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Where was I?

 article about Where was I?

I heard some particularly disturbing news on the E! Network recently.  Apparently Mary-Kate Olsen dropped out of Columbia University to devote more time to running her business.  Perhaps you have heard of her.  She is one part of the twins that came to fame before they could even speak in the 80's sitcom "Full House".  The same show that spawned Bob Saget, Tracey Gold, some guy that drove Alanis Morrisette to write the song "you oughta know", and that enormous slice of beefcake John Stamos.

Like millions of people worldwide I have been fascinated with the Olsen twins for some time.  I admire their talent and their wholesome girl-next-door appearance.  Not once have I fantasized about refereeing a naked oil wrestling contest between the two like some other people have.  And I didn't visit that website that was counting down the seconds until they turned 18 either.  I would not waste my time on such impure thoughts.

Where was I?  For a second my thoughts drifted to that oil wrestling scenario, but only for a second.  Oh yes, my fascination runs deeper than an obsession with their looks.  The Olsen's are an experiment in social history.  They will go down as the only people to be filmed from the time they were born until the very day that they die.  They are like our own version of "The Truman Show".  Their every move is filmed, broadcasted, and scrutinized by a cynical public that is becoming increasingly harder to satisfy.  Someone should ask them if fame at this price is really worth it.

For some reason white people all over the world are obsessed with scandal and controversy.  There is no escape.  We Americans are leading the way with our guerilla paparazzi tactics.  Celebrities can't even go to the grocery store for ice-cream without seeing themselves in some disgusting magazine the next day with the headline "Is Samantha Expecting? or "Does Samantha have an eating disorder?"  It's utterly ridiculous that we pay so much attention to things that mean absolutely nothing and ignore the carnage that is destroying the world.

It's fun to see people fall from grace.  It makes us feel better about our own pitiful lives.  How else could one explain the popularity explosion of reality shows?  Nothing satisfies the American public more than witnessing an utter trainwreck. 

So far Mary-Kate has been diagnosed with an eating disorder and now she is a college dropout.  That should sell a lot of reputable magazines adorning the checkout line of your favorite stores.

We will forgive such faults, but only on the promise that you will f**k up even more in the future.  Bizarre behavior is rewarded by the public.  But there are only so many "trump cards" that a celebrity can use before nobody gives a damn anymore.  Mary-Kate Olsen has already used two of those cards before the age of 19.  At this rate she may have to find a way to create a whole new deck.

When a celebrity's act grows stale they can pull a few wild stunts to revitalize their fledgling career for a short while.  You could get addicted to drugs like Danny Bonaduche.  How about becoming morbidly obese like Anna-Nicole Smith? 

If weight gain isn't an option you can always starve yourself down to a skeleton like Lindsay Lohan.  You might want to develop a psychological disorder like Brooke Shields.  If spirituality is your cup of tea you could turn to Kabala like Madonna, or devote yourself to Scientology like Tom Cruise.  Reality shows are an option, just look at Vince Neil.  The newest thing is to star in a porn video (preferably one that was "not intended for the public") like Paris Hilton or Pamela Anderson.  But be careful, each card can only be used once.  One porn video will give you "street cred", but a whole line will just make you a slut.

Hopefully Mary-Kate will make it in this cruel world without a college degree.  It may be difficult, considering that The Gap requires a college education before intrusting their employees to sell cargo pants.  Hopefully she will go back to get her degree some day and not join the ranks of such college dropouts as F. Scott Fitzgerald, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, David Geffen, Ted Turner, Warren Beatty, Brad Pitt, and Rush Limbaugh.  Lord knows these waterheads didn't amount to much without a degree, did they?

Unfortunately a college education ain't what it used to be.  It's a simple economic principal called "supply and demand".  There are too many college graduates out there watering down the value of a degree.  Back in the day when few people had a degree it put those with them in high demand.  Nowadays you will find department stores and telemarketing companies stocked with numerous college graduates. 

But just try to find a job without one and see how difficult it is. 

Your guidance counselors will tell you that a college degree is your ticket to a successful future. 

But is it really that important? 

The college dropout rate is the highest now that it has ever been.  Some educational companies estimate that more students drop out of college than actually graduate.  From my own experience only 6 out of 45 of my dorm mates from the 13th floor graduated.

Maybe those that drop out are the lucky ones.  If you are lucky enough to graduate you will be saddled with a $20,000 debt, on average.  Go back for a Master's degree and you will be looking at a $45,000 debt.  It may be tough to pony up that kind of money when you get your first job making $23,000 with no health care.  You will become one of the millions living with "unmanageable" debt (unmanageable being defined as debt payment being over 8% of your paycheck).  Top that off with a $200,000 mortgage; $25,000 car payment; health insurance payment etc. and you may get out of debt about 10 hours before you die.  But don't forget to take care of your final expenses as Lou Rawls suggests:  Just because you die doesn't mean that you don't have to pay the bills you Socialist twit! 

The Government owes you NOTHING!

Our American institutions (education, home ownership, credit cards, etc.) have basically solidified a base of middle-class indentured servants.  Massive debt is vital to our society because debt will keep you from doing something crazy, like quitting your shitty job.  You won't even contemplate leaving because one missed paycheck and they will send you off to debtor's prison.  I hear that may be the plan for the new New Orleans.  There isn't much leniency anymore to people who don't pay their debts.  You may wake up one day and find some giant brute standing over you with a lovely repossession form for you to sign before he breaks your thumbs.

Oh, I shouldn't be downplaying the importance of a college education.  Many of my friends spent countless hours in college learning such valuable skills as growing ‘shrooms out of horseshit, throwing furniture off of the 13th floor, drinking Everclear punch out of an unknown Rubbermaid garbage can, having sex with anything drunk enough to not notice what a loser you are... Let's just call college what it truly is: A four-year pact with the Devil allowing you to have one hell of a time in exchange for consistent labor for the rest of your miserable life.   

Please try to forget about Mary-Kate's estimated $150 million net worth coming from her company for just a moment.  Are you so shallow that you only think about money you materialistic bastard? 

Money isn't everything.  Without an education you are nothing! 

My aunt used to say "looks fade, money can be spent, but an education lasts forever". 

Hopefully you are not gullible enough to believe that gibberish.  How in the hell could you loose $150 MILLION? 

Even Mike Tyson would be set for life with that kind of bread.  And who says you can't loose an education? 

Just look at anyone who has suffered from any type of psychological disease that affects the memory, such as Pick's Disease.  A good dose of Pick's will slowly eat away at your brain until you start shitting your pants and your loved ones will be forced to throw you into a nursing home.  And Pick's Disease doesn't give a flying f**k if you graduated from Harvard University or PS#127 in Harlem, New York.  But for $150 million someone will keep your ass out of the nursing home.  You can take that to the bank.


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