I'm surrounded by naked women 4 times a week and I'm miserable. Now some people might say "dude, I wish I had your problem"... NO YOU DON'T.

Aside from being an actor, writer and part-time X-Box Madden 2004 football player (Kansas City Chiefs) I'm an "entertainment director" for a strip club in the Chicago area.

Now don't get me wrong. I like the ladies and have some of the healthiest impure thoughts about them but they're women and women are moody - ALL THE TIME! They could win the lottery and still find something to be angry about. You wanna know why? Because men have made 'em that way. That's right guys. You can't go bullshittin' yourselves - it's our fault.

I really think some guys go to strip clubs because it's like a Freudian thing. They throw all this money at some girl because it's his way of saying "sorry" to ALL WOMEN for all the stupid stuff men put women through. See ladies... you thought I was a chauvanist didn't you? Maybe? Could Be? Possible? Maybe Not.

Many people go to strip clubs and that's cool as long as you don't lose track of the fact that it's a FANTASY. Look, some of these clubs are dark because if they were too light you wouldn't have too much of a fantasy to look at. So here's some tips for those going to strip clubs.

1. Don't be one of the morons asking the girls to go to dinner with you. If they took everyone up on every dinner offer they'd be 400 pounds and you wouldn't want to be seen in public with them. Just throw your money at them and let them eat when they're ready.

2. For some reason some guys think they're going to save this "poor girl" from her life. Lemme tell you sumptin', the girl's probably making about 2 Gs a week. What could you possibly save her from?

3. Grabbing a girl's butt or attempting to insert an empty beer bottle into it because you gave her $50 is not proper etiquette, even in a strip club. You wouldn't want someone to grab your mama's or your baby's mama's butt would you?

Now there's two types of strip clubs:

A) White-Collar Clubs:

These are the type of clubs that offer some of the most lifeless "dancers" walking around with her tatoos covered up (most white collar clubs require their "dancers" to cover tatoos) behind her Salvation Armani Gown. They walk around complaining about a variety of issues. The most thing they all have in common? Their bust-out wannabe rapper/rock n roll boyfriend (who is almost like an agent for her because he takes a percentage of what the girl makes and goes to other strip clubs trying to be some other girl's savior). Many strippers seem to aim low so they can't miss.

How do you know when you're in a white-collar club? Simple, they charge you an arm and a leg to get in; they charge to park your car ; they charge you more dough so you can get a "good seat" AFTER YOU'VE ALREADY DROPPED BIG DOUGH TO BE IN THE ROOM; they have some putz in a rent-a-tux running up to you to seat you; they have some guy in the toilet sniffing ass all night that you have to tip
after Mr. Winky does his thing; they have many of the same girls that have either been fired or busted out of every other club in the area and they have a VIP Room. What is the VIP Room? It's where all the people who need to feel important sit. Once we get them all in there the girls are like sharks attacking meat. It's like you have a BULLSEYE on your back because your dumb enough to spend more money for the same thing everyone else is paying half the price for. Come to think of it, if you're comfortable with having people only want to talk to you because your bullseye is bright and shiny then you deserve to be taken down the path. You're loaded, what do you care?

No one dances in a white collar club, they waltz around on stage. It's like a walking yawn for 6 minutes. The music is similar to something you'd hear at a Crematorium. There's no energy, no fun. Nothing. Just BLAH! There's usually no such thing as a lap dance at a white collar club either. They're "air dances". The girl's about a mile away from you and wiggles around for about 2 minutes. After that it's "thanks for the 20 Bucks... gotta go". Average Entertainment Value: 4 out of 10.

B) Blue-Collar Clubs:

Now, this is where the action's at! If you're an aspiring perv or closet freak, these are the places you'll have the most fun. These clubs actually have girls that don't just walk around lifelessly. They work the room and the pole. Come to think of it, many guys envy the way a woman can work a pole. However, please note: When you're at a blue collar club and you're sitting at the stage waiting to tip the young lady.... when she bends down and sticks her butt in your face, (which in itself is kind of strange) think about this...

The girls get hungry through the night. Late at night you only have a few choices. A) Burrito joints or B) White Castle (and you know what that does to your ass). So here you are waiting for this dancer (who's ass may be on fire) to come off the pole and stick that hot sweaty ass right in your face and for this, you're going to give her money.

Everytime I see that happen I figure maybe my problems ain't so bad after all.

More Strip Club 101 And Other Timely Issues To Be Discussed Next Week.

Sal Amato.