Hip-hop isn't something that springs to mind when most people think of
Britain. In fact to some outsiders it is perhaps puzzling as to how we
manage to stir up the panache to really attack a mic, what with our
preoccupation for tea drinking, stiff-upper-lipped-ness and a yearning
desire for some world class dentistry to bless our wretched mouths. The
Queen certainly despises the genre. How do I know this? Firstly for
those who are not living in the U.K I should explain the concept of
Royalty Day." Each year on the fore mentioned Royalty Day a name is
selected at random from the electoral roll - with the lucky winner
obtaining the pleasure of having the Royal family move in next door to
them. The draw takes place in the morning and is broadcast live on
television to an expectant nation. The Queen and the rest of the family
arrive at the chosen destination half an hour later (Because we are
such a tiny island, every location in the country can be reached from Buckingham Palace within approximately thirty minutes).

Last month, I was picked to receive this honour and was obviously over
the moon, but sadly my high spirits were soon dampened by the events
that followed. Because of the nature of my new next-door neighbours, I
decided it would be appropriate if the music blaring out of my speakers
that day had a British twang. So I reached for a selection of Hip-Hop
from the U.K. As Braintax, Roots Manuva and Jehst et al sounded
throughout the house,(Call me the counterfeit Big Lebowski / part time
alkie / scrambling around for his house key/ knee-deep in debris,
sipping on PG Tips like a chimpanzee) I was informed by a Security
Guard on my doorstep that Her Majesty fucking hates British rap and
that, unfortunately, was that. Worse was to come however when I
returned from the shop later that day, only to find that Princess Anne
had got through a small gap in our fence and had not only dug holes all
over the lawn, but had also urinated in the bird bath.

back on point, despite royal disapproval, the U.K hip-hop scene
continues to grow slowly and steadily. The music has by no means broken
through into the mainstream yet, partly because it simply doesnt gain
the exposure but also because many rap fans are so accustomed to people
rhyming in American accents, a British sound sometimes sounds strange
to the ear. Its a recurring topic amongst U.K.H.H fans as to whether
the music can blow-up i.e. become successful, and there are some signs
that this may not be too far away. The Queen may hate it, but other
prominent figures have leant their support to the scene, as detailed in
this snippet pulled from the Yorkshire Chronicle :

crucified by local authorities Influential biblical figure Jesus Christ
was again at the centre of a huge row involving Leeds City Council last
night. It is believed that problems arose after Jesus was recruited to
promote a local hip-hop and garage night by distributing flyers, but
instead forced a massive clean-up operation by unprepared and furious
council workers. Despite only being issued with 300 flyers initially, a
miracle dubbed as a loaves and fishes rehash by critics turned this
number into 300,000, leaving street cleaning teams struggling to cope.
Printing companies were also outraged at the incident, feeling that
divine leaflet reproduction would have significant financial
repercussions for their businesses.

The news comes just two
weeks since the self-styled saviour was involved in what local heads
dubbed the most anti-climactic rap battle ever when he faced off
against veteran British emcee T. Phillips. After glowing slightly and
hovering into his position on stage, Jesus stood motionless as Phillips
berated him, littering his allotted time of a minute with numerous
references to where Mary really was at the time of his conception, and
weak punchlines revolving around the word cross." Jesus then took the
mic and the whole crowd fell into silence eagerly anticipating a holy
comeback like the world had never seen. Fans were left disappointed and
angered however as he calmly announced he was turning the other cheek
and left the stage under a hail of empty beer bottles and a chorus of

Near-conclusive proof that the scene is on the verge of
something big Im sure youll agree. You too can also help raise
awareness of U.K Hip-Hop by simply writing I want the U.K to BLOW! on a
plain white cotton T-Shirt using black marker, though proudly
displaying this t-shirt during a full-scale terror alert may cause
problems which I cannot be held accountable for.

For actual information on U.K. Hip-Hop and not the supposed comedic ramblings of a loser masquerading as a journalist try www.ukhh.com.

I'm off for a crumpet. Bitch.