Dear Santa:
I am writing in advance to address your policy of gifts being delivered only to those children on your "Good" list.
First of all, let me make it clear that my father is an attorney with one of the largest firms in New York so I am familiar with how these things work. So don't mess with me chubby!
Okay, so I want to make it perfectly clear that I should get every one of the 327 gifts on my list this year. I hope we are clear about this.
My concern is that you may try to dispute whether I am entitled to these gifts based on my supposed "goodness". For instance, the incident in which my test answers were the same as Jimmy Monroe's at school, may be misunderstood. Although my teacher called it cheating, I have not had a chance to present my case. I am presently in possession of DNA evidence which exonerates me from that whole fiasco.
I have similar evidence and witnesses which will show my innocence in relation to certain acts you may THINK you have witnessed but which were also misconstrued. These act include but are not limited to: Spray-painting the next-door neighbor's dog purple; putting laxative in daddy's coffee before work one morning; tying Mrs. Martin's garbage can to her car bumper (which may or may not have resulted in several hundred dollars damage), spraying WD-40 on the cat's butt while she was sleeping and lastly, putting super-glue on mommy's tampon's.
I don't care what you THINK you saw, I didn't do ANY of those things! Which brings me to another point: How is it that you would KNOW about these things? Although our current president doesn't seem bothered by it, the Constitution states it is ILLEGAL to listen into my conversations, or spy on me, without first obtaining a court order from a judge. You don't seriously expect me to believe that you have in place,, over one billion valid search warrants, expressly allowing you spying privileges for the purpose of gift distribution, do you?
Finally, I would like to address the issue of your qualification and / or definitions of the word "Good" for the purposes of your gift-giving contract and the material assets to which I might be entitled, under this contract. First of all, my parents regularly eat hamburgers, steaks, pork and hot dogs. According to the Hindu and Jewish traditions, this would make them "Bad" people, which they are not. Well okay, maybe dad is, but not mom. And mom doesn't wear a head covering and goes around in shorts and a t-shirt during the summer. So, according to the Musilms, she's cooked! I believe you can see where this leads us.
Therefore, based on the nebulous and poorly defined terms of "Bad" in your contract, I want to reiterate my objection to any premature judgment you may consider before I am given my right to a proper hearing. Failure to allow me said hearing before rendering judgment as to whether I am "Good" or "Bad", will result in me SUING YOUR JOLLY FAT BUTT OFF! Of course, I mean that in the nicest possible way.
Your Best Friend,
Billy Jones III
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