10 Most Irritating Things Women Do During Sex
This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.
Women, God love ‘em, are the operative factor in continuing our species' dominance of the planet. So we can't get rid of them.
But the females in our lives manage to throw monkey wrenches in the spokes of our grandiose plans. Since recognizing a problem is the first step in fixing it, here's a roadmap of the bumps ahead.
The 10 Most IRRITATING things women do during sex are:
1. She gets mad if you change channels back to the ballgame.
(This is great for now, but Barry Bonds hits next inning!)
2. She wants to play her favorite John Tesh or Yanni CD.
(I cannot do my business…listening to those shmucks!)
3. She is always UNCOOPERATIVE in a moving car!
(Look, we've got cruise control, and NOBODY can see!)
4. She burns a candle, but absolutely REFUSES to videotape.
(I taped over our wedding video, but don't hold a grudge!)
5. She always takes so, so long!
("Ooh, ooh, I want to come too!" I just hate that!)
6. She always forgets to restock the batteries!
(There's stuff I don't have enough energy to keep doing!)
7. She complains too much about that "SIZE" thing!
(I can't help it if that "big feet-big hands" thing is a myth!)
8. She refuses to wear the mink handcuffs I bought her.
(No, I won't let her put them on ME, I don't trust her!)
9. She forgets, as usual, to bring a DAMN TOWEL!
(It's not my fault that we…OK; it really IS MY fault!)
10. She won't ever let her girlfriend join in the fun.
(I only asked twice, now she's gone all Oprah on me!)
These are merely a few of the things women do. Men however, do thousands of more irritating things just to get a woman IN their beds. In gambler's parlance: This bet is always a PUSH!
If love is blind, then love happens to be deaf and dumb too! Your silly shortcomings are no better, or worse, than hers. So back off your pre-conceived agendas in the battle of sexes and just enjoy what you've got, while you've got it!
more in Cheers
Poor Lue's Almanack April '06 (The first part's true, the last part's Lue)
(Take time to smell the flowers, before we're drenched by May showers. Here's some ephemera from the stream of conciousness that will always represent our America. Keep your ears loose...Lue)
(Take time to smell the flowers, before we're drenched by May showers. Here's some ephemera from the stream of conciousness that will always represent our America. Keep your ears loose...Lue)
We're all aliens, I’ve got the proof!
Has anyone had any green alien sex? William Shatner claims he hasn’t, even though we have all seen him on Star Trek doing that thing. My buddy George here claims the same, he says that it was nothing but a grown up dog. Well, when he told me that I secretly wished it would have been an alien, at least it would sound sexy not like throw-up-if-ya-want. I did, and explained it with something I had eaten the week before.
Has anyone had any green alien sex? William Shatner claims he hasn’t, even though we have all seen him on Star Trek doing that thing. My buddy George here claims the same, he says that it was nothing but a grown up dog. Well, when he told me that I secretly wished it would have been an alien, at least it would sound sexy not like throw-up-if-ya-want. I did, and explained it with something I had eaten the week before.
Theme Park
After revamping the look and feel of the magazine, it's time to take it to the next step. All aboard!
After revamping the look and feel of the magazine, it's time to take it to the next step. All aboard!
Love Under the Big Top
When you are working as an entertainer, especially with a circus or other traveling show you are bound to hook up romantically with another performer once in awhile. Sometimes the only people you can even find to talk to are the folks in your production and you have no choice but to date another person in the biz.
When you are working as an entertainer, especially with a circus or other traveling show you are bound to hook up romantically with another performer once in awhile. Sometimes the only people you can even find to talk to are the folks in your production and you have no choice but to date another person in the biz.
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