In a culture where infant mortality is outrageously high and the
average woman has fifteen children, most of whom do not survive,
polygamy has been practiced to not only show a mans wealth, but also to
assure the continuation of the mans family. It is also considered a
strong indicator of a mans virility and need for sexual satisfaction.
Men
can also accumulate wives as a result of inheritance. If a mans brother
dies, he would take over the family of his brother, including his
wives. These women would be distributed among the surviving brothers,
based on the preferences of the men and the widows of their brother. It
is also common for a man to take the youngest wife of his father upon
his death, and a father will take the wife of his son upon the death of
his child. This keeps the extended family together and guarantees that
the children of the family are raised within the fathers family.
In
the common African community, life is hard and women have long seen the
advantages of having co-wives to help share the burden. This allowed a
division of labor, in which there were more women to build the family
home, which is considered a female responsibility, and other work. It
also eased the burden of child bearing, as each wife was not carrying
the burden of the family procreation alone. Few women wanted to be a
lone wife in a marriage, given the multiple burdens society and
tradition would require of her.
Women, also being in the
position of being held responsible for the sex of their children,
risked being returned to their parents for not producing children of
the sex desired by their husband. Therefore, women were far more secure
in a polygamous marriage where there was less attention on a single
woman and the sex of her children. Being returned in disgrace to ones
family not only was an embarrassment to her and her parents, but it was
also a hardship as the bride price paid to her family had to be repaid.
Women
are also responsible for weeding the family food garden, and due to the
large size of these gardens, it was not a job for one wife. By
tradition, the husband will invite friends and clan members to assist
with this chore, so women do not only have help weeding their family
garden, but are also obligated to help the women who help them. As this
family chore is considered "womans work," there is no thought of hiring
outside labor to accomplish this task.
Despite the dependence of
the wifes on each other to accomplish the burden of work and child
bearing, there is always unavoidable conflict. A man showing preference
for one woman over another, showing more love or favoring her children,
would result in jealousies, although actual fighting is very rare.
Fighting could result in the demand of the bride price being returned
from the offenders family, which could be devastating to her family as
the cost to them could be as much as 20 head of cattle, sheep, goats,
and chickens. Because the bride price received for a young woman would
enable her brothers to pay a bride price for his own wife, it could be
very difficult to repay the price paid. This often results in the women
finding a way to stay in the marriage without altercations.
In
order to reduce conflict, the man often will rotate his nights among
his wives, sleeping in each ones house in turn. When purchasing
clothes, the same quality and style would be purchased for each, as
would be done for their children. Unfortunately, this does not prevent
the wives from instigating problems among the children.
Fortunately,
this way of traditional marriage is declining, and victims of this
in-fighting among the children of polygamous marriage are fewer. But
although they share a father, the children always stay with their
mother, in their mothers home. Fights and hatred fueled by their
mothers is common. If a wife dies, her children are often taken in by
the wife she was the closest to, regardless of any prior antimosity.
My
father has three wives. I am the oldest child of his first wife.
Unfortunately, my father developed a preference for his second wife,
which resulted in preferential treatment for her and her children. My
birth mother is very close with my fathers third wife, although we, her
children, are closer to his second wifes children as we grew up
together during a time in which our mother was away from the family.
Education,
an important commodity, is also often unevenly distributed. In rare
cases, when a man is wealthy enough to provide equally for all of his
children, this is not an issue. But usually, the children of a favored
wife are given more educational opportunities than the rest.
It
is difficult to live in the polygamous family. Grievances are never
forgotten, and there are deaths of parents and children resulting from
poisoning and witchcraft that overshadow what could be a wonderful
experience for a large family. Wives will practice witchcraft in order
to eliminate the other wives and gain favor for themselves and their
children. And, even worse, some children will kill their father, in
order to inherit his wealth and afford more benefits for their mother
and siblilings.
Wives practicing witchcraft , to eliminate one
another and charm their husband to win over his heart for their to
themselves and their children. Children in many occasions kill their
father to assume heir of the family so they can have a big share of the
family cake with their mother.
Although this form of marriage
has benefits to both the men and women involved, it is often hardest on
the children, who often end up the pawns of manipulative parents. Being
a child of a polygamous marriage myself was difficult, and I feel the
opportunities for the potential of a wonderful supportive experience
was wasted through petty jealousy and unequal educations for us. I was
fortunate to find a sponsor to continue my education, but many of my
siblings have not been so fortunate
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