie that is the scene to include!)
SANTA LIVES!
Having spent time with elves and St. Patricks Day leprechauns, its not a humongous leap for me to believe in Santa Claus! In the interest of full disclosure, I freely admit that over the years, I have debated and entertained concepts like: The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, and the grassy knoll! OK, I admit Ive waited in several pumpkin patches for something that didnt happen at all, and I have been taken on a Snipe Hunt! Once! What can I say? In my time, Ive even dallied with an imaginary friend or three, but which of us hasnt? Except for that crazy Siim guy in Estonia!
The State of the Union, Undressed.
More than just a recent trend, more than some abstract that applies to certain cultures or religious traditions, monogamy, it seems, is on the outs with the American people.
SEX MATTERS!
With the cornucopia of personal information available today, sex matters! Sex matters because it touches every human life on earth. Some people are touched by sex more than others. The lucky bastards! When was the last time you had some sex? We all remember that last time. Well, most of us do! Homo sapiens favorite pastime offers up some of its cute quirks in little jabs this week:
Bush to embark on new 'War on Death' after election
After further generalizing of his "big picture" and his convictions, Bush altered his campaign theme of "War on Terrorism" to a much more general and more appealing theme of "War on Death".
AMERICA IS OK!
Hi everybody!steadysteady!! Relax. Please, I want to thank you for taking a moment to listen to this new idea. Ive looked around. Ive checked as many facts as I could verify. All the data, plus this overriding feeling I sense in most of the people I see, leads me to just one, very simple conclusion: AMERICA IS OK!
Who Will Get MY Vote?
Most of the real issues that concern American citizens, no matter how
common or important, will never be sexy enough to catch the headlines.
I may as well give you my wish list of issues I want to see politicians
discuss. These will ...
WANNA VOTE FOR U.S. PRESIDENT?
My American government doesnt want me to vote. My first votes were for Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter! Ive felt bad about it ever since. These days, when I do vote, its usually just to spite them. Its occurred to me, many others might feel the same way. Our politicians quote our founding fathers often as advocating the exporting democracy! Following the example of any U.S. politician is a slippery slope at best, so I do so quite guardedly! (lol) Hey, I want to export some of that democracy stuff myself!
Socially Responsible BOOBIES!
Recently we had a request made of us here at The Cheers: write an
article about, and I quote, BOOBIES! Let me reprint the request made at
our bulletin board forums, The Bar.JeannettaBoobiesI
think someone should write an article about...
Light Of The Quasar: A Crash Course on Porn Films
Let me be honest straight-out-the-gate here: I've seen a lot of porn. There
I said it...am I ashamed of that fact? Nope. Here's why. Porn films are
more than just fake boobs, generally bad acting/scripts/production
values, coke habits...
DOLPH LUNDGREN FOR LUNCH
I ran into a friend of mine the other day. We started discussing what we had for lunch."What did you have for lunch?" asked my friend."I didn't have much time for lunch, so I just ran into Taco Bell and got 3 soft tacos, a burrito and some pintos an...
Ravings of a Lunatic
People I can do without:1. People who say Have a nice day after they mug you.2. Stupid people who think they're smart.3. People who use phrases like The Michael Jordan's or the Reggie Miller's of the world.4. People who say Fuck every other word in a ...
IT comes with the turf!
There are certain things that come with the turf you inhabit! Im a comedian, and most people wont take me seriously. Now, in the realm of laughs, This is NOT a bad thing, but try the feeling on for size when youre asking about a bank loan, or trying to register your car. Most of the time, all I can do is grin and bear it.
The Memo
We moved to the suburbs recently. One of those brand-new McMansioned, cul-de-sac'd, dropped-in-the-center-of-a-cornfield suburbs.
DARK HUMOR: Advice for Young Anorexics and Bulimics by Dr. Tina Dupres
Dr. Tina Dupres is best known for her expertise in the areas of anorexia and bulimia, especially in teens. She has written three books on the subject, 1997s The Fat Girl in the Mirror: A Study of Anorexia and Bulimia and 2001s Wasting Away: Real Issues of Anorexia and Bulimia in Teenagers. Her newest, and perhaps most controversial book, Anorexia and Bulimia: A Practical How-To Guide for Teens will be released in early 2005. For more information, go to www.doctordupres.com.
"This Land"
This article owes its idea to the creators of the animated political cartoon, This Land, which you can see at JibJab.com. In
the three debates that are supposed to take place before election day,
November 2, (and which debates the RNC would ...
My Farked Up Life!
A really crazy story with no point and lots of nonsense.
A Jesus and a Queen and a Hip-Hop Scene
Hip-hop isnt something that springs to mind when most people think of Britain. In fact to some outsiders it is perhaps puzzling as to how we manage to stir up the panache to really attack a mic, what with our preoccupation for tea drinking, stiff-upper-lipped-ness and a yearning desire for some world class dentistry to bless our wretched mouths. The Queen certainly despises the genre. How do I know this?
September Writing Prompts
I am fairly oblivious to the many disturbing things a person must endure as a student of the writing craft. Thankfully Ive been fortunate enough to have both a wealth of things to write about AND a place willing to publish them. However after receiving a recent e-mail I count my blessings even more.
Ten Reasons Why Conservatives Love George W. Bush
A satirical and humorous look at the man conservatives dub one of the greatest chief executives to occupy the White House
Fun With Ego-Surfing
Useless websites seem to flourish online. There are sites about
anything in the world and there sites about absolutely nothing in the
world. Really. Check out www.nothing.com if you dont believe me. I'd
send you to www.wholelottanothi...
The Sum Of All Fears
The other day whilst observing my two-year old sister running terrified from a large balloon that was bouncing playfully along the carpet toward her, it occurred to me that the whole concept of fears and phobias really is quite bizarre. Are they inherent? Or are they triggered by something? The thing that tends to intrigue about them is that they are often irrational. If you think about it, logically all kids should be scared to death of Father Christmas, or Santa if youd prefer. He drinks. He practically breaks into peoples houses. He likes the sensation of having kids on his lap, not to mentioning watching them while they sleep. He dresses in all red like some sort of overweight demon, and surely the fact that Santa is an anagram of Satan points to sinister forces at work. If thats not enough to provoke fear I dont know what is. But thats fear for you, often irrational.
The Price is WRONG!
As an entertainer I encounter performers most everywhere I go. Clowns are a strange group, which Im sure you can surmise.
Light Of The Quasar: Comic Books Are Not Just For Kids!
I've collected and been interested in comic books since I was ten or
eleven years old, maybe even younger. This not only led to me being one
of the best readers at my school, but taught me much about the rest of
the world. I didnt jus...
The Ten Commandments According to Bill Bennett
A re-writing of the 10 Commandments Bill Bennett style following his revelations that he has a "gambling problem" This article was orignally printed in The Door. September/April 2003, reprinted in Glossy News.com, April 2, 2004
Bush's Credo: Words To Live By
This short parody originally appeared in The Door. March/April 2001, reprinted in Glossy News. May 16, 2004
|
|
