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Ignorance Inc. - The HALFTIME FLUSH Phenomenon

 article about Ignorance Inc. - The HALFTIME FLUSH Phenomenon

This article belongs to Ignorance Inc. column.

Last Thursday night, I fell asleep with my TV on, which my extremely non-lonely bachelor status allows me to do...every night. One of those all-night news networks was on. You know, the ones that play the same six or eight stories in a loop for like seven hours straight? Those.

One of the pieces was an expose on the Halftime Flush, that half-hour period on Super Sunday when the nation's sewers, um...hit overdrive. It included an interview with a local waste management official.

And I might just have dreamed this, but I'm pretty sure he said, "We're asking people to please stagger their bathroom breaks. Because halftime of the Super Bowl is just shi–well, I'll say that we have to handle a huge load."

When I woke up the next morning, one phrase blinked like a lightning bug in my brain: Halftime flush.....Halftime Flush.....

I spent that afternoon cackling wildly as I typed "Super Bowl toilet flush" into my Google search field. And I learned a ton of useless information too. Like:

–Experts estimate that around 90 million toilets are flushed during halftime every year. That's about 50,000 flushes per second.

–Toilet paper company Scott Tissue is cashing in on the phenomenon since they launched in 2006, which redirects you to the Scott Clog Clinic. Included on that site is a $25,000 cash contest for the world's "Cloggiest Moment."

And here's a bonus factoid: You know that myth about toilet water spinning the opposite way in the Southern Hemisphere? That's horsesh...well, it's a load's wrong, okay? The direction the water spins in is based solely on how the water portals are aimed. Nothing to do with gravity or lunar cycles or any of that Eastern stuff.

I actually wasted a couple days learning useless Super Bowl trivia...but one was my particular favorite:

–35% of those attending the game every year use the cost of tickets and travel as a tax write-off, claiming it as a business expense.

Okay, let's see: about 75,000 people attended Super Bowl XLI. Ticket prices started at $600, so I'll give the conservative estimate of $1,000 per person when you add travel, refreshments, etc. That means Uncle Sam picked up a tab of at least $25 million so folks could see the game in person.

This past Sunday night, as Prince lived up to his symbol, I giggled to myself when I thought about the current, um, flow of goods occurring all over the world.

I was safe. I went potty several times in the first half just to do my duty, so to speak.

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