Welcome to Los Angeles, the weirdest show on Earth! Step right up...L.A.'s got what your looking for! We've got it all! Step right up, don't be shy! The big show's just about to begin! Step right up!

The city of Los Angeles has a population of over 1.7 million. Los Angeles County adds to that total, as least as much. Of all the 3.4 million or more souls inhabiting that sexy turf known as L.A., it would be fair to say: not even half of them are what you, or I, would call anywhere near normal. Welcome to my world! Hey there, step right up, it's almost showtime!

I assume most of you are tourists, but don't worry, in Circus L.A. if you’re not rich,or not famous, then you'll be treated like a tourist. For some of us, it can actually be an upgrade.

Yes, that's right, step right aboard my big red tour bus. We're about to see some sides of L.A. you don't ever hear about. There's room for everybody. Step right up, secure your seatbelts, it's time to go visit The Circus L.A.!

It's my opinion: Most residents here really aren't all that smart: I'm convinced that half of the people in L.A. moved here...because it was easy to spell!

Don't be frightened by the freeway traffic, that's why our tour is scheduled for 2 AM. It's a well known fact that nobody, who's anybody, does freeway traffic when all those weirdos are crowding the lanes! I got your Sig-Alert, right here!

On to our next stop in the Circus L.A. We'll cruise past Chavez Ravine's Dodger Stadium. It's a memorium to when we had professional baseball here. Barry Bonds, of dubious home run fame, bought the joint back in 2005. During the off season, He came in and personally reduced the whole place to a concrete rubble. On we go!

Here's some background information: The U.S. Census Bureau reports that every 20 seconds, America's population increases by one person. (births, legal immigrants, and illegal immigrants that overstay visas, Guantanemo Bay excluded) If you do the math, (it took me two bombers and four hours) that means every day our population goes up by at least 4320 people. As we get to our second cruise sight on the circus midway, the downtown bus station, I figure at least 72.5 people, of those 4320, will show up here, today. (72.5 because, quite a few are pregnant) That's 72.5 freaking people every day of the freaking year!

Now, as we circle the bus station, I want everybody to shout and yell at the newest arrivals as loud as you can: " GO BACK! YOU CAN’T MAKE IT HERE!

GO BACK TO YOUR HOMES!" They won't listen, of course, but at least, we'll be able to say, we warned them! " GO BACK HOME! "

In many repects, Los Angeles is a lot like Las Vegas! Except, in Los Angeles, our losers...never leave town!

We're not headed for Disneyland or Magic Mountain. We're going to West L.A.! Known to all insiders as having the very best rides on the planet! What? Yes Ma'am, that was indeed a sex joke! No Ma'am, you didn't laugh...sorry! No Ma'am, the bearded lady and the midgets are on the Hollywood Boulevard trip, not this one! No Ma'am, not West Hollywood! We got stopped there last month during a Bi-Sexual Parade! But, they broke it up after ten minutes because...Nobody knew which way to go!

(Is this a bus tour group...or an oil painting??) Onward we go!
(Smoke 'em, if you got 'em!)

What Ma'am? No, we won't be stopping in Beverly Hills this trip. Why? Well, there's a $200 security deposit for tourists to go in Beverly Hills, Bel Air, or Brentwood after midnight. And trust me on this, those in there, consider us out here, tourists. Yes Ma'am, you're right! Yep, it's been that way, ever since the OJ trial!

We will exit the I-10 freeway south and do a drive by in Culver City, where a once great studio was, that's now owned by an electronics firm. See, on the left, that's where they filmed "Gone with The Wind!" Now, they make DVDs there. Here's the shocker of our trip: We'll drive around back to the 1400 foot deep crater. It was created when our Supreme Court ruled it was OK to tape TV shows! (Somethin' just blew up!) This sinkhole is now being used as a recycling dump. It's 1400 feet deep, and 900 feet across. Back in the '80's,nobody thought we would ever fill it up. But it's getting filled with all the crushed hopes and dreams found discarded on our back streets. Every day, dump trucks, and dump trucks full, come here, and unload. Take a picture folks, it's quite a sight! On we go!

At a cruising height of over six feet, and maintaining a minimum speed of 55 mph for security, we kill all our cockpit lighting onboard, and see if we can skim past The People's Republic of Santa Monica. This where rent control started, so they really don't welcome strangers.Notice all the razor and barbed wire fencing! Now, everybody get real low, we're passing a sentry post...Oooh, that one's got a machine gun nest...quiet...maybe their dogs won't alert this time! Whoooosh! That was close! Everybody's OK now, you can sit up. We're all safe now!

We're going to slide up on the I-10 / I-405N ski jump, and exit into Westwood, on Sunset Blvd. Hey, lookit the homeless guy with the sign! It says: "Will work for U2 tickets!" What a crackup! Now, attention all passengers! We're gonna kill all the lighting again...everybody get low! Yes, Ma'am, just like last time. We're gonna try to sneak up Dead Man's Curve, past the Hotel California to our last stop, The Sunset Strip! Everybody stay low, and be quiet! Run silent, run deep!

Zooom zoooooomers! (Representing the five mile trip in awed silence)

OK, folks, We're here! This is Sunset Blvd and Doheny Street. There's Gil Turner's! He sells liquor to the Stars! Two blocks that way is the Roxy Theater and Rainbow Grill. Three blocks the other way is The Whisky a GoGo. Take a stroll! There are lots of side shows! Another fifteen blocks that way is The World Famous Comedy Store! Careful, Pauley Shore is there! C'mon take a walk, it's our Big Top, and three ring rolled into a single urban spectacle! Hey, there's Hugh Grant's hooker! This will be the best Circus L.A. offers. Keep your eyes open, it's the glitzy-est freak show on this good Earth! All passengers out now...take a walk! The big show's just about to start! Welcome to Circus L.A.! Heyah, heyah, step right up! It's the strangest show on Earth!