(Whatsup wid dat?)
Politicians are not committing more crimes right now than ever in history, it just seems that way! It seems that way, mostly because the ever-devouring 24/7 TV news monster always needs more salacious coal to stoke its hungry fires.
As we peruse the list of government officials who were caught with their hand in the public till, or somewhere even worse, we may be amused at some of these cads and bounders who've gotten their just due. Amused, yes...in a forgiving mood about it...NO!
A recent analysis by a major news magazine breaks political scandals down very bluntly: Democrats get away with sex scandals, Republicans get away with money scandals! Both parties' incumbents, who are tainted with scandal, get re-elected at the dumbfounding rate of 65%! The reporters say it's because of the election cycle itself. I say it's because most Americans would rather deal with the crook they already know, than have to get used to some new crook every four years!
Leading up to the general elections in 2006, 17 congresspersons were involved in some shady scandal or another. Of that 17, two retired to private life immediately, three resigned before the election, and one went straight to jail! The remaining eleven were all re-elected. Well, we citizens get what we pay for!
Just who are these high-placed civil servants who've disappointed the nation? Some have pleaded guilty, and been convicted, some have been indicted and await the justice they sorely deserve. Let's take a quick look at some of America's lowlife.
Like any good house dealer in Las Vegas, I discard the first two obvious jokers in the deck: A) Two White House aides resigned, and are awaiting trial...the first for credit card fraud, the second for pedophilia! B) Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. (I've worked B) to a frazzle, and A) is too easy, and too skanky!)
Randal "Duke" Cunningham (R-CA) pleaded guilty to bribery, resigned and went directly to jail. Duke did not pass go, he did not collect $200. He'll be 134 when he gets out!
Racist Strom Thurmond denied his illegitimate black daughter until they buried him. She visits the cemetery often, to pee on his grave.
Un-named here, a former Republican Governor of Arkansas is now out of jail. On probation!
Disgraced Newt Gingrich (R-GA) resigned as Speaker of The House when it became public knowledge he had an affair with a young staffer while his wife was in the hospital getting cancer treatment! I think this poor boy just wants some attention!
Bob Ney is reporting to jail for bribery! I wonder what his jail husband will be like? At any rate, we all wish him and Bubba a Happy Honeymoon!
Tom Delay (R-TX) resigned as Speaker Of The House when he was indicted on money laundering charges for other Texas republicans. No jail time yet.
Mark Foley (R-FL) resigned his safe seat when lewd e-mails he sent to young male pages were revealed. Truly, Mark was a wolf in sheep's clothing. No charges were filed, and he just slinked out of town back to Palm Beach.
Congressman Vitter, disgraced by hiring hookers, has left slime all over his House seat.
Larry Craig (R-Iowa) is waffling over his guilty plea to lewd conduct in a Minneapolis men's room. Said to be resigning, he's now thinking about it. Can we trust anyone who hates homosexuals...but wants to be one? Solve that in therapy, not public office. But...really, it is Iowa!
Scooter Libby (R-Blair House) convicted of perjury, and lying to Congress, got his pardon from the boss, Dick Cheney. 'Nuf said?
Alberto Gonzales (R-Attorney General) Resigned after lying, and fumbling to Congress! Some folks I know wish he had been sent to Gitmo!
Carl Rove (R-1600 Pennsylvania Ave) Resigned after leading America into its worst fiasco in history. Carl is considering converting to Mormon-ism, so he can elevate the State of Utah. And Mitt Romney! So watch out, I don't think he's done yet!
And believe it or not, there have actually been several democrats who tasted the whip of scandal, and I think some of them liked it!
Ted Kennedy (D-Mass) Haunted by Mary Joe Kopekne, when Teddy is asked if he'll ever run for president again, he says: "We'll...umm..cross that bridge when we come to it!"
Adam Clayton Powell (D-NY) accused of taking kickbacks, resigned to live on an island, and no one has ever voted him off it.
Bob Packwood (D-CO) After pinching every woman's ass inside the beltway for years, network news forced his resignation for lechery. Bob returned to Colorado where he can been seen on mountaintops, searching for bighorn sheep butts to pinch.
Barney Frank (D-Mass) The first openly gay Congressman is not scandalous to me, but many others are distressed by his liberality in general. Barney is truly a nice, smart man, but don't tell him I said so. I don't want him to get a big head.
Gary Condit (D-CA) Resigned after sleeping with a young female staffer, who went missing. He plans to read Lolita over and over until he's impotent!
Congressman Traficante (D-NJ) left Congress after he was accused of taking kickbacks. Yeah, I remember...he's the one that used the old Spiro Agnew scam. See the Donald Trump wig!
Dan Rostenkowski (D-IL) was jailed for bribery. Dan did his time, and is now registering voters from cemeteries all over Chicago.
Dan Crane (D-IL) was censured after admitting to sex with a female page, and then resigned. Insert your own joke here!
Jerry Stubbs (D-Mass) was censured after admitting to sex with a male page. Jerry resigned and began his own evening gown design firm in Quincy.
William Jefferson (D-LA) indicted for bribery after $90,000 in cash was found in his freezer. Jefferson says he is innocent! But, that's just the gumbo doin' the talkin'!
What a Rogue's Gallery! Should any citizen ever spot anyone one this list, or those like those on this list, that citizen should feel empowered by all of our disappointments, and kick their ass!
Maybe that's just me high pegging on the outrage meter, maybe it's more than just me. I don't mind being led. I respect leaders. I just can't stand being led poorly! Where do better leaders come from? How do we get some? Answer that, and you'll never be a politician gone wild!
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