He MADE Me Do It!

Since I’m not a surgeon with a scalpel, or a airline mechanic with a hangover, I think it’ll be OK if I share my little secret with you:  I  hear these tiny voices inside my head, and they tell me what to do!

It goes back to when I was a small child.  My older siblings wouldn’t play with me…the bastards! So I was left to myself to keep occupied, and I found new friends, even if no one but me could see or hear them. 

My first imaginary friend told stories foretelling lessons I would need to learn. I was about twelve when he told me how he came to talk so convincingly. He told me that his father insisted he do all the plowing. He asked his father why his older brother didn’t have to it. His father told him his brother had talked his way out of the lousy chore, and also stuck his little brother with all the work.  I never forgot that. From then on, I always tried to pick and use my words well.

One day in high school chemistry class, I fell asleep, dreaming of my first imaginary girl friend. Rudely awakened by an architect’s scale being bonked on my poor punkin’ head, I was commanded to repeat the lesson that I was napping through. My invisible pal whispered to me the subject was gas, expressed in volumes, and my teacher had just said: “ A common kitchen match, when lit, releases ten times its weight in fumes.” Armed with this inside information, I offered a demonstration the next day for the whole class. Having hacked off the nozzle to a CO₂ cartridge, I cut the heads off two books of matches.  Next, I put the match-heads in the empty cartridge with one peeking out to start the desired chain reaction. Lastly, I placed the cartridge inside a hollow tent tube to aim it. Voila’! I’d invented the bazooka!

I hadn’t planned to light it, so my invisible friend did!  Voila’!  The ensuing discharge penetrated the Principal’s ’68 VW!  Inventors are misunderstood. My imaginary pal and I had detention for two weeks.

I told the Selective Service Board about all of my imaginary friends in hopes it would help me avoid the draft! They said it didn’t help much. In my life, I’ve had many encounters with these friendly voices. Some of these meetings have led to inevitable epiphanies; others have led me to question my already questionable sanity. Some say you aren’t responsible for all the thoughts that come into your mind, just the thoughts you entertain. Well, in my head, we’re having a big party!

During my tenure as a road comic, I’ve driven almost nine hundred thousand miles across this bumpy land, usually alone. Talk Radio always makes me so

angry, I usually end up speeding. Music gets repetitive. So, imaginary friends made long hours bearable and led to lively conversations. Once, my then current, imaginary friend advised me to vote for Ralph Nader. This example proves our imaginary folks are indeed fallible, and that they have a wicked sense of humor.

But, the one imaginary friend I will never forget is the buddy that   demanded that I must become a standup comic. Now, as I am further from the start of my career, than the end of it, I’d like to honor that encouraging voice that spoke inside my mixed up noggin.

That voice convincing me I could make people laugh, tipped the balance for me. I hesitated when it came to doing my first stand up show. But the little sangfroid voice kept after me, telling me that everything would be just fine!  I wrangled a spot at Gilley’s, the big western club in Pasadena, just outside Houston, made famous by their mechanical bull and its riders. My voice was silent about this choice. After all the cowboys rode the electric bull, amidst loud pizza pick-up announcements, my little voice urged me to go for it.  Very few of the hundred or so folks in attendance were paying much attention, until I rushed to the stage, grabbed the microphone, and announced a line would be forming for all cowboys to RIDE the waitresses!  That got some good laughs, and I was off and running with three horse jokes, (suggested by my pals) three half jokes (mine), and three obviously stolen jokes, (from Johnny Carson, Robert Klein, and Richard Pryor …Thanks guys!)  Almost everybody laughed, EXCEPT for the waitresses. Today, I know without my imaginary friends’ urging I would have never gone onstage that night. My invisible friend MADE ME do it!  Thanks buddy!

I’ve done over four thousand stand-up shows since. These days my imaginary friends are less insistent. They still talk to me and suggest jokes on various subjects. And, except for when my latest imaginary friend absolutely insisted I write down these remembrances, I really don’t feel compelled to comply, but once again, He made me do it!

The moral to my story is: People who can’t believe in imaginary friends = BAD! And folks who can believe = GOOD!  End Story!

(This tale is dedicated to our imaginary friends, everywhere!)

Share this article

Tags: people   world   Life   america   war   Love   Family   Religion   

Politics Factzone: The truth about Kim Jong Il Kim Jong Il, the leader of the free world, has decided to move on to more fertile grounds, leaving with us just the memories of 8-color rainbows, singing Korean women and couple of nuclear weapons. But who was this man whose next ambition would have been to get the next Nobel Peace prize? Here are just a few facts you should know about. more Top 5 Conspiracy Theories Related to John F. Kennedy's Assassination 26.Aug 2011 Since just after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, conspiracy theories abou...read ISRAEL KEEPING GHADDAFI AFLOAT 10.Mar 2011 ...read Glen Beck Is NOT the Anti-Christ! 10.Mar 2011 Hurtful and fiery rhetoric is now media’s default setting! This slippery and m...read Recipe for A REVOLUTION! (10 easy steps - try not to get burned!) 28.Feb 2011 Rebellion is cooking in the air. People are mad as hell, and not going to take...read THE ASSANGE CASE. CIA INTERFERED WITH SWEDISH LEGAL PROCESSES EXTREME RIGHT POLITICS A DANGER TO EUROPEAN UNITY THE AUSTRALIAN LABOR PARTY. OUT OF TOUCH, OUT OF FOCUS, OUT OF CREDIBILITY AND HOPEFULLY, OUT OF THE DOOR Opinion World governments charged with criminal negligence (in response to Megaupload case) EARTH (thecheers.org) - Federal authorities of the universe have charged the governments of all the countries in the world as well as the operators actually in power in these countries with operating a criminal enterprise, the Galaxy warriors announced Today. more The Great OSCARS 2011 – or so it would seem 5.Mar 2011 So, how exciting......a morning off, the Academy Awards. I wish I could say the...read Top 7 Expensive Bordellos. Prostitution: Shakedown, Tier Down, and Priced Out 31.Jan 2011 According to a report of the Washington DC-based US Department of State, The Ph...read The Great Secret and Reason for the JFK Assassination 11.Oct 2010 The great question is why the great secret? On June 4 1963, President Kennedy s...read Don't Do it! The 3 Worst Times to Get Tattoos 4.Oct 2010 As a general rule, tattoos gotten after 2 am are a bad idea. But in a bigger pi...read

Travel Travel Warning 13 September 2010 - DO NOT TRAVEL TO IRAN 13.Sep 2010 TRAVELWISE has been watching the situation in Iran for some months in relation ...read more TRAVELWISE TRAVEL ADVISORY 5th June 2010. DO NOT TRAVEL TO ISRAEL. 5.Jun 2010 Given the recent incident whereby the Israeli intelligence agency, Mossad, used...read TRAVELWISE. 16 APRIL 2010. EUROPEAN TRAVEL ALTERNATIVES 16.Apr 2010 Travelwise issues the following advice in relation to cancelled flights to, fro...read TRAVELWISE 6 APRIL 2010. AUSTRALIAN AIR TRAVEL. THE BEST WAYS TO TRAVEL BY AIR IN AUSTRALIA. 5.Apr 2010 Regular readers might have seen and read the various advisory and no-fly notice...read TRAVELWISE 2 APRIL 2010. QANTAS. 2.Apr 2010 Some concerns have been raised in relation to some of the maintenance practices...read Sport No Payoff From the Playoffs $16.50 will Get Anyone in the Hall Mr McGwire Stupid Athlete Tricks Technology Think Big! Think the World's Largest International Trade Show Top 9 cool laptop accessories for laptop geeks Twittering: I'm not that interesting Cheers Jesus' Answering Machine Brown Couch or twelve midgets in the town square How To Be Happy Drugged Out Saturday Nights Muslim Decapitation: Bad, or Simply Misunderstood?

USA says on 2012-02-12 03:17:16 about VqxjBYgyAFBXzWEoCM zOpgcH Pleased to read intelligent thoughts in Russian. I`ve been living in England for already 5 years!...

Vente with cream says on 2006-04-10 11:27:50 about There is a fine line between sanity and dementia......Its better to rule in hell then serve in heaven, is that your broader point? It's sad that you lack "real" relationships in your life, but what is "real" and what is "fantasy", is this your broader point? Perhaps you just need a broad...perhaps a broad is your fantsy friend, in which case this piece was little more than an ode to mental masturbastion?

Him says on 2006-03-28 03:32:48 about invisible pals I remember you! Thanks

	Post Comment    Your nickname    About what    Your comment   Are you human? How much is 1 + 2?