Hustle and Crawl
Is there anything worse than a kid that's not cool? Of course not. Which is why you and your baby mama are going to be so excited about the new clothing line that's just been introduced called Pimpfants.
The line features "Baby Beater" tank tops, a mini basketball uniform with "Jr. Pimp Squad" across the jersey and, oh yeah, T-shirts that read "My Mom Is a MILF."
Because I know when I think role model for kids, I think Kevin Federline.
Pimpfants founder and designer, Jared Parsons, says his new line of kids clothes "bridges the generation gap between parents and kids, allowing babies and tots everywhere the opportunity to hit the playground with fresh gear and street cred."
Maybe I'm crazy, but at four years old my kid doesn't need street cred, he needs phonics. Still, I guess it's never too early for your kid to be styling and aspiring to a career as a strip-club dancer or street hustler.
Sure, you could get all outraged at what some people think smacks of exploitation, but Jared got enough hits on his www.itsakidthang.com website to shut down the server.
So, you might as well just go with the hustle and flow because nothing sells like babies and hip hop culture.
Here are a few ideas to help you capitalize on the booming baby market:
Mother-F*ckin Goose Nursery Rhymes: Mary Had a Little Lamb is so old school. You know Mary would sell that lamb for crack first chance she got. Teach your child to read with updated classics like Humpty Dumpty:
Lil' G Gang Member Birth Certificates: Don't expose your baby to the dangers of being unaffiliated. Baby naming books have hundreds of choices for your baby's name, but when it comes to choosing a gang for your child the two basic choices are either the Bubs (red) or the Cribs (blue). You don't really want to risk having your baby jumped during recess at Montessori school, do you?
Goo-Goo Tattoos: It's hard to have street cred when you've got no ink. Baby girls usually prefer to have a lower back tattoo that shows above their low-rider diapers. For baby boys Chinese characters are all the rage. Some uptight folks will complain about the pain you're inflicting, but really now, is it any worse than circumcision?
Gerber Food Stamps: With tattoos and a baby beater T-shirt, you didn't really think your baby was ever going to get a decent job did you? Food stamps help teach your baby to count and learn the value of a government handout.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a motherf*ckin wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a big f*cking fall,
'Cause I capped that egg-headed bitch y'all,
Ain't doing the Humpty Dance now are you, motherf*cker?!
Scores Gentlemen's Club Playpen: Assign your oversized baby to work the door to this easily assembled play space for tots. The working velvet rope helps teach motor skills to young hustlers. This solidly constructed playpen comes with its own stripper pole and special curtained-off "formula room" for big spenders.
And just in case you thought it was just white trash parents who were crazy, the Wall Street Journal reports on a poll by www.americanbaby.com that found that almost half the respondents said they'd accept corporate sponsorship of their child's name.
I can't wait to have that conversation with my kid: "I know you hate me now, Exxon, but college is already paid for. Let's go out to dinner as a family. Go get your sister, Valtrex."