That's right! I'm back! And what's more I think I'm getting the hang of this whole horoscope thing.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be the world's foremost internet-based monkey astrologer, but (unless you know another one) I've done it.
Mrs. Monkey is so proud!
ARIES (21 March 20 April)
The rings of Saturn will converge while you're watching an episode of Friends, bringing the sudden realisation that "No one told you life was gonna be this way, your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A." Try not to cry.
TAURUS (21 April 21 May)
You have a 1 in 10 chance of having sex this week. Less if you live somewhere cold.
GEMINI (22 May 21 June)
Don't count your chickens before they hatch this week. In fact don't count chickens at all, it's boring and not a good way to meet people.
CANCER (22 June 23 July)
Recent events may have given you itchy feet. I'm not a doctor (I'm a monkey) but it's probably a fungal infection. Buy some powder.
LEO (24 July 23 August)
Once again, you won't win the lottery. You won't win next week either.
VIRGO (24 August 23 Septemer)
The ascent of Venus will bring an upturn in your romantic fortunes. Unless you're really, really ugly. I do astrology, not miracles.
LIBRA (24 September 23 October)
As part of a controversial initiative by The Cheers editorial staff, all Librans will be hunted down and killed this week. This will open up some advertising space in the next issue. To advertise in the space formerly known as LIBRA (24 September - 23 October) please contact email@example.com
SCORPIO (24 October 22 November)
One of you lucky Scorpios will sleep with ample-bosomed celebrity Jordan this week. This has nothing to do with astrology, it's just the law of averages. Remember to take precautions.
SAGITTARIUS (23 November 21 December)
You will not be the first man in space this week. You're at least fifty years too late, and monkeys were there first anyway. (well done Russian space monkey, you are in our hearts).
CAPRICORN (22 December 20 January)
The moon's proximity to Mars means that a visit to a Chinese restaurant will result in you taking a fortune cookie far too seriously. Remember that they're mass-manufactured, not handwritten just for you. What? Did you think they have a team of dedicated Chinese philosophers working away in the back? Exactly.
AQUARIUS (21 Janary 19 February)
It will not be your birthday this week.
PISCES (20 Febrary 20 March)
To save water remember this rhyme: "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." Me & Mrs. Monkey swear by it.
And there you go. Next week I'll be turning my talents to Euro 2004...
DISCLAIMER: Mr. Monkey is a (very) amateur astrologist/horoscopist and cannot be held responsible for actions you take based on his advice. And if I see any of you Gemenis counting chickens then God help you.