Hello there and welcome! My name is Mr. Monkey and The Cheers has asked me to write a weekly horoscope column.
Between you and me, Ive got no idea what Im doing, but as the saying goes you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. And here I am!
Anyway, you can see from my picture that I'm trying my best. It was taken by the lovely Mrs. Monkey while I was concentrating hard on this week's forecast.
ARIES (21 March 20 April)
It is important to be patient this week. If someone angers you, dont lash out straight away. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and count to ten. If youre still angry, go for the eyes.
TAURUS (21 April 21 May)
Dont push yourself too hard at work. You wont get promote unless someone else dies.Sit back and let nature take its course.
GEMINI (22 May 21 June)
If you have made a mistake of some kind, stay calm. If its dealt with in the correct manner, then nobody will be able to trace the body back to you.
CANCER (22 June 23 July)
The moon's eclipse of Venus will bring you good fortune. But you still wont win the lottery.
LEO (24 July 23 August)
You wont win either. Its just another form of tax anyway.
VIRGO (24 August 23 Septemer)
Give yourself three wishes today. If none of them comes true, then try not to be too surprised.
LIBRA (24 September 23 October)
Mars is aligned with Venus this week. This will not affect your day-to-day life in any noticeable way.
SCORPIO (24 October 22 November)
The position of Jupiter will see you receive lots of spam e-mail, offering cut-price generic Viagra. Dont buy it.
SAGITTARIUS (23 November 21 December)
You will write a fairly inaccurate oroscope column for an on-line publication. (This must be mine.)
CAPRICORN (22 December 20 January)
I cant be too specific because we mustnt pollute the time line (see Back To The Future Part II for details), but just dont go bungee jumping this weekend. It will end badly.
AQUARIUS (21 Janary 19 February)
Good news! With practice, you will learn to juggle.
PISCES (20 Febrary 20 March)
The sun in Aquarius means that someone has a crush on you. Youll be disappointed when you find out who it is, though.
Thats all folks. Till next week, keep looking at the stars
DISCLAIMER: Mr. Monkey is a (very) amateur astrologist/horoscopist and cannot be held responsible for actions you take based on his advice. (All you Capricorns should still avoid bungee jumping, though)