Cheerleader Ninjas: It Really Only Just Sounds Like A Bad Idea
Kira Reed .... Fantasy Girl
Renee Deemer .... Heather
Sunny Graves .... Jane
Tamara Lentz .... Ophelia
Jeff Nicholson .... The Evil Stephen
Angela Brubaker .... Angela
T. Scott Becker .... Chubby
Matthew Mertz .... The Alarm Geek
Jarod Brubaker .... Maverick
Adam Burns .... Flamer
Don Sneed .... "Mr. X"
Lee Schinagle ... Larddass Maximus
This week, and for the next month, the column will be brought to you by Horrormovies.com, where you can pick up a good deal on the movies I cover. (http:www.horrormovies.com/?ref=12)
There are days that force me, as a columnist dealing exclusively in the direct-to-video market, to question my own sanity.
Maybe I''m dealing with Croenenburg's latest little bit of insanity. Maybe I''m subjecting myself to Roger Corman's last-ditch effort to keep his waning career alive. Maybe I''m even going so far as to endure some minor-league, sleazebag studio's desperate move to make some quick cash at the expense of video viewers nationwide.
But sometimes, there's just something that comes along that's so confusing, so completely out of left field, that no one ever possibly could have seen it coming in a thousand years of contemplating.
This is one of those times.
This is Cheerleader Ninjas.
Yes, you read that correctly: Cheerleader Ninjas - ninjas who are cheerleaders; cheerleaders who are ninjas.
I''m scared - vaguely excited, but also scared.
So what we have here is the story of a foursome of cheerleaders from Happy Valley, cheering on their mighty football squadron, the Happy Valley High Hamsters.
Oh, it only gets weirder from here.
Somehow, the Happy Valley High Hamster cheerleaders (dear Lord, what name do they wind up with--the "Hamsterettes"?) are being blamed for the recent invasion of Internet pornography into the bedrooms of children all across Happy Valley. Blamed by the Catholic Mothers With Too Much Time On Our Hands, a new schoolteacher is brought in to rein in the allegedly wayward cheerleaders....
Oh, I really can't believe I said that!
It gets worse. The cheerleaders also have to face down an evil mastermind who's using them as guinea pigs to perfect his Internet Zombie Domination software. They must overcome the evil mastermind, "Mr. X," and also the new schoolteacher.
You can see now why I''m quietly screaming into the nearest handy pillow and wondering if I've lost my mind: cheerleaders blamed for Internet pornography, and fighting a schoolteacher and an evil genius planning to use Internet pornography to enslave the world. It''s like a strange mix of Kill Bill, Bring It On, and old episodes of "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers." What the hell?
Perhaps most alarming, or most interesting by turns, is the first twenty seconds, featuring Other Titles We Didn't Use. This is scary and brilliant, but funny stuff here. For instance, Teen Sewer Tramps Slaughter Helpless Baby Seals, 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog, and Kick-Boxing Kennel Bitches In Heat. The interesting part is that these titles would be perfectly valid replacements for Cheerleader Ninjas.
Watching this, even just the first five minutes, you know what you're in for here: one of the funniest and possibly most bizarre movies ever released onto video store shelves; a film that would make Lloyd Kurtz and Michael Kaufman fall to their knees in adulation, ready to hand over the very reins of Troma itself to Kevin Campbell, the young man who showed them the inevitable progression of everything they strove to achieve. Though Troma has lost its way, Campbell will show them the road.
This movie includes gut-wrenching violence, bizarre situations, and of course, comedy like no tomorrow. There's also plenty of nudity, pseudo-lesbianism, and pandering to go around. Check out the scene involving cheerleaders chasing schoolgirls - on pogo sticks and through a haze of lawn sprinklers.
Cheerleader Ninjas continues on in this fashion, with insane amounts of dick-and-fart jokes, including a bizarre segment in which one of the characters is replaced with an obvious blow-up doll, and the remainder of the on-screen cast bounces it above their heads like a beach ball while fart noises erupt throughout.
In terms of bizarreness, the movie is easily on par with Crazy Lips.
The sad thing about Cheerleader Ninjas is that it really has only three moods: comic, disgusting, and pandering. This movie will be a thrill ride for every fifteen-year-old boy who gets his hands on it.
The ending involves poorly animated robots slapping each other with oversized rubber phalluses as cheerleaders and schoolgirls do battle for the fate of the earth. There also includes: some singing, some false morality, a man in a cheerleader uniform, and...okay, that was bad enough.
The special features are limited to subtitles and trailers for Cheerleader Ninjas and Cabin Fever.
All in all, Cheerleader Ninjas features more bizarreness, dick-and-fart jokes, sheer roaring comedy, and pure "what the hell" moments than any other direct-to-video title you're going to see any time soon. If you're fifteen, you're going to love it. Older folks may want to try it anyway, just for the sake of the incredible, over-the-top nature of the film.