This article belongs to Heads or Tales column.
It's getting harder and harder these days to tell the lunatics without a scorecard. Forget about sexy, it's time People Magazine came out with a 100 Wackiest People issue.
At one time Michael Jackson might have been a lock to head this list, but the global warming crowd is making a strong bid to move to the forefront.
With yet another politically volatile report on global warming by the U.N., every magazine, website and TV show you can think of is featuring tips on how you can be more environmentally conscious in the coming year.
Now that Tom Cruise has largely succeeded in marginalizing Scientology, being eco-hip is the new cult religion of choice for the yuppie set.
Being environmentally conscious is so trendy even America Online is featuring tips on how to save the planet. (Rule #1 for all cults: Make it about something bigger than any one individual)
We've always wanted to hang with the cool kids, so after reading AOL's suggestions, we decided we could do better. After all, there's no sense being half-assed about your commitment to save the Earth.
Here are five hard-core tips for those who want to walk the gangsta nature walk:
1. Hybrid, That's All I Ever Heard
One of the most common eco-pointers, driving a hybrid car lets you kill two humans with one stone (because killing two birds would be ecologically wrong).
We're not talking any hybrid, though, we're talking about driving a Vietnamese orphan-powered rickshaw. Talk about status. Not only will you be just as trendy as Angelina and Brad by adopting someone from a third-world country, you'll also be helping to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.
2. Expect More, Pay Less
Don't be fooled by big corporations like The Gap and Target who are posturing for your green dollar. Everyone knows real organic clothes are ones that have already started to decay. And you can only get those from one source: homeless people.
Use cloves and lemon juice to help naturally disinfect the clothes you buy from that crazy woman on the corner who thinks you're a Klingon. And don't forget that Victoria's Secret items are also recyclable.
3. Mow Better Blues
Eco-fanatics hate lawn mowers. So, they've come up with a totally reasonable solution to maintaining your lawn: goats. Companies like Goats-R-Us (http://www.goatsrus.com) only charge around $700 an acre for their service.
While that may sound expensive (raised social consciousness never comes cheap), the cost includes transportation, supplements and healthcare insurance for the goats. You'll feel better knowing that you're helping the environment. On the other hand, you'll probably feel worse that the goats have better health benefits than you do.
4. You're Now Free to Move (Slowly) About the Country
Eco-tourism is the latest fad in the travel industry. But wait, you weren't really thinking about flying or driving your SUV down to the Everglades, were you?
The only natural way to head down to Florida on your spring break is to walk. Assuming you walk at a reasonable pace, don't dawdle at rest stops and bring plenty of Xtasy, you should be able to make the trip in 15-16 days without sleeping. Not close enough to nature? Try making the trip naked.
5. I Can't Believe I Swallowed the Whole Foods Thing
Pay more, eat bland. Whole Foods and other organic supermarkets specialize in over-priced, tasteless food. But that's a small price to pay for doing good things for Mother Earth and striking a blow against big evil corporations.
Oh, did we forget to mention that 95% all organic fruits and vegetables come from three massive eco-cartel farms in California? Turns out bullshit is a natural fertilizer, too.
All this eco-craziness is starting to make Scientology look reasonable. Especially since Dianetics isn't published using recycled paper....