Hallo humans! Mr. Monkey here, the Internet's most popular simian astrologer.

This week I'm turning my talents of prediction to the game you call football, and the Euro 2004 tournament in Portugal.

I can't forecast a winner since that's beyond even my skills, but according to my tea leaves the following things will happen.

1) Anyone who plays well will be instantly linked with Chelsea.
2) Cristiano Ronaldo will do a stepover.
3) An Italian player, probably Francesco Totti, will make a dramatic gesture.
4)The Dutch players will fight amongst themselves AND lose on penalties, all in the same week.
5) There will be one or more incidents involving Englishmen and alcohol.
6) Fans of Sweden and/or Denmark will be seen wearing Viking helmets, and then crying after their teams lose.
Fabien Barthez will make himelf look foolish by using his feet when it
would have been easier and more prudent to use his hands.
8) Greece will go home early.
David Beckham's inevitable new haircut will be mocked at first, but
then everyone will copy it.
10) Mihails Zemlinskis' haircut will be mocked, and with good reason.

That's yer lot folks, more from me next week.

Mr. Monkey is not always right, and it should be noted that not all
these things will definitely happen. Except for the bit about
Zemlinskis's hair.