For those of you who live outside of the USA, we have a system [that has been mandated by the Government] to stop pesky telemarketers from calling us. It's like a national opt-out program also known as the THE DO NOT CALL LIST. This system stores phone numbers in it that TELEMARKETERS are not allowed to call because the people at the other end of those numbers have stated they do not wish to be bothered by strangers selling used toilet paper and what not. Like anything mandated by a government, this one don't work too well.

Now I understand everyone has to have a job and telemarketers make their dough by selling their wares to unsuspecting soccer moms and wannabe do-gooders who just can't say no but having a Mr. Haney type person call every day to sell me crap I never even heard of can become a bit annoying. So what can one do to relieve oneself of these loathesome phone calls? Try my method.

A few days ago I got a call from this lady named Marianne. She told me today was my lucky day. I didn't even know her name and my imagination ran rampant. Oh the things we would do together. I'd rub her down in hot oil and... fall asleep.

Now when a telemarketer calls my house, I don't just hang up on them - that's too easy. I figure if they're gonna call and bother me in the middle of my day, I'm gonna make 'em sorry they even dialed my number.

But the trick here, folks, is to never let them see it coming. In my neighborhood we used to have a saying for that. We used to tell people to "never show your ass."

Marianne was about to disappoint me because she wasn't offering herself as part of my "lucky day," she was trying to sell me the merits of this new wonder credit card that would enable me to have all I deserved. At this point, one would have to wonder: "how does she know what I deserve?" and furthermore "what if I don't deserve it?"

So Marianne continued to babble on and on and on and I just had to ask her a question. I said "Marianne, before you go any further... answer me a question." She said "Ok, what can I help you with?" I asked her "What do you look like?" She proceeded to ask me "I don't understand why you're asking that." And I told her. "Lemme explain something to you honey; I like a nice, mental picture of a
woman while I'm in the middle of WHACKING OFF!"

You think she saw that one coming? Hell no! And the beauty of this method is that it works like a charm. How do you know? Because they hang right up on you. I doubt you'll ever hear from them again. You gotta try it at least once. I don't care, either messing with the telemarketers or whacking off, either one - they're a lot of fun.