By Lue Deck
2007-09-05

This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.


(A spectacular time to watch sports!)


 


I love riveting books, windy days, kitties, and Peace on Earth! But these pleasures can't compare to the ecstasy a true sports nut feels at this particular time of the year.  TV finally fulfills it's huge potential with incredible choices. Wow, it's kinda like how a Buddhist, a Southern Baptist, an Imam, and a Jewish-American Princess might feel if they vacationed at Jamaica's famed resort: Sandals, in Montego Bay! here's something for everyone.


 


If your team wins, it's like heaven!  If not, it's surely hell!


Just cast a hopeful glance around to see your favorites:


 


Baseball:


The triumph and heartbreak of all Cub fans basically makes my point!  Sure, we're in the middle of a nasty fake war, but the Chicago Cubs still haven't been eliminated yet!  Much hope springs eternal in the Wrigley Field breast.  What drama!  I believe, if you could tie peace in The Middle East…to the Cubs winning this year's World Series, most loyal Cubbie fans, and a lot of the rest of us, would gladly foot the bill.  Holy Cow!  There's that world peace thingy again!


 


Are you ready for some football?


Like many Americans, my girlfriend likes big men in spandex. She, and almost everybody here loves college and pro football.  What excitement!  The American pigskin (forgive me Achmed) bounces in stranger ways than your average insurgent.  Maybe the NFL can schedule a game in Mosul to attract extra fans, while testing their new Kevlar football.  Of course, etiquette dictates that our new Commissioner Condaleeza Rice will dispatch the Oakland Raiders to play, and occupy, the Yale cheerleading team!


 


Auto Racing:


Motorheads everywhere (except Iraq) dream of this part of the NASCAR season, because now the racing wheat is falling from the chaff (unlike with our current presidential candidates).  The next eleven races are their playoffs…at a mind numbing 209-MPH.  It seems like booing Jeff Gordon isn't as much fun any more, so just switch drivers, and boo Juan Pablo Montoya or Tony "the rat" Stewart!  Will Jimmie Johnson and his semi-cheatin' crew chief, Chad The K, have the cajones to kick the same ass, and take the same names to win it all, like last year? And somebody please tell me what happened to Little E.


 


Boxing:


You can bet a Russian…somewhere…is gonna get his butt knocked out! Cue the DVR!


 


Golf:


No, The PGA hasn't managed to clone Tiger Woods yet! Just ask Rory Sabbatini! The new Fed Ex Cup system pays off at $7 million a week! That's the best regular paycheck in sports, besides betting on Paris Hilton's release date!  Could Phil Mickleson be a headcase? Watch and see.


 


Soccer:


David Beckham is hurt once again, so wife Posh will start as mid-fielder for The L.A. Galaxy! (That should be fun to see.)  Also, the USA squad proved its mettle by drubbing Mexico's boys again.  See y'all at the World Cup!


 


Tennis:


Yellow ball aficionados will duck-walk to get to Flushing Meadows in early September, if they have to!  The Williams sisters want to take on the whole feminine world, and I want to see them do it.


 


Olympics: 


Beijing will test all participating athletes for lead!


 


Curling: 


Unfreeze your brooms and get out your vodka!


 


This fall a veritable movable feast of balls, magnificent athletes, and computer generated graphics await all sports fans. Bon Appetite!


 


The other best things in Life:


1)                             Sex


2)                             Love


3)                             Laughter


4)                             Health


5)                             Curiosity


6)                             Sports on TV