Gold Diggers

The Look

Gold-diggers are usually beautiful, young, and thin. You will have to spend hours at the gym, tanning salon, hairdresser, and the mall. You have to have the right look: classy but slightly whorish. Even though he will probably be middle-aged with a paunch, you must be young and toned to make his friends jealous. Depending on how hot you are, you will choose a man from ten to seventy years older than you. A so-so twenty-five year old might get a sixty-five year old sugar daddy, but a hot twenty-five year old can get a nice forty-five year old. Also, pay attention to what he finds attractive and be open to change. If he would like you to have bigger breasts, make him pay for them.

How to meet sugar daddies

The more exclusive the place, the better chance you have of meeting suitable sugar daddies. Donald Trump’s wedding would have been an ideal place. Once you’ve seen a sign of obvious wealth, i.e. a fancy watch or designer shoes, there are questions that you will want to ask. Your first impulse will probably be to ask, “What do you do for a living?” or “What kind of car do you drive?” Obvious questions like that can turn off a man who wants to fool himself into thinking a beautiful girl is falling in love with him for his personality. Here are a few creative questions you can ask that will keep a potential victim from guessing your true intentions.

Instead of “What do you do for a living?” try “What’s a typical day like for you?” It makes a man think that you’re actually interested in him as a person and not trying to figure out if he’s rich. If his answers include: “taking my yacht out at every opportunity”, you might have found your new sugar daddy. If his answers include “working all day at my crappy middle-management job where my ex-wife takes half my money for alimony and child support”, it would be wise to try another prospective suitor.

Instead of asking a man how much money he makes, try a smoother approach. I like to ask, “If we fall in love tonight and you decide to ask me to marry you tomorrow, and you had to buy me an engagement ring that was two month’s salary, how much would you spend on my ring?” The clever thing about this is that he’ll have no idea that you’re trying to figure out his yearly income. If you’re not good at math, you can keep a small calculator in your purse. Just remember to multiply by six. Also, you’ve put the idea of marriage in his mind. As we will discuss later, marriage is the gold-digger’s number one goal.

Instead of “What kind of car do you drive?”, try saying “You look so familiar to me. Maybe I saw you on the freeway today. If I saw you, what would you have been driving?” You can decide if you would like to pursue the conversation further based on his answer. He’ll never know that this was a ploy to find out what he drives because all men believe that women everywhere are checking them out all the time. They especially think that women are checking them out in their cars, which are really an extension of their penises.

The marriage

Now that you’ve snagged a rich guy, you’re going to want more than just the money and jewelry that you’ve become accustomed to. It’s time to seal the deal. Maybe you’ll fall in love and live happily ever after in a fabulous beach house in Malibu. If not, California is community property state, so you’ll get half of his money if you get divorced.

When you get married, his friends and attorneys are going to try to make you sign a pre-nuptial agreement to protect him and his money. You must do whatever you can to convince him of your love so he does not make you sign a pre-nup. I find that crying and explaining to him that a pre-nup makes you think that he wants to leave you is a good way to start. If he absolutely insists on a pre-nup, try to negotiate your own terms. Maybe you get bonuses for every year you stay married or every child you have with him. If you will get more money with children, have a litter as soon as you can. Some women insist on a clause that they get more money if the man cheats on them. I highly recommend this clause as most men who would marry a gold-digger would cheat on her as soon as they had a chance to get someone younger and hotter. All you have to do is hire a private detective and prepare to take half of his money.

Gold-digging is not for the weak. One must have endless discipline, patience, and a heart of steel. As my grandmother used to tell me when I was a little girl, “It’s as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man.” For more information, watch the movies Heartbreakers and Intolerable Cruelty.

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