I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.-Thomas Grasso (Executed in Oklahoma)

Kenneth Lee Boyd, come on down, you are the next contestant on the "Capital
Punishment Show". Kenneth, do I have a surprise for you. You are the 1,000th
person to be executed in the U.S.
since 1976! Rod, tell Kenneth what he as won. Kenneth, as lucky number 1,000
you will receive a free steak dinner from the NC Department of Corrections.
Next you will spend 30 minutes on the finest gurney that money can buy. Now get
ready, for the final prize, you will receive an injection of lethal drugs that
will take you on a tropical vacation to Hell.

All it took for Mr. Boyd to become "Mr. 1000" was killing his wife and
father-in-law in front of his own two children. You would think that it
wouldn't take as long as it did to execute someone after committing such
heinous crimes. After all, it happened back in 1988. But good things come to
those who wait. My elementary school teachers used to say that patience is a
virtue and I believed them. Now I have proof that they are right. Can you
believe that Mr. Boyd was ungrateful being the lucky man? He actually had the
gall to say "I'm a person, not a statistic".

The death penalty issue in the United
is a touchy subject to say the least.
There is no middle ground. After all, someone can't be partially dead. The
paradox of the debate is that the "Religious Right" is mainly in favor of
executions and the "Liberal Left" is for the most part opposed to executions.
On paper that kind of logic appears a little backwards. That's why I avoid
trying to explain it to my Korean friend, Jin. He might end up having an
aneurysm trying to understand why religious people want to fry wrongdoers.

When it comes to politics I have to declare myself as an Uber-Independent.
Frankly I think the leaders of both parties should be dipped in syrup and
staked on an ant hill then replaced with the party of "common sense". The
Democrats have the backbone of an elephant seal, but if someone called me a
Republican I'd likely rip their tongue out and nail it on my wall. I am
actually a supporter of the death penalty, but I'm certainly not a religious
person (unless Hillbilly Buddhism is now recognized as an official religion).

A lot of my acquaintances have given me their opinions about the death penalty,
and they seem to dislike it. These aren't a bunch of backwoods rubes; they are
highly intelligent people who have several valid points. Hopefully I won't
alienate them too much because you can't afford to piss off half your
readership when you're doing an independent column. But this article is "only for
those with true grit, and I am chock full of that, man."

Now hold on for a moment before you declare me a flag sucker. As with any
government program the death penalty is riddled with more holes than a paper
plate blasted with a shotgun, and that's what my people mentioned first.
Frankly they are right. The program is a goddamn fiscal nightmare. In my home
state of North Carolina
it costs around $2.16 MILLION more to execute someone than it does for
non-death penalty cases. Lord knows the lawyers must love the death penalty. To
get assigned to a death penalty case is like winning the lottery with all of
those high priced appeals that are sure to ensue, and don't forget those
possible book and movie offers.

The guesswork needs to be taken out of the equation to eliminate all those damn
expensive appeals. For instance there is no way that "Freeway Killer" William
Bonin should have had 14 years before he got the gas chamber after being
convicted on 10 counts of murder. If a person is 100% guilty they should be put
to death, but nobody should ever be fried on circumstantial evidence.

Another prime example of the pitiful state of the appeal process is the Gerald
Stano case. From 1969 until his arrest in 1980 Stano murdered 41 women ranging
in age from 13 to 35. Thankfully he was apprehended in Florida where he had a
date with "Old Sparky" in 1986. For some reason he was granted an indefinite
stay and not executed for another 12 years. What the fuck were they waiting
for? Can anyone tell me?

One would think that the consequence of eating 100,000 volts of electricity
would deter people from committing such vile atrocities. Unfortunately that
isn't the case Junior. Louisiana has the highest murder rate in the country (13
murders per 100,000 people) and they love to put people in the dirt.
Conversely, Maine has the lowest murder rate (1.3 murders per 100,000 people)
and they don't have capital punishment as an option. The South has far and away
the highest incidence of capital punishment, but we also have the lowest
education and highest religious affiliation rates as well. Could there be a
correlation there?

To keep from racking up too many frequent flyer miles let's stay in the South
for a while. The South may have lost the Civil War, but By God, they're doing
what they can to keep those damn Nigras in line. Blacks make up 41% of death
row inmates, quite a feat considering they make up such a small segment of the
nation's citizenry. If any of those big-lipped beasts kill a white person we're
sure to get a little "Southern Justice". Two hundred and seven blacks have been
executed for killing white people, compared to just 12 whites executed for
killing blacks. This is without a doubt the most disconcerting trend of all.
Everyone needs to play on the same playing field, but let me know if you can
find a playing field (other than a football field) where blacks are treated as
an equal. If you can find one it's sure to be the first. Oh, while I'm at it,
Death Penalty laws should be nationwide, not state determined.

The death penalty should be used in severe cases only, one such case being that
of the sadistic cannibal, Jeffrey Dahmer. Dahmer was found guilty of 15 counts
of murder and sentenced to 936 years in prison. Even Methuselah couldn't serve
out that sentence. Unfortunately for the families of the murdered, Wisconsin is
one of those states abstaining from capital punishment. Even Mother Theresa
couldn't find a way to justify not killing this scum sucking vermin. If it
wasn't for inmate Christopher Scarver bashing Dahmer's skull in with an iron
bar the bastard would still be living comfortably in the Wisconsin penal

Or what about Hubert Mullin of California? Mullin killed 10 people to prevent
earthquakes from destroying California. To top it all off he had been committed
to mental institutions THREE times before committing these murderous acts.
Couldn't anyone see this coming? Mullin reminds me of a dog that my friend
Eddie Ratliff had back when I lived in the trailer park. The dog had a major
case of the mange and it roamed the trailer park rabid and violent. In the
spirit of trailer park justice Eddie's dad had to put a bullet in the dog's
head to keep everyone safe. By the way, Mullin will be eligible for parole in
2020 because you can't execute a crazy person.

One of my acquaintances, Eric Beavers

out the possibility of politicians using capital punishment as a political
weapon. He rightfully pointed out that when a politician needs some votes he
"gets tough on crime" and someone takes the dirt nap. Believe it or not,
ambitious public servants would do such a thing. My plan calls for a national
"cleansing holiday". One day a year we take off a day from work and have
executions. Nobody is to be executed on any other day in the calendar year.
This would eliminate the trump card of polarizing debates because the uproar
would be confined to just a few days before the holiday, and a few days after
the holiday. By that time CNN will find another juicy story, like Paris Hilton
fucking someone, and move on.

Beavers better half had the fabulous idea of using death row inmates for
"harvesting". Now there's a winner, kill the cretins and use their body parts
for those who are in dire need. What could be wrong with that? I'm all for the
idea, but I do see a fly in the ointment. Corruption would run rampant as
"special people" would vault to the top of the organ donor list. If
George Dubya Bush needed a heart transplant you would see Heisman Trophy winner
Reggie Bush convicted of treason within the month. The Dubya would then have
the heart of the greatest running back in college football history.

Feel free to make up your own mind about capital punishment. I'm not the one to
lead the charge for or against it. I'm not that worried about it because I know
capital punishment will never be an issue that I have to deal with. Why is that
you may ask? When you grow up in a town where the nearest police station is 40
minutes away you tend to accept vigilante justice as the norm. I do know that
if any bastard killed a family member of mine or a loved one you wouldn't have
to worry about lengthy appeals. I'd knock the bastard in the head with a shovel
and feed him to a bunch of hungry pigs. You wouldn't even need to dig a grave.

You can thank me later
for saving you the tax dollars.

You're welcome.