The judicial process in the USA is starting to resemble a freak show. Bars and restaurants get sued for people who cant behave properly within the establishments. You can sue a person for looking at you funny, you can sue someone for putting cream in your coffee. You can sue a town for not letting you put on a Heterosexual Day Parade [I'll save that whole thing for another column].

It's like everyone's out to stick it to everybody. Dog eat dog. People don't care if they screw the system because they feel like the system screws them without a condom on a daily basis. The system feels like everyones out to screw it so we wind up with many little things blown out of proportion for the sake of the dog and pony show. You wanna talk about a fisting? The Clinton library cost 165 million dollars to build. $165,000,000.00! You could educate more kids than that place ever will with that dough, but instead we needed to build a library in a State that aint too well known as a vacation hot spot for families.

They expect about 300,000 people a year to visit [in reality that means about 50,000 people because as we all know government exaggerates what it needs to for certain things and understates where it needs to so it can get people to believe a certain way] at 7 bucks a head. You do the math. I don't see the library ever turning a profit but I can see it costing another 5 million a year to maintain. Who can the U.S. citizen sue for that mismanagement? No one. Real businesses can't create businesses designed to lose money but the Government can. On the other hand lawyers seem to justify any lawsuit they take on if it has at least six figures involved [for them].

Maybe we can find a sleaze to investigate if in fact the $165,000,000.00 raised to build the Clinton library was actually from "private donors". Even if it was, does anyone believe that the maintenance and yearly budget will not be funded on the backs of US Citizens? Are you fucking kidding me? How about the $15,000,000,000.00 [that's 15 BILLION] wasted on this big dig site in Teddy Kennedy's state? These are the kinds of cases that should be brought into the system not some weenie who spilled hot coffee on his peeshalini.

A friend of mine was telling me how some moron sued a well-known RV company. Some guy was driving on a cross-country trip in his new RV. This guy put his vehicle on cruise control, left his drivers seat and went to bathroom. One problem, he did it while it was on cruise control. The moron sued the RV Company and WON! He claimed that the RV manual didn't provide information about NOT LEAVING YOUR SEAT WHILE DRIVING ON CRUISE CONTROL. Does someone really need to be told this? After we're all past the age of 4 we don't need to be told when to flush the toilet but this guy needed to be told not to leave his seat while driving? Absolutely insane! You can sue anyone and in some instances, anything, anytime. All you need is some ambulance-chasing-maggot-drama king/queen lawyer whos willing to let you keep about 50% of whatever the viper can get you.

Case in point:

A man is suing fast food restaurants in the USA. This gravitationally challenged man ate at fast food restaurants for years and claims that he wasnt warned about the fact that the shit he was consuming in mass quantities wasn't the best stuff in the world for him. Whatd this guy think he was eating? Organically grown hamburgers? I don't know about you but no one ever had to tell me that fast food wasn't healthy. Think about this. This stuff at a fast food joint takes what? Fifty? Sixty seconds tops? Now ladies, and only the ladies: You know that anything that comes in less than a minute can't possibly do you any good right? I rest my case.

Its these kind of lawsuits that jam up the whole legal system. Somehow, someway we need to find a way to stop people from filing these bullshit lawsuits. I think that if we strung people up by their thumbs and beat them on national television in the context of a Reality TV show that might have some impact. I think that if we could just find a way to ridicule these plaintiffs and the pond-scum-ambulance-chasing lawyers who clog up the system with cases that blow everything out of proportion for the sake of a big payoff then maybe, just maybe, people would think twice before filing such frivolous lawsuits. It seems that many of those types of lawyers are more like creative writers. They create scenarios [their reason for legal action], no matter how preposterous, and then try to sell that story to a group of people for a big payoff. And might I add... piss on the jury that grants these ingrates a dime.

Let me go on record here folks: If this guy suing fast food joints wins this lawsuit Im going to sue my first girlfriend for getting my hooked on sex! Why not? I wanna be rich too dammit! If thats the only I can do it and I dont have to worry about being flogged on TV its worth a try dont you think?

You Ring, I Bring