DIESEL BEER ICE CREAM
In the years since moving to Mount Perry, Florida, I have driven many hundreds of miles both with my little family and alone. Now, as a well traveled person, I consider myself reasonably familiar with the various snack foods available along the roadside. Among these various culinary delights is the ever present Diesel Beer Ice Cream.
This particular flavor is emblazoned in foot-high letters on the sides of the many fast food stores and gas stations along the roadside everywhere I went. The only variation was the addition of the words "Hand Dipped" after Ice Cream. This had to be something special in order to rate such a great amount of advertising, yet I'd never tried it.
I made up my mind to try this culinary delight the very next time I saw the advertisement on the side of a building. Being diabetic, this is not a decision I made lightly. Ice Cream in any flavor is a big "No, No." for diabetics, yet I just had to try it.
It wasn't long before I found Diesel Beer Ice Cream splashed in big red letters on the side of one of my favorite gasoline stops on the way to Tallahassee. Painted in big red letters on the side of the building was, "DIESEL BEER ICE CREAM", a picture of an ice cream cone and the words, "HAND DIPPED".
It was time to try the stuff. Entering the store, everything looked quite normal. I looked around for the Ice Cream case. The Ice Cream freezer was right next to the check out counter. I searched each tub for the words DIESEL BEER but this particular flavor was nowhere to be found. I found Cherry, Vanilla, Chocolate and a variety of others but no Diesel Beer.
After a judicious search I asked the attendant where the Diesel Beer Ice Cream was? He looked at me strangely and said, "Wh what?"
I repeated myself, "Where is the Diesel Beer Ice Cream?"
The man behind the counter looked at me with outright fear in his eyes. He stammered on,"We don't have any Diesel Beer Ice Cream."
No one was going to cheat me out of a taste of this new flavor. Leaning over the counter toward him I said, "You advertise Hand Dipped Diesel Beer Ice Cream on the outside of your building. I came all the way in here to try some. You advertize this flavor, here's my money, I WANT SOME!"
The man behind the counter looked extremely nervous as he said, "We have Diesel, we have beer and we have Ice Cream. What is it you want?"
Leaning ever closer I repeated into his face, "That's right, I want Diesel Beer Ice Cream. You don't have the flavor in the Ice Cream Case, BUT I WANT SOME."
The man behind the counter seemed to be fidgeting with some sort of button under the counter, but I was not to be put off. I repeated loudly, "You advertised Diesel Beer Ice Cream and that's what I want. I want a Hand Dipped Diesel Beer Ice Cream Cone with two scoops."
The man behind the counter now backed away from me and seemed to pale under my relentless scrutiny. He stammered on, "But we don't have any Diesel Beer Ice Cream, anywhere in our store. There is no such flavor. Honest, we have nothing even close to Diesel Beer Ice Cream, anywhere in the store."
Drawing myself up into my most ferocious looking six feet three inches tall, I looked down on him and said, "You Advertise Hand Dipped Diesel Beer Ice Cream. I stopped my trip to Tallahassee to have a double scoop of the stuff and you don't have any? What would you do if I sued this place for false advertising?"
Just about this time two State Police cars rolled into the parking and armed Policemen raced into the store with their guns drawn. The man behind the counter was pointing at me and yelling about what a crazy man I was.
The four police men surrounded me and menaced me with their guns and. One of them, looking at me with evil squinted eyes, spoke up, "Okay Mister, what's going on here?"
I told my story again, "I was on my way to Tallahassee and saw their sign advertising Hand Dipped Diesel Beer Ice Cream Cones. I stopped and came in to buy some." Holding up the money in my hand I went on, "This man wouldn't sell me any."
The four policemen looked at each other in wonderment. The man with the squinty eyes turned to the man behind the counter and asked, "This man says he asked to buy a Diesel Beer Ice Cream Cone and you wouldn't sell him any. Is this true?"
The man behind the counter looked even more nervous as the armed policemen now made him the center of their attention. He stammered, "But, but, we don't have any Diesel Beer Ice Cream."
Now people from the surrounding area, seeing the police cars and the lights, began to gather around the store. One of them asked me what was going on. I told him, "The man behind the counter wouldn't sell me a Hand Dipped Diesel Beer Ice Cream Cone." My words spread like wildfire through the gathering crowd.
One of the policemen now put his gun away and looking in my direction he said, "You know, I've never tried this Diesel Beer Ice Cream either and I see it advertised all over the place. This has been a trying day; it's hot and I think I want a Diesel Beer Ice Cream Cone also." The other three policemen nodded in agreement and stood side by side at the counter with me.
Now the man at the counter was truly nervous. He said quickly, "Look we have all these other flavors, I'll GIVE you whatever flavor Ice Cream Cones you want - free of charge!"
The policemen now looked at each other with questioning eyes. One of them said, "This Diesel Beer Ice Cream must be some hot stuff if he's not willing to sell us any. I wonder who he's saving it for?"
One by one, the people in the gathering crowd moved forward and demanded Diesel Beer Ice Cream also.
Time was dragging on and the time I had left to get to my appointment was dwindling. I moved out of the little store as the demand for Diesel Beer Ice Cream grew louder and louder. The loud voices were now punctuated by the sound of breaking glass and screams of pain.
Someone ran out of the store, grabbed a length of rope from his truck, and raced back inside. A woman came out, grabbed a pillow, and ran back into the store screaming something about Diesel Beer Ice Cream. Another man ran out and returned with a big bucket of tar.
If I'd waited any longer I would have been late for my appointment. I'll try again on my way home. I'm sure I'll find another store advertising Diesel Beer Ice Cream on the way back. One of these places is bound to have some.
(to be continued)