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America’s Dirty Little Secrets!


2005-05-30 03:20:52

This article belongs to In Search of Laughs! column.


We hear all the time about how great America is. That may be true, but let's all admit America has made some mistakes too. Greatness is reached by acknowledging the path we've traveled to get there. As far as the countries that have dirty little secrets go… America is Number One! …We're #1! …We're #1! …We're #1!

Because admitting one has a problem is always the required first step to solving it. Here are just some of the dirty little secrets America needs to share with the rest of the world:



Dirty little secret #1


Not everybody gets to sleep with Paula Abdul and Madonna. It just seems that way.

Dirty little secret #2

Professional wrestling and professional politics are not REAL sports! It turns out, in both, they're faking it the whole time! Get used to it!

Dirty little secret #3

On almost every street and highway, there is a posted speed limit. Only thirty seven people in our entire country believe in these limits. Just go as fast as you want to go. The long arm of Johnny Law will be watching. And The Channel 7 News helicopter!

Dirty little secret #4

In America, every vote does not count the same. Ask the voters in Florida and Ohio! It turns out, that some votes are MORE EQUAL than other votes. The votes that count the most are those cast by our Supreme Court: Five to Four!

Dirty little secret #5

Medicine makers sell us pills that HAVE TO make money! That's why they exist. To make money! Medicine makers pay the folks that certify the pills, they pay the doctors that prescribe the pills, and they pay the elected officials to legislate the pills. That's why they need the money. If we happen to get cured, it's just a by-product!

Dirty little secret #6

If you are a person of color, it will be more difficult for you. Our Constitution would be more accurate if it had said: " All white men are created equal!" If you aren't a white man, you will just have to work harder! Remember, what doesn't destroy you, might maneuver you to work in our vast, underpaid service industry!

Dirty little secret #7

We still don't know who killed John F. Kennedy! We're not really sure who shot his brother either. Our government has acted so strangely about these two murders, they cannot be trusted on this matter, ever again. We'll just never know! This does include UFOs and Martin Luther King Jr.




Dirty little secret #8

Our public schools are crap! Our schools should be magnificent places that prepare our kids to run the world. But, sadly, they are not! Students in Afghanistan have a higher grade point average than the students have in Louisiana and Alabama COMBINED!

Dirty little secret #9

If you are a woman, you will be paid less than a man will for comparable work. Our society thinks the fact that a woman can give birth compensates for the differences. This is not true, but you wouldn't believe what we make our ladies swallow here.

Dirty little secret #10

Money is more important than anything else here! Connections, looks, and sex can only get you so far in life. But, if you get enough money, you can buy the previous three!

Find a method to get some money, or suffer the consequences!

Thomas Jefferson said, "Follow the truth, where ever it shall lead."

I love America! I make these observations in the hope we will not repeat our mistakes. Let's all try to make new mistakes, there's so much more to learn there.

As far as America's worldwide pre-eminence goes, I can't help being belligerent: I've got your "ONLY remaining super-power"…RIGHT HERE!!

(Author's note: Here's a bonus "dirty little secret" …America has offered statehood to Estonia! Now, Tallinn might turn us down!)







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